“Next stop, Ruby Springs Nevada!” A voice shouted from a conductor. The teenager in the seat closest to him jerked awake with a start. He groaned in disgust as the pair of handcuffs dug into his wrists when he had attempted to sit up so quickly. He hissed and gave the cuffs a good yank, not caring when he winced in discomfort.
“Behave yerself, Chandler.” Whispered a rather squeaky voice from beside him. Drew peeked out of the corner of his eye to see the spectacled face of the deputy to his right. The red headed man had escorted him from as far as his little town in Wyoming. Drew glared with disdain at his handcuffed wrists.
“It ain’t like a got a choice, seeing these lovely bracelets I’m wearing.” His tone only implied more disrespect and frustration to the lawman.
“Well, you just make sure it stays that way.” Huffed the deputy who stood up. “I’m going to get the arrival time from the conductor. Stay here.” With that he walked off, attempting to keep his balance as the train chugged down the tracks.
Drew rolled his eyes and grunted. He turned his back to the aisle again tried to make himself comfortable. “Dratted deputy.” He grumbled. His eyes began to close again as the rattle-rattle of the train seemed to lull him to sleep. He was just drifting off, when a hand suddenly snatched his hat from his head, causing the hat to vanish behind the next row of seats. Drew was wide awake in an instant.
“Hey!” Drew’s temper flared as he tried to whirl around. The cuffs caught him again, hitting his already bruised wrists. He growled savagely, his fists clenched and ready.
“Ya want yer hat? Come an’ git it, ‘lil outlaw.” a voice laughed from behind him, followed by a series of guffaws. “You think yer just somethin’ don’t ya?” Drew’s hat dangled in front of his face, held up by a hairy hand. The old felt thing was the only thing Drew had in the world besides the clothes on his back.
“Dang you, give me that!” Drew twisted around and got a look at the person who was teasing him.
“Dang you, gimme dat!” Mocked Drew’s tormenter. “Does the ‘lil boy want his hat? Oh, but big boy says no-no.” He stood up and stepped around to Drew’s row of seats, the tattered hat still in his hand. He waved it in front of Drew’s face, still laughing. A ridiculous grin spread across his face. “Aww, the little outlaw boy lost his hat.” The bully puckered up his lips into a sad, pouty face.
Drew gritted his teeth in fury. He was helpless to get his hat back, and helpless to fight. He growled, giving the bully a death glare. Hate boiled up inside of him, yearning to break free and whip the snot out of this guffawing idiot. He could do nothing but sit and watch the frivolous capers of the dancing monkey in front of him. He growled, his eyes burning furiously. If it weren’t for the cuffs, Drew would have -or tried to anyway- knock out the bully’ two front teeth.
“Hey, punk. Leave the kid alone.” the deep voice’s tone seemed to knock Drew out of his angry concentration. Drew turned around and met with the eyes of a stranger, someone he hadn’t seen for the whole train ride.
“I ain’t none ’a yer business Mister. I kin do what I want.” Answered the teasing fellow. He crossed his arms and gave the stranger a smug look, the grin still plastered on his ugly face.
“An I’m makin it my business.” The man stepped forward and looked down at the bully. “I said, leave the kid alone.” His fist tightened, and his other hand twitched, ready to swing at a second’s notice. Drew tensed, hoping for a fight. The bully glanced around, and then turned as if to walk off.
“Well, seein’ yer so stubborn ‘bout it…” his back was turned for another second, but he then whirled to face the stranger, and let his fist fly, knocking the man flat. Drew twitched excitedly in his seat, while the few passengers in the car looked on in surprise. The stranger grunted, sitting on the ground. He grabbed the side of a bench and pulled himself quickly with a catlike movement.
“Yer even dumber then ya look.” he murmured while rubbing the sore spot on his jaw. “And that’s sayin’ somethin’.” His fist swung out and struck his opponent in the cheek, sending him reeling. The passengers; six other men and four women, were now all watching the struggle. The men mumbled to each other and passed coins around, ignoring the ladies’ disgusted and horrified glances. Drew was fairly trembling with excitement almost as if he were the one fighting. His anger seemed to channel through the stranger’s fist, and the satisfaction doubled when the bullying young man was knocked flat.
The stranger swung again and missed, giving the bully an opening to clout him in the stomach. The stranger coughed and retreated a step, then flew at the bully, tackling him to the ground. They rolled about, crashing into the rows of seats and landing blows on each other. Quite a ruckus was raised, and even some of the onlooking men were booing, howling, or cheering as the fight raged. The women in the car looked away from the struggle, ignoring what they called: “Such foolishness.” One of them even fainted.
“What’s going on in here?!” came the familiar squeaky voice from the front of the car. Drew groaned in disappointment and ignored the deputy, still focused on the fight. The deputy yelled for the squabble to stop, causing the audience to grin and hoot over the lack of effect. The stranger finally grabbed the bully by the shirt collar and pulled him to his feet.
“Here you are, Mister deputy sir.” The stranger shoved the troublesome man forward, causing him to fall on his hands and knees. “This’n here was causin a bit a trouble with yer…friend here.” The stranger motioned to Drew.
The deputy eyed Drew suspiciously. “You sure my “friend” didn’t start this?” Drew sent him a nasty glare.
“I’m sure. I seen the whole business.” The stranger chuckled as the bully stood up and wobbled on his feet. “Everythin’s under control now I should think.” The bully cast a hateful sneer towards Drew and stumbled off to the back of the car to sulk. The men murmured and exchanged coins again, some grinning, and some cursing under their breath.
The deputy “hmphed” and took his place next to Drew again and checked the handcuffs. Drew grumbled and ignored him, giving him the literal cold shoulder. He had gotten his satisfaction indeed when the teasing bully had gotten his “fair dues”, but the over-paranoid attitude of the deputy was ruining all the fun.
“Ya really think I’ll run away? We’re in a movin train for cryin out loud, and I’m handcuffed to the seat. Nothin short of a tornado could break me outa this.” Drew said with utter disgust in his voice.
“Err…it’s my job to make sure everything is safe and secure.” The deputy responded. “So don’t ask questions.”
“Grr…” Drew growled and settled back into his seat. The deputy reminded him of a little kid with a stick horse, pop-gun, and a paper badge. Playing lawman. He hated being made a big deal over and attracting the attention of people like his former bully.
“Hey kid.” Drew glared at the wall when he heard someone speak from behind him. “Here we go again…” He turned around. “Look. Whatever you’re about to…” Drew checked himself midstream as he recognized the face of the stranger. It was the man of earlier who had tangled with and succeeded in fighting off the bully.
“You missin somethin?” The stranger plopped Drew’s hat down on his head. “Fergot t give that back after I…ya know, dealt with that guy.” He grinned a white toothed grin.
Drew bent his head down so his cuffed hands could take his hat off and hold it. “Err…thanks I guess.”
“Yer welcome, kid.” The stranger chuckled. “Ya got a name?”
“Yeah…George Washington.” Drew snickered.
“Oh, right. Well little George, you can call me Zeke. Just Zeke.”
“Hmph. Zeke.” Drew was rather glad -though he wouldn’t admit it- that he had someone to talk to. “Lemme ask, why’d ya fight that guy? What was in it fer you?”
“Heh, nothin I guess. Jus…I jus don’t like seein someone gettin picked on fer no reason. ‘Sides, what’s wrong with a lil’ friendly scuffle?”
The deputy grumbled something about the chances of a “friendly scuffle” turning into a not-so-friendly fight, but was thinking out loud more than he was giving a lecture. Drew chuckled and made a face at the deputy while he wasn’t looking.
“What’d ya do to get yerself landed in the pokey?” Asked the stranger.
“Stuff,” Drew mumbled. “Stuff I had to do to keep up in the world.”
“Like stealing from the general store.”
“Maybe…but how would you know?” Drew didn’t like that this “Zeke” suddenly knew his story.
“Hey that was a lucky guess. What desperate kid doesn’t end up swiping somethin necessary from the local store? No offense. I may or may not’ve done a couple shady things in m’ past…but it all turned out alright.” He shrugged, not caring that he was saying all this in front of a deputy. “I take it…same situation.”
“Not that you got no business knowin or nothin.” Drew was instinctively defensive, having a constant motto of “what they don’t know can’t hurt ya”.
“I didn’t mean to ‘fend you or nothin. I’ll quit with the uncomfortable questions. It was nice talkin though, George Washington.” Zeke donned his sheepish grin and leaned back into his seat.
Drew also settled down, fiddling with the hat in his hands. He was tired. Tired of being handcuffed to the seat for hours on end. His mind wandered, longing for something interesting to think about. He searched the corners of his brain to find anything worthwhile to think on. All he came up with was to try and count the sparse clumps of sagebrush as they sped by. He soon figured that they were going much too fast to be counted and gave up. He was beginning to become incredibly bored.
Drew stared blankly out of the window at the shadow of a town that was gradually getting larger. He began lose himself in his thoughts, thinking about his trip. The paranoid deputy had been with him all the way from Wildstone Wyoming, the closest thing he had to a hometown. Drew didn’t want to think about that. Wildstone wasn’t exactly the nicest town out there, and his memory of it wasn’t pleasant. Too many outlaws. Too many thugs. Drew growled under his breath and turned to face the wall. “Stop thinking about that, stupid.”
The town was much closer now, and Drew could make out some of the larger individual buildings. The train began to slow as they came closer. He could now make out the depot and the figures of people milling about. Men, women, children, all probably waiting for something or someone on the train. As the train slowed to a crawl, familiar voice called from the front of the car.
“Ruby Springs Nevada! All passengers may disembark for the night!” The conductor called.
“Night?” Grumbled Drew. “It’s only 5 o’clock.” Anyway, as sour as his mood seemed to be, he was thankful that he was getting off the train. The one called Zeke stretched from the seat behind Drew and yawned.
“Hmm…well, I’ll see you around…George.” Zeke grinned. “I got some business to do in Ruby Springs.” He stood up and stretched, then turned and made his way to the exit of the car as it squealed to a halt.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Howdy Chie! I've tuned into my favorite western soundtrack to listen to while I review this.
Just a quick grammar nitpick, but definitely something worth mentioning since it popped up frequently in this chapter. This whole thing is one sentence, not two. Thus, that "A" at the beginning of the dialogue tag should be lowercase. Same thing with '“Night?” Grumbled Drew,' among other instances. The G in Grumbled should be lowercase. The only time you wouldn't capitalize is when the next sentence isn't a dialogue tag, and therefore isn't part of the sentence. That'd be something like: "Night?" He glanced at the departing sun disapprovingly.
Drew has a great voice already.
I'm not a fan of the wordiness of this sentence. The underline part can be eradicated with a little fiddling. Consider things from Drew's perspective. He isn't going to know about the hand first; he's going to know that his hat is gone. Example: "He was just drifting off, when suddenly he felt his hat snatched from his head. He whirled around..." etc.
I love that. You have great control in writing over the western accent, and you're able to foil a less likable character's "dumber" colloquial to that of Drew's.
I like this guy!
Drew's dialogue tag came too late to my liking. I wasn't sure who was talking until is says "Drew said," and by that time I had to read the quote all over again.
I know from what you said on the Western Writers wall that Zeke's a bad guy. Of course, he admits that he's done bad things in the past, but from what I've seen of him so far I really like him and I can see him becoming a mentor for Drew. He probably shares a lot of things in common with him, and when he saw the bully picking on Drew he imagined himself in that very same spot as a teenager. Whatever business he has to do in Ruby Springs, I bet it isn't good, but I'm interested nonetheless to learn what it is!
Wyoming to Nevada. That's a long way for a trouble-making boy to be transported for a simple robbery. It seems to me like the deputy would have better things to do than escort a teenager across a couple states, especially if he supposedly comes from a rough town that needs all the lawmen it can get.
All in all, this is a nice start. Your descriptions are nice, especially the bit about sagebrush, but for the next draft it would be nice to have more. So far your characters have great voices, and not just because you can write a western accent well. I'm not entirely sure what the present conflict is because I don't know exactly why Drew is being brought to Ruby Springs. He's in a dire situation because he's handcuffed, but at the moment I'm not very concerned for him. He's a teenager and he only robbed a store, so I don't expect his punishment to be very great.
Great job, and I'm looking forward to chapter two! It's always a pleasure to read a western novel on YWS.
NICEEEEE JOOBBBB!!!!
Ok, I've already read this before, but I still love it! My favorite line is... You missin somethin?” The stranger plopped Drew’s hat down on his head. “Fergot t give that back after I…ya know, dealt with that guy.” He grinned a white toothed grin. LOVE IT.
Anyway, ever since you dragged me into the western trashbin, I've been looking forward to reading the book, and cannot wait till the next chapter is out! Regarding nitpicks, I really didn't have any. You did a nice job incorporating the western accents into the story, which I know must be tough. Good job and keep writing!
-Akelia Taske