The Girl I Hate

I thank you both for taking the time to review my little post.

To Kafkaescence, I thank you for you constructive criticisms. I will definitely take each of your notes into consideration.

To Kyllorac, I thank you for your opinion, but I don't really see how its an "I hate" overload. I only used that phrase twice. I would appreciate a little more clarity.

I contrast to Kafka, I over here am suffering from an "I hate" repetition overload.It was just too much, and the only reason I finished reading this was because I intended to review it.

I suggest trying to convey such vitriol with a bit more elegance next time. It's quite a bit less off-putting and more interesting than an "I hate X" overload.

ChiquitaPeroPicosa wrote:I hate her.
I hate the girl staring at me.

Her eyes are ugly, brown, and small.
#FF0000 ">The moles that dot her face look like marks where I’d love to stab needles. #FF0000 ">Eh, this line could be better.
Her second chin bulges and makes me want to vomit.
Her flabby arms make me want to take a knife out and saw them away. #FF0000 ">Again, not the best.
Her gut makes me despise her more and more with every pant size. #FF0000 ">Pretty good.

She wasn’t always this way.
She used to be pretty.
She was once confident, intelligent, and capable.
She is now a waste of space. #FF0000 ">Very concise. I like it.
She gets up wondering, “Would anyone notice if I didn’t come to school today?”
She thinks again, “And if I do go#FF0000 ">, will anyone acknowledge I exist?”
She was a mistake that never should have happened.

I watch as a black hole eats her from the inside out.
I watch her drown, because nobody has noticed she fell of the boat. #FF0000 ">Good! Use more metaphors.
I know she is lost, but tell no one she is missing.

She is invisible.
She is worthless.
She is unoriginal.
She is useless.
She is lonely.
She is ashamed.
She is undeserving of affection or attention.
She is a disgusting excuse for a human being.

I watch her hope slip away, #FF0000 ">the fire from her eyes die.
I know hope was her oxygen.
I realize one can only live so long without oxygen. #FF0000 ">You don't need this line. It assumes that the reader does not know what oxygen is.
I wish her demise would come sooner.

I punch the mirror, shattering my view of the girl I despise.
#FF0000 ">[I walk away from the mirror more disgusted with her than ever before.
I wrap my hand to disguise the blood.
I walk out into the party, a smile plastered on my face.

“Happy Birthday!” they all chant.#FF0000 ">] You don't need any of this. It serves to attempt to prolong the surprise ending, something you should never do. Instead, why don't you simply say, "Shattering the girl I am." I am not trying to tell you what to write, but I would consider this, or something else that is short and meaningful.