I can’t believe this. I turn a corner, with Cairo keeping ahead of me. Ishmael pads behind, taking his sweet time. He stops and sniffs the air. The umpteenth time he’s done it.
“For god’s sake, Ishmael. Get over here,” I shout. He wrinkles his snout and pads forwards, head down.
“What’s wrong — Whoops,” he says as his satchel slips downwards a bit off of his neck.
“It’s bad enough you’re in our territory, but when it looks like you’re marking it as your own…” Running to Cairo’s pace, I expect him to follow along. “It looks rather suspicious.”
“With your vocabulary, I’d expect you to be a chiroptid.”
I walk a bit slower, trying to keep my hackles flat. “Do I look like one to you?” I say with a lash of my tail.
“No. Is there something I should know?” His voice almost sounds like a snake.
“No.” Lowering my tail, I trot faster.
“No? Well, All right then.”
The two of us run silently while Cairo pants. Then we see the group of five mustelids waiting at the edges of camp. Nebula’s at the head of them, and I feel myself shrink in my fur at the mighty scowl on his face.
“What is this?” he asks.
I pause, but Ishmael steps forward. “Why, Nebula, I was told by Ferris here that a young Lettie is sick?”
Nebula glares at me, and my stomach turns to stone. “Yes. But this is unauthorized! Go back to your territory.”
“Back?” Ishmael laughs. “After a member of your group is taken to our Hospit for safe conduct, and all this long way? Surely I can look at her.”
Nebula snarls. “Get out.”
“Nebula. Lettie’s seriously sick, though—”
“Cairo, this isn’t your concern.”
“He’s right, though…” I mutter, hoping Nebula will here. Arva and Magna glance at one another.
Ishmael turns his snout up. “Well, if there’s such… unrest… between your own group, I guess I’ll have to leave.” The fox turns and my heart freezes. “Wait, Ishmael!” He hopped in front of his feet, hoping that he could maybe trip him.
The silver fox blinks, unimpressed. “Nebula doesn’t want me here. I’ve got to go. Juno’ll be back at sunset.” He trotted off, paws making imprints the size of my head in the snow.
“Nebula!”
The Wolverine whirled on me. “Nebula? Ferris! You left Juno behind?”
“Trust me, she didn’t want to. And it was her idea to look for him.”
“It’s a cold, she’ll shake it off.”
“Have you heard her?” I ask, watching Ishmael get into a full out run.
Nebula growled and curled his black lips. “Fox!”
Ishmael turns. “Yes? And I’d prefer if you called me Ishmael.”
“Come back. We’ll let you look at her.” Nebula shoots me a snarl. “They’ve already been antagonistic enough. Now you’re just gibing them ammo.”
I glare, but don’t say anything.
The fox walks back, his bag swinging heavily at his side. “Well, then I guess we’ll get to business.”
We walk into the camp, where several sideways glances are thrown at us. I see the fox wrinkle his nose. Probably at the smell of so many Mustelids around.
I run at the house where the kids are, and Cairo comes behind us. “Lettie’s in there.”
Ishmael blinks, unimpressed. “Well, I guess I’ll—” He’s cut off by racking coughs coming from the house. “Damn. I should really check this out.”
“No kidding.”
He disappears into the house quietly.
“Cairo.” Nebula noses Cairo’s side. “Go keep an eye on him.”
Cairo nods, and he too runs into the house.
***
Sunset comes quickly, and I know that there’s something wrong. I mean, there was something wrong the entire time. Lettie’s coughs said that loud and clear. Literally.
I shrink in my own fur at the thought that we really should be bringing Ishmael back.
There’s a heavy-footed crunch of snow as Nebula comes near. His near-black fur is bristled. Oh boy.
“I can’t believe you!” Nebula says, nosing through the prey pile. He finds nothing. “You bring a Canid into camp. Even when they’re the ones cutting off our territory. Our food too, probably. And if he sees us like…” He turns to the camp full of mustelids, with ribs jutting out from their sides. “This, then what do you think will happen?”
“I don’t know, but I do know that Lettie isn’t going to die.”
“She’s got a cold. I’ve said that before.” Nebula crunches on some snow.
I hear a creak of the kid house’s door and then nothing. I look behind me and see a light silver shape stalking towards me.
“And?” Nebula growls.
The fox raises his brows and closes his eyes. He purses his lips. “It’s Dacaeda Fever.”
I stand up tall. “And what the hell is that?”
“Ah. First it starts out, acting like any old cold. Then the coughs get harder. Soon, she goes blind, and within three hours, the heart stops. Just like that.” Narrowing his eyes, he continues. “She’s hit the blindness stage.”
Three hours. Or less. My heart slows down. It feels the world’s gone quiet. Glancing up at him, I try and say something. Nothing comes out.
“She’s only got a few hours?” Nebula says, but even he seems quieter. “Does it spread?”
“Hour, half an hour, who knows?” Ishmael sighs. “But only if one gets bit. Suppose there were some rodentid fleas around. Maybe ticks.”
Nebula bristles but doesn’t say anything to the fox. “Then you can leave and bring Juno back. We’ll take care of her on our own. His tail falls to the ground. "Ferris?"
I turn to him.
“Escort him off the territory.”
I nod and stand behind Ishmael, whose silver fur bristles. “Well, I guess we should go.”
I shake my head in disbelief. With my head down I follow him.
It seems a long walk, even if the mustelids have a fairly small section of the city. My short legs feel numb from the cold and my tail’s freezing.
At the territory’s edge, I stop. Ishmael keeps going. “Bring her back, alright?”
He turns and nods, but doesn’t say anything. Then he turns around and runs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, I'm here for a review!
First off, and most importantly, I just want to tell you I haven't read the first couple of chapters, so I apologize ahead of time for not being able to comment on the plot or plot holes.
HOWEVER! I can point out grammar and spelling mistakes! So that's what I'm going to do! I'm not trying to be a butt with pointing out these errors, I promise, but fixing these might improve your story.
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"What’s wrong — Whoops"
I might be wrong, but I don't think the "W" in "Whoops" needs to be capitalized.
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“No? Well, All right then.”
I don't think the "A" in "All" needs to be capitalized.
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"After a member of your group is taken to our Hospit for safe conduct, and all this long way? "
This sentence could be fixed to flow better.
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“He’s right, though…” I mutter, hoping Nebula will here.
"Here" should be corrected to "hear." Wrong form.
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"Now you’re just gibing them ammo.”
"Gibing" should be "giving."
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But that's really not a lot, you did a good job proofreading!
Anyways, the dialogue flowed well, and the sentences and paragraphs are formed correctly. I have no other critiques!
And even though I didn't really know what was happening in this chapter because I haven't read the previous chapters, I really enjoyed the read! It was descriptive and easy to follow!
Keep it up!
Happy Writing!
<3
Hello there, Skies. This is Meda for a review~
Im a little bit perplexed (not in a bad way!) as to where this story is going. It makes me want to keep reading.
I love to talk about dialogue because I work really hard to make mine readable. I think one of the most important things to keep in mind is that, contrary to the advice of teachers everywhere, the word said is perfectly acceptable and often a better choice than an alternative. It is easy to skip over said mentally and focus on the more interesting parts of the story.
I like that your story is broken up into paragraphs (nothing is more uninviting than a solid wall of text with no breaks.) However, I would consider varying the length of your paragraphs a little bit more the avoid monotony.
Those are just a few little suggestions. Feel free to message me with any questions~