Sitting in class staring at Gale, my eyes moved towards the door as a stranger, cute stranger at that, walked in. When he smiled at Gale, I saw his dimples in his light chocolate colored skin. His wavy black hair was falling into his hazel eyes. Those arms looked like he’s been working out his whole life, even though he was wearing a pink and black shirt. I could see his six pack. Well, for a guy like him I’d like to believe had has a six pack. He had on black pants with pink and black high top shoes.
I looked down at my high tops. Oh how much I love me some high tops.
The bell rang when I looked back up at Gale. He waited until after the bell rang before he started talking. Gale isn’t his real name and only I call him that. He’s the math teacher and football coach, so we mostly call him Coach but his name is Mr. Galloway. He teaches math all day until seventh hour, during that time he's with the football players.
Today he just so happened to have on his favorite short sleeved black under armer that he wears for practice. He had this on with blue jeans and black church shoes. He loves those shoes when he has on anything black.
“Class I’d like ya’ll to meet our new student, Kyle Parker.” He said then turned to Kyle. “Kyle, this is my class. Have a seat anywhere you like.”
“Thanks Coach.”
I swear every girl, except me, fainted in their seats, on the inside anyway. He had a deep sexy voice, but not too deep. It's a type of voice you’d listen to and never forget.
There was a couple of seats in the front of the class and one in the back. That's in between me and a wall, which is the one he chose. He walked back here, he walked with so much grace. I didn’t have that much grace my first day.
I looked around the classroom. Everybody was staring at him and when I say everybody I mean everybody. When I looked back at him, he was staring at me. Not like in a 'hey how are you,' but more of a star struck kind of way. I know what he’d see. A girl with gray eyes with a hint of blue and green. And when that girl got mad her eyes would turn a dark color, but right now they're light so she’s happy. A girl with high cheekbones and big lips, but thats where the prettiness stops. My hair was a mess, a big puffy afro, even though I like this hair style because it describes me. I have on a blue, black, and white stripped button down shirt, but its unbuttoned and my black undershirt is showing. I have on skinny jeans stuffed into blue and white high top nikes.
I looked back at Gale. Kyle took his seat and Gale cleared his throat and looked at me.
“Mari can you help Kyle with what we went over yesterday?”
“Yeah Coach I can help him.”
He smiled at me. “I knew you would. Kyle meet Mari, with an I not a Y.” I held in a laugh. When I first got here and Gale read my name off the role he said “Mari with an I not a Y, very creative.”
“Mari White meet Kyle Parker.” He finished.
I turned to Kyle and held out my hand.
“Nice to meet you Kyle.”
He shook it and said.
“Nice to meet you too Mari, with an I.”
His hand was so soft I almost didn’t want to let go, almost. But I did and turned back to Coach.
“Ya’ll can move to the back table.” Then he addressed the class. “Class, today we’ll be going over Monday’s test. Mari I’ll look over yours.”
“Okay Coach.”
Kyle and I got up and moved to the back. If you could made a noise that sounded like jealousy, then all the girls in this class just made it. I could just feel all of them staring at us, felt like they were throwing daggers with their eyes. I didn’t want to look back, but once I sat down I did and regretted doing it too because everybody was staring.
When we sat down, he sat real close to me, like right in my face close. I opened my notebook to the notes I took yesterday.
I heard Gale giving the class back their test. Before I was able to say anything to Kyle, he spoke up.
“You have pretty handwriting.” I thought my handwriting was decent but never better than the ‘preps’, and their handwriting is pretty.
“Thanks.” I cleared my throat. “Well yesterday Coach had taught us how to add and subtract variables by only adding the ones that are the same. See how 2a plus 5bc plus 5a, where we added the 2a plus the 5a.” I looked at him and he nodded. He seemed like he we was paying more attention to me than the work. I looked back at the paper, cleared my throat again, and continued. I went over it all, he listened and stared.
End of chapter
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
I felt like I was reading someone's mind when they were ordering at subway instead of something that was really meant to be read. It felt naughty reading these thoughts that this girl has about this boy who is obviously all into her looks, and he's all into hers. You did a really great job of describing the way he's looking at her instead of jumping point of view and expressing him. I really love that about this work. However, I think dialing back the girl attitude a bit and filtering in more descriptive language would make it better. Right now we have a story that's attempting to be a diary, which I really think might be able to be sold to young readers who want a conversation with the books they read, but I think we need to step it up and give them a conversation with creative, vibrant writing attached with it. One of the ways we can do this, is inserting creative descriptors, like "cleared my clogged throat again" or "the tattered paper" or like how you describe his dimples, even though it sounds more like the girl has x-ray vision suddenly than seeing his puffy cheeks. This type of thing really can help create a picture of the story for the reader, and while you're not completely lacking it, you can do better. ^.-
I really like this story. I love all the detail that you have put into it so far. There is just on thing that really bugged me and that's when you said "my eyes moved towards the door as a stranger. Cute stranger at that, walked in." I can't really tell if you meant to do that or if it was a typo. Other then that I really like how this has started off.
I did that on purpose did want to make the sentence that long
Hey there! Here for a review!
).
I love this story! Its good, like really good! Its almost predictable, but I love it!
I hope you add some twists in the story later on( in case you ever want to continue it
Okay moving on. I'm pretty sure all the mistakes have been pointed out by others, so I really have no idea what to say
The tense seems to be a little problem, and I'm sure you already know that
You see, here I felt the period after stranger was unnecessary. You could have put in a comma instead. It makes it more easier to read
I'm pretty sure you know what the mistake is
Well thats all I'm going to say, because the rest have been covered. No need me to rub salt over your wounds
I loved, loved, loved it!!!!
I hope there is another chapter with more twists in them!!
I cant wait!
Good job!
-Divz
I don't like commenting on errors that have already been mentioned but I think all of them were mentioned anyway ^^, It was really good, I loved reading it and it's nice to read something simple and straight forward oncein a while. You're very talented. Thanks for sharing
Hi there, this an enjoyable story. You're good at descriptions.
One thing though, you really need to go back through and sort out which tense you're writing in. You're mostly writing in past tense, which makes sense to your story; but every so often you slip into writing in present tense. You need to write in one or the other consistently.
Past tense: did, said, went, passed
Present tense: doing, saying, going, passing
I've jotted down some errors I spotted and added possible corrections for you. I didn't put down all the tense errors though.
1.Error: "I seen his dimples"
Correct: I saw his dimples
2. Error: "into he hazel eyes."
Correct: into his hazel eyes
3. Error: "Those arms looking like he's been working out his whole life, even though he was wearing a pink and black shirt, I could see his six pack."
Correct: Maybe a full stop after shirt. It doesn't work well as a single sentence.
4. Error: "after the bell rung"
Correct: Either use "after the bell had rung" or "after the bell rang"
5. Error: "in here fainted in their seat"
Correct: Have another look at your tenses throughout the piece. It seems like it's written in past tense but every so often you're using present tense. It doesn't really work. Try "in there".
6. Error: "Its a type of voice"
Correct: When "it's" is short for "it is" or "it has" use an apostrophe.
7. Error: "Which just so happens to be in between a wall and I and the seat he choose."
Correct: The sentence doesn't make sense on its own. Also, "choose" should be "chose".
8. Error: "When he walked back here," - confusion between your tenses again.
9. Error: "I looked around the classroom everybody was staring at him"
Correct: Break the sentence up into two sentences.
10. Error: "their light so she’s happy."
Correct: Firstly "their" should be "they're". But again, tense confusion.
11. Error: "Kyle takes his seat"
Correct: took his seat
12. Error: "regret doing it too"
Correct: regretted
13. Error: "Before I was able to say anything to Kyle spoke up."
Correct: "to Kyle, he spoke up."
14. Error: "like we was paying more attention"
Correct: like he was paying more attention
Hope this helps you out! Keep writing!
Hey thanks I corrected the things you mentioned and I'm sorry about the past/present tense thing, I'm not all that good when it comes to writing in a certain tense yet.
Okay... Umm... Right... Ah Ha. A review you say?
Yes that's right a review.
Okay. If you insist.
Right. I am [Insert Name Here] and I will be doing this review. Uhh yea right review. As you can I see I have done 1 before and even that was bad so don't expect anything good.
I loved the story, the plot, the everythingness.
But you see here: 'I seen his dimples within that light chocolate colored skin.' this bit made me a tad confused. I wasn't entirely sure if you were trying to say something in like a western tone? or if it's just a mistake.
Also in the last paragraph you seem to be teaching maths. Yet the class calls him Couch. This is really confusing also Letters in Maths that's just evil anyway the whole Coach teaching maths a bit confusing.
Well that is all I have for now and once again maths + letters =
yeah math with letters are totally in today and I'll change the part you where talking about
And Now for Something completely different!
Love your review by the way
Thank you.