Jamie Fawkes was a victim of circumstance. At least, that’s what her Mum liked to say. She was born on the outback and would always be an outback girl at heart. Mum liked to say that, too.
Even during the Omnic Crisis, when everyone fled to the sea caves to get away from the hordes of robots, Jamie remembered her and Mum staying back and hiding the best they could. And for an outback girl, her best was enough to stay away from the robots.
When the Omnic Crisis ended, when she was 7, she and her Ma thought they were out of the woods. They were, right? Jamie was sprawled over on a broken couch, watching political negotiations through a static-y screen. A group of forty different omnics were on screen, unarmed. But were they really, Jamie asked herself. On the other side of the room, a group of fifteen people stood in front of a bunch of suits. They were dressed in bright clothing, each of them contrasting the other. Medals shone at their chest. She immediately recognized them. “Overwatch,” Jamie whispered beneath her breath. They were the ones that turned the entire Crisis around, fighting the bots back until they called a ceasefire! Jamie jumped off the couch at an explosive speed, her hair trailing behind her in greasy strings. “Mum! Overwatch is negotiating with the omnics!”
Overtop a fire, Mum melted some lead down into small circular pellets. “That’s… great, honey.”
“And on August 24th, 2058, these should be the final negotiations. The omnics are finally starting to see sense. They’re asking for a rather sizable plot of land, though,” The reporter with an American accent commented loudly.
Mum’s eyes widened and she immediately stepped away from the fire, taking the remote and turning the TV off. “That’s enough TV for now.” She put the remote on a high shelf, where Jamie couldn’t even see it. “Just go on and play, alright?”
Jamie nodded, hair bobbing up and down with her. “Sure, Mum!” She turned and ran out the house. The door got stolen a few weeks ago, and there weren’t any trees to cut down to build a new one.
She booked it until she hit a grove where a creek was. Sometimes, she’d drink from it and try washing her shirt because nobody was looking. Mostly, she’d just use the mud around it as a safe place to light fires. She sat down at the creek and bent over to drink the water, but then realized the water was black. She stopped, breath catching, but didn’t say anything. Coating the surface was a gooey black liquid. She dipped her hand in it, and the liquid slid off her hand but left black marks on her palms. She stepped away from the creek, holding her breath in case the water was dangerous. Who was she kidding? Of course it was dangerous! She should tell Mum. She waited for a second to see if the water was going to clear up. It didn’t, so she looked upstream. She followed the creek. More and more black water. She ran until the creek finally met up with the river. The river was black too. On black rocks, black fish were spread out, dead. A black snake lay stomach up, dead.
It was dangerous, she realized. Very dangerous.
She stepped back away from the river and turned around. In front of her, a huge omnic hid in the grass. She tried to keep a scream in, like she did when they were near their hiding places. She froze. It couldn’t see her if she didn’t move, right? It didn’t move at all. It didn’t even have any blinking lights. Was it dead? She waited another minute, then stepped closer to it. It didn’t respond. She kicked it. Again, it didn’t move. She kicked it again, amazed she was able to do this. Again, not even a blink. Its turret was down-turned. So it was dead!
She laughed loudly and kicked it, hard. Then out of childish instinct she ran back to the river. She looked back at the black water and remembered it had been poisoned. She remembered she needed to tell Mum. So she ran away from the riverbank to the creek, and then back to the house.
She stopped at the sound of a reporter with an Australian accent. “Breaking news for August 25, 2058! Reports from every state in Australia state that their rivers have been covered in oil!” Her breath hitched, and she didn’t enter the house. “After the omnic crisis, this is the only source of water for 75% of the population. Are the omnics trying to kill off what’s left of Australia’s humanity? After they’ve recently acquired our continent, it seems likely.”
She hugged herself, teeth clenching. Acquired meant got. So the omnics got Australia? The omnics did that to the river. She felt tears streaming down her face. She was got by the omnics too? They were going to come back? She leaned against the wall, her knees shaking. She felt dizzy. She heard her heart thumping in her chest. Then, she fell to the ground, unconscious.
AN: Forgot to mention in the desc, but this fic uses the trans junkrat headcanon... :)
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hm, this is interesting. I really like your voice for narration, it has a certain uniqueness to it. I've never played Overwatch, but the plot seems pretty intriguing. I'm definitely curious to find out what that black sludge is.
What are they watching with, cable? I'd be hard-pressed to believe that cable is still a thing in 2058.
I'm a bit confused at how her childish instinct would cause her to run back to the river -- and why she kicked the omnic in the first place. It made it seem like she wasn't gripping the situation seriously enough.
But nonetheless, the plot is interesting, you have a nice voice and the description is very strong. Thanks for sharing
Hey, I'm here to review. The description of this novel chapter catches my attention - Overwatch is a game with beautiful graphic, although I would never enjoy playing it because it's too fast/flashy to me. xD
I'm kind of iffy about this sentence. Usually, it is written as 'her mum' because we are talking about whose mum she is. If the protagonist refers to her mother as Mum, then there's no need to say it's her mother because we've already knew about since this chapter is told from the protagonist's point of view.
Alright, so there a few issues I have here. 'when' is repeated twice, so you have to rephrase it into something that only requires one 'when', and number below ten should be spelled out. This is a general rule of thumb, so instead of 9 or even 10, write nine and ten. It makes your writing smoother. The last issue is Ma. Stick to one, er, nickname? It's either Mum and Ma, unless your character realizes at some point that calling her mother Mum is too childish or something, but people usually don't change the way they address their parents.
Since this is a fanfiction and you want people to understand what you're writing about, a certain amount of explanation is in due. For instance, omnic. What is that? Why is it important in the world of Overwatch? Remember, not everyone who's reading your story knows about Overwatch, or knows enough about it, so you have to write it as if it is something of your own idea that you need to elaborate in order to make others understand this.
This is a question, so instead of a comma, change it with a question mark. Usually thoughts (and I assume this is one of them) are written in italic, but I myself did not use the rule sometimes, so I don't have any problem with the lack of italicisation.
This is seriously scary. Not because of the fact someone has stolen it, but because of the consequences of that. What if there's another attack going on? How would her mum knows about it when they can simply enter the house stealthily? At least you can hear knocks when there are door, or the sound of the blast when it hits the door. It just foreshadows something uncomfortable to me.
Hmm, can you please elaborate more on this? What is that she books? A hotel room? Not likely I think, given she seems to be out of the house into the woods.
Alright, I think the scene with the black water and dead omnic (I figure out they're something like evil robots) are pretty interesting. The omnic wants to have a huge chunk of land, and is probably behind the oil leaking into the river of each Australia's state. Definitely a huge issue to worry, and I'm glad you make Jamie witnesses the event from experience rather than news because it makes the whole thing more poignant and realistic, and tells us a lot about Jamie's character.
But the bigger surprise would be the omnics having Australia. When I read a large size of a a land, I don't expect it to be a continent! By taking Australia, they also control the nation, and, well, controlling a nation the size of a continent is much easier than controlling a continent full of countries. I admire their strategy to invade, honestly. But of course, they're the bad guys, and they're planning to kill of the Australians, and that's where I have to disagree with them. I wonder what role Jamie would take in order to solve this seemingly unsolvable problem? Conflict! Plot! Extra points for you!
The part about her being conscious is a little sudden and illogical... I mean, I don't know why that happens. Where's her mum, by the way? I hope she doesn't stay in that state for too long... Anyway! The end of the chapter offers me a lot of questions and I praise you for making the readers intrigue to know what happens next. Keep up the good job!
Hey there, ChiravianSkies! I'm not a fan (or anything, really) of Overwatch, but I thought this work looked lonely so I'd come and review it!
Anyway, your introductory paragraph is great. It gets right into the story, but gives a little background info as well.
Jamie Fawkes was a victim of circumstance. At least, that’s what her Mum liked to say. She was born on the outback and would always be an outback girl at heart. Mum liked to say that, too.
I was going to correct you and say 'in' the outback. But then I figured that Outback is probably a planet or a station or a spaceship or something like that. Here is my lack of Overwatch knowledge,
Medals shone at their chest. She immediately recognized them. “Overwatch,” Jamie whispered beneath her breath. They were the ones that turned the entire Crisis around, fighting the bots back until they called a ceasefire! Jamie jumped off the couch at an explosive speed, her hair trailing behind her in greasy strings. “Mum! Overwatch is negotiating with the omnics!”
You could create new paragraphs with each bit of new speech/thought. It might make the sentences flow better.
The river was black too. On black rocks, black fish were spread out, dead. A black snake lay stomach up, dead.
Normally I would say that your constant use of 'black' is repetitive. However I think it works really, really well here. It emphasises the blackness, which is obviously important, and lends a childish tone to the narration. That's good, since the story is about a child.
She felt dizzy. She heard her heart thumping in her chest. Then, she fell to the ground, unconscious.
I love it when chapters end in cliffhangers! You ended it at the exact right time.
I'm sorry this is such a short review, I'm just not sure what to comment on, since I've got no knowledge of the Overwatch universe or characters. However, due to my lack of nitpicks, you can guess that I found this chapter pretty well written. So good on you.