Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Part 2.
“What’s going on Cal?” Noelle asked confused while walking into Nicole’s room. Callie was sitting on her bed looking into her computer screen and Nicole was pacing around the room.
“Nothing too serious. But I think something’s fishy going on in the city.” Callie replied still looking at the screen typing. Noelle placed her Coach purse down and sat herself on a nearby chair. She looked at her freshly done french manicure and waited for the details for this meeting.
“If anything’s “fishy” Noelle smirked, “It’s the fish market right down the street from your apartment.” Nicole rolled her eyes at Noelle. “Noelle, stop being a dumbass.” “What are you looking for Cal? What’s the “fishy” situation here?” Callie was still typing on her laptop and looked quite frustrated.
“That’s what I’m trying to find. Pure evidence. Or something.” She said getting impatient with herself. “Well if anything, check Teen Spectator. They got the pure evidence, all right.” Nicole flashed a glare at Noelle who shot back, “Not my fault! You know I feel bad Nicki. But Jayden got evidence, I can’t stop that.”
“I checked Teen Spectator already. Johnathan has never been mentioned before.” Callie said closing her laptop. Nicole and Noelle looked at eachother then at Callie who got up and started to pace around the room. “Johnathan? Your brother Cal? When did he come back?” Nicole asked confused. “What about him? He’s always had a clean slate.” Noelle added, bored.
“Yeah I know. But the thing I can’t wrap my finger around is when he came back this morning from Buenos Aires, I was telling him all about what happened recently. You know, your party.” Callie gestured towards Nicole who nodded back. “Your brother’s blasts.” Callie looked at Noelle who also nodded getting more interested in the gossip. Callie then looked away and walked towards the city view windows. “But then I mentioned Chloe.” Nicole tensed up but her eyes still wide and hungry for the gossip. “It seemed like he knew her. From before.” Callie continued turning to face her friends. “He described her perfectly. And then when I asked him if he knew her, he just showered me with souvenirs from his trip.” She sat down next to her friends, confused but still looking for an answer. Nicole got up and turned to face her friends.
“Did he ever answer you?” She asked. “No he just got the gift, gave it to me and went along with himself.” Callie replied. “And you didn’t interrogate him?!” Noelle said grabbing Callie. “He is the answer to take down Chloe!” Nicole signaled Noelle to stop but nodded agreeing with the idea. “She’s right. Whatever your brother is hiding, its the answer to destroying Chloe.” Callie frowned and crossed her arms. “Look I’m all for taking down Chloe, but if this affects my brother, I’m not doing it.”
“It won’t! We just need him to give us all the information and we will only expose Chloe.” Noelle guaranteed. “Well there’s a reason why I didn’t pester him into telling me. I just took the gift and pretended to forget and run off into my room before texting you guys.” Callie said. “And the reason?” Nicole looked at her phone checking the time. “His face was dark. Like something he’s hiding is really bad. Like he’s lost. I’m smart enough to know my brother and how he reacts to some sort of things. That’s why I brought you guys here to help me out. To find out what he’s hiding, without exposing him first.”
“Alright I’m in. Only cause it’s your brother. I love to expose people.” Nicole said deviously. “Me too.” Noelle added in, agreeing with Callie’s proposal. Callie nodded at both of them.
“You’re both coming to the dinner tonight right?” Nicole asked changing the topic. “We’ll be there.” Noelle answered. “Alright. I’m gonna get ready. I’ll pick you guys up soon.” Nicole walked towards her bathroom and shut the door. “See you later C.” Noelle picked up her belongings and headed out the door. “This is gonna be a hell of a year...” Callie sighed walking out the door towards the elevator.
“Yo, Henry. We’re late.” Heath mumbled carrying Henry out of the limo. “You had a bit too much to drink you know. Your mom’s not gonna like this.” “Ferro. Stop talking so much... You’re killing my vibe.” Henry said slurring all of his words. “I’m good.” “No you’re not. You’re being annoying.” Heath shot back. “Could you get him some water?” He asked the front desk assistants.
“Right away.” One of the assistants rushed over to give Henry water, while the other secretly called the ballroom for Chuck Bass. “Mr. Bass... your son is here. Highly intoxicated.” “I’ll be right there.” Chuck replied shutting his phone closed. He whispered into Blair’s ear excusing himself and made his way to the lobby. He first saw Heath trying to get Henry to walk straight.
“Heath. I got it from here, you should get going to the dinner party. Your parents are waiting.” He grabbed Henry from Heath’s arm trying to set him straight. Heath nodded then walked away. “Get off of me.” Henry said angrily, pushing Chuck away. People began to look in their direction. Chuck ran his hand through his hair and gritted his teeth. Henry continued to glare at him. “Do not start a scene here Henry. We will talk about this later. When you’re sober.” Chuck hissed. “Now go greet your mother and drink some water. Please.” Henry looked at his dad, then made his way to the ballroom trying not to stumble over his feet. Chuck blew his breath out, apologized to the front desk assistants, and made his way to the ballroom.
“Oh Henry you made it.” Blair greeted him smiling. She was surprised to see him actually attend her dinner party. “Have some champagne.” Blair picked up a glass and began to hand it to Henry. “The only thing he’ll be drinking tonight is water.” Chuck interrupted taking the glass away. “Go find your sister.” Henry rolled his eyes then walked away-still stumbling.
"What is the deal?" Blair turned to Chuck who was still mad at the incident that just happened. “What happened?” “Henry happened.” He replied. “He’s gone out of control Blair.” “Is that why he reeked of scotch?” Blair chuckled. Chuck looked at her hard. “Well what do we do? He sounds exactly like how you acted when you were a teenager.” Chuck glared at her then took a sip from his glass. “Get back to attending your guests Blair. I’ll handle this.” Blair lowered her eyes then smiled taking Chuck’s hand. “Henry is our son. If he has a problem, it’s both of our problem. Whatever it may be, we can handle it. But now I want you to be my side.” Chuck smiled then kissed Blair. “There’s a reason why I fell in love with you. You just don’t give up on the people you love.” They both walked towards their guests welcoming them.
“Henry, you need to go easy on the scotch next time!” Nicole exclaimed trying to hold her brother straight. “Noelle can you please pour him some water.” Noelle nodded and walked away to get water. “Chloe... Chloe said she’d be here.” Henry mumbled looking around for her. Nicole looked at him, but held her tongue. “That’s not the problem. Problem is you being drunk. Are you gonna drink water or do I need to shove my finger down your throat to make you sober again?” She replied looking at her brother hard. Henry stared at her in fear of the thought and straightened himself while taking the water from Noelle who just arrived with a ice cold glass. “Now please. Act normal.” Nicole said turning around to sit herself down at the table. Heath sat next to her and smiled. Nicole rolled her eyes at him and took a sip from her glass.
“Thought you were gonna get me a cab?” She said glaring at Heath. “I did. guess you just didn’t wait long enough.” He replied smiling. “You’re still an ass.” Blair snapped. “Don’t be so harsh on me beautiful. I do have a proposal for you.” Heath said taking a tiffany box from his pocket. He opened it, revealing a little heart charm necklace with the Tiffany signature emblem engraved on it. Nicole opened her mouth a little then snapped out of it and pulled herself together.
“Stop flirting with me Ferro. Don’t try to womanize me.” She looked hard into his eyes. “I’m not. May I have the honor of escorting you to the Debutante Ball this Saturday?” Heath put on his puppy eyes still holding the box in front of her. Nicole looked at Heath disgusted, but a little smile formed on her face. Looking at the necklace again, she leaned closer to him. “I’ll consider it if you put the necklace on me.” She whispered in his ear. Heath smiled and began to take the necklace around her neck. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He winked.
“So Henry, my mom told me you’re going to be my escort to the Debutante Ball this Saturday.” Noelle smiled placing her hand on Henry’s arm who was now sitting in his seat with his hand shading his face. “Yes... looking forward to it Noelle.” Henry said sarcastically not moving from his position. “Noelle. She’s here.” Callie called out to Noelle nodding towards Chloe. Noelle looked for Nicole but found that Nicole and Heath were having their little moment. Noelle smiled a bit at her friend and nodded towards Callie. “Nicki is mingling with her King so looks like we’ll handle this ourselves.” Callie agreed but stopped shortly after seeing her brother walk in on the scene.
“Chloe.” Johnathan called out. Chloe turned around and her face went pale. “Johnathan...” Callie walked up to the both of them with Noelle by her side. “Johnathan! I need to speak to you now.” She exclaimed staring straight at Chloe. Chloe looked down at the ground and tried to leave to look for Henry. Noelle glared at Chloe and stepped in front, trapping her. “Don’t be slick and play games Chloe.”
“Callie, not now, I have something to take care of.” Johnathan replied trying to get Chloe’s attention. “Chloe! Chloe! Would you please look at me?” Chloe started to walk away faster until she bumped into someone.
Henry.
“Hey beautiful.” Henry smiled giving Chloe a little kiss on the cheek. “Oh am I glad to see you, we need to get out of here fast.” She exclaimed hugging him. “With you on that one.” Henry grabbed her hand and led the way to the nearby exit. “Wait Chloe.” Johnathan quickly grabbed Chloe pulling her back. “I need to talk to you.” Henry turned around and look at Johnathan strangely.
“Johnathan? You’re back? Since when did you meet Chloe?” “Johnathan, don’t speak to her!” Callie called to her brother running up to them. This caught Nicole’s and Heath’s attention in which both of them stood up and walked to the scene. “Chloe, what’s going on? How do you know him?” Henry asked confused. Chloe just looked at Henry then back at Johnathan. Noelle and Nicole both smirked knowing Chloe was about to get exposed. Callie was behind her brother trying to get him away from the situation but he wouldn’t budge. “Why’d you leave me Chloe?” He asked taking her hand. Henry turned to look at her his face full with confusion and shock.
Uh-oh Chloe. Looks like whatever you were hiding, it’s about to get exposed. Hopefully Henry doesn’t find it too bad. What can I say? Nothing stays a secret in this city.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hola!
Even understanding the universe these guys are in, and the way their parents behaved, I feel like there's something weirdly wrong with what's going on here. There's this lack of responsibility going on with Henry regarding his parents - I know Chuck and Blair were the wilder of the group, but I feel like they give up really quickly in the light of this. I think there's also a surprising amount of cliched drama going on, in the other chapters you lead up pretty well and I didn't get the sense of this being a bit too dramatic. Now, however, the interactions between Chloe and Jonathan happen too quickly and with too little reaction on their parts. We don't get to know about how Chloe's face looks or what she thinks about what's going on. Only that she wants to leave, and Jonathan isn't helping much.
I think mostly this is to do with pacing, you need to slow down your action and give us a little more time to digest what is going on, from there we can actually start responding to the characters themselves and work out what's going on. I also wish you hadn't named your characters Nicole and Noelle, because their names are so similar I'm getting them confused! That's late night reading for you.
You're still doing well here, you have something and I think it's working so far. Consider slowing the pace down and working on your description, sliding it evenly across the chapters rather than in small chunks.
Thanks for the read!
-Penguin.
There's a reason why I made their names so similar it adds on to my plot! But thank you for the review it means a lot! I only intend to get better with everyone's advice.
-Marrissa
as i told ya in ur previous work that u write well! ur work is nice. here i don't wanna repeat those words. here i wanna tell ya that ur vocab section is good, u hv used nice words, ur language is trendy, u r such a writer who try to invent something new from ur writing, which is good thing! now hv some special thoughts which led u write such a marvella story of bros and sis.
now time for , the paras which i liked most!
“Yeah I know. But the thing I can’t wrap my finger around is when he came back this morning from Buenos Aires, I was telling him all about what happened recently. You know, your party.” Callie gestured towards Nicole who nodded back. “Your brother’s blasts.” Callie looked at Noelle who also nodded getting more interested in the gossip. Callie then looked away and walked towards the city view windows. “But then I mentioned Chloe.” Nicole tensed up but her eyes still wide and hungry for the gossip. “It seemed like he knew her. From before.” Callie continued turning to face her friends. “He described her perfectly. And then when I asked him if he knew her, he just showered me with souvenirs from his trip.” She sat down next to her friends, confused but still looking for an answer. Nicole got up and turned to face her friends.
overall good work keep writing!
I think you have a good outline and some great ideas. But there is a little editing to be done don't worry no one is perfect on their first story. But everyone always gets there eventually. I think you are really gonna be great. Never give up!
-Krystal6