Here is my first attempt ever at writing poetry and I am ashamed that it has come out this dismal. I would appreciate though anyone telling me which is LESS awful, because I acknowledge they both suck.
Version 1
It was me who said we could no longer be
So why do I who feel like crying
I sit in the silence wondering if you miss me
If I said I didn’t hope, I’d be lying
Every time my phone rings I pray for it to be you
But I know that’s foolish, if you wanted to talk to me you would
Then again, I suppose that’s what has me so blue
I wish you missed me, but that doesn’t mean you should
I told you we could not go on together
What I should have said was I couldn’t bear for you to leave me
I thought we couldn’t survive forever
I chose to walk away instead of watching us fall into a “wait and see”
I only wished to love you
Obviously that was a lock for which I didn’t have the key
I thought we were “Stuck Like Glue”
But instead our romance turned into what used to be
So here I now sit
Knowing I want you still
And now I would love to have a fit,
Because I have always loved you, and always will
Version 2
It was me who said we could no longer be
Sitting in the silence wonder if you miss me
So why do I who feel like crying
If I said I didn’t hope, I’d be lying
Every time my phone rings I pray for it to be you
Then again, I suppose that’s what has me so blue
But I know that’s foolish, if you wanted to talk to me you would
I wish you missed me, but that doesn’t mean you should
I told you we could not go on together
I thought we couldn’t survive forever
What I should have said was I couldn’t bear for you to leave me
I chose to walk away instead of watching us fall into a “wait and see”
I only wished to love you
I thought we were “Stuck Like Glue”
Obviously love was a lock for which I didn’t have the key
Because our romance turned into what used to be
So here I now sit
Wishing I could throw a fit
Knowing I love and want you still
And live with the knowledge I always will
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hmmm... Well Howdy! The human Host of Horus here to review!
I'd go with the second one, but only because I like the way it finishes up. The first finishes a little awkward, and I'm left thinking there ought to be another line or so. Now, DON'T DOWN YOURSELF! Keep your head up, this is really fairly good for a first poem. If your looking to get into poetry, it requires some knowledge and study, and reading others works can help with that. The biggest complaint I have about this poem, is that there are no stanzas, and I think there are lots of places where it could be split into stanzas. Like here for example:
The next thing, though you have some punctuation, I feel it is lacking a lot. This is partly my reason for saying you should add stanzas. They are a signal to the reader to pause. So maybe some punctuation at the end of some of the lines?
Otherwise, you have a great review above to go off of, and I pretty much agree with everything Chiquita had to say. (Minus number three to some degree, yes I agree you have to try not to be to cliche, but still, break up poems are sometimes nice, along with love poems. It is mainly the only kind of poem I write, for a girl I love, so yeah...)
Keep writing, and remember, confidence is everything!
-HostofHorus
Hello, ChiquitaPeroPicosa
So I like your poems' honesty and use of rhyme, but I have a few things to point out; first of all though, I'm going to tell you that your second version flowed better than the first for the simple reason that it wasn't so verbose and wordy as the original. Therefore, I'm going to ignore the first poem altogether and tell you about the second one:
1. A simple thing: 'together' and 'forever' don't rhyme-- they could be near rhyme in the right situation, but I don't think this is the right situation.
2. Even though your second poem cut down a lot more on the unnessicary clutter words, it still kind of choked up in places. For example:
This could be something as simple as 'I walked away instead of staying around for "wait and see"' or something like that; even just the 'I chose to walk away' part could be cut down into 'I walked away', you know? It's just that the longer lines end up taking away from your writing by seperating the rhyming words too far from eachother and interrupting any rhythm there might be; it kind of erradicates the flow when you say more than you have to.
3. I'm not complaining about your poem, 'kay, but I think you should know that the reader is a selfish individual; they don't care about you, and they especially don't care about your broken heart and how your life is over and blah like that, right? They read for their own satisfaction and enjoyment and could really care less about anything that doesn't bring new concepts to the table of what they already know about breakups and teenage angst. So maybe you could go for some more imagery, write less bland and more artistic representation of emotion; that's the main problem with both of your pieces, truth be told.
And with that, I wish you luck, ChiquitaPeroPicosa, keep building on your poetry skills! This was only your first attempt, like you said.
P.S.
Read this poem and you'll see what I mean about my 3rd point:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 349AAK7XZV