Published April 18, 2013
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140,589 Literary Works • 673,543 Reviews
Okay, Black here for requested review!
Your overall problems are pretty simple really: Pace.
Your poem is jerky! Try to read through it . . . do you feel the glitches and jumps? They make the reading really hard! Remember: not rhyming doesn't make you look non-professional or something . . . Rhyming is important in making poetry easy to read.
Here, let's go through some more specific mistakes!
Okay, so read through this . . . now take it and do this with it.
It sounds better. I advise you to try to sit down and A: make everything rhyme, or B: write your poem as a paragraph and then turn it into stanza's (Making it narrative poetry).
I'll re-write this stanza how I would do it. (Note, you didn't use any punctuation on here either!)
See how this reads a bit smoother? Note that I am not really good at poetry (I'd advise you to ask a pro like Aley, Gee, or Penguin to look at this for you!).
Does it sound any better?
Work on making it smoother!
Okay, so similar problem (Though not so bad) in the jerkiness!
Try to sing this in your head, make it a song! Make it flow . . .
Note that much better, but a bit at least I think . . .?
Anyway, I'm hoping you see what I mean. A bit of work and I think you could write some pretty decent poetry! Personally I like the theme, the way you portrayed it was nice!
How she hurt . . .
Moih!
Anyway, I don't have time RIGHT NOW to review every line of this piece, so I hope this shall suffice!
Good luck there! (I really need to practice my poetry a bit too.
Okay, so randomly I shall say . . . good job, but you need to work on it a bit (Don't worry, I'm a novel person too! My poetry sucks!)
~Black~
Hey Pandabear7 here, REVIEW time!
It sounds nice.
I really like this poem
I especially like the first whole stanza, it is fabulous.
I do agree with SkullCandi on this: EXAMPLE:
"I go back in time. (example of caesura: period in the middle of the line) Pain waits
where love should be (enjambment: no punctuation and goes to next line)
I wish, (punctuation is the endstopped)
I wish to be free
That would be a good idea, other than that, I really see the imagery and stuff in here and it makes me feel like I really feel what you are saying.
Keep it up my SHARRAE!!
Hello,
I hope it helped!
Poetry is a wonderful art, so I hope you try and incorporate it within your story writing.
I really enjoy the repetition you used at the end of each stanza, but then it has me questioning as to why you didn't end the last like this. Is there a reason why?
I really like the line "on my wounded chest that bleeds," it gives such strong imagery.
I think what would work really well with this poem is maybe first finding the voice. This can range from the narrator speaking to themselves, speaking to someone, or speaking to a particular person.
I also believe that you should add more line structures with endstopped, enjambments, and caesura's.
EXAMPLE:
"I go back in time. (example of caesura: period in the middle of the line) Pain waits
where love should be (enjambment: no punctuation and goes to next line)
I wish, (punctuation is the endstopped)
I wish to be free
This is my first review, sorry for all the rambling. This is all the stuff I just learned in my poetry class
P.S
I can really see your novel style peaking through
From,
Candi <3
Hi there,
I'm Anirban and I'd be reviewing you work this wonderful night. I realize I haven't spoken to you yet so welcome to YWS and I hope you're having a good time. Now back to the review.
Lets talk about the positives first.
I like the idea that you are trying to present through this work of yours. It gives me the feeling of a romantic poem but since you've listed it under general, I'd put that thought aside. The idea is fresh and the way you've approached it is original. The way you have summed up everything in your last paragraph also needs appreciation.
Now lets talk about the parts where you'd need a little formatting done.
"
I go back in time
the time I didn't feel the
the scares that bore skin and
I wish it be free
"
There is a repetition of THE in the end of the second line and beginning of the third. I do not understand what you mean by THE SCARES THAT BORE SKIN AND.
"
My mother told me you'd hurt me
I loathed and laughed at her idea
now filled with regret and sorrow and
I wish it be free
"
This part is like story telling. You all of a sudden come out of poetry and go on to explain things which affects the flow.
Overall its nice but it lacks the flow in certain parts. Redo those parts and your poem will be a class apart.
Keep writing.
Cheers!
-Anirban
Thanks for the review and the welcome. I didn't know what to put it under so I left it under general. I also understand what you mean so I'll change some of it thank you.