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by ChieRynn

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1080 Reviews

Points: 99780
Reviews: 1080

Sat Jun 17, 2017 3:17 am
Mea wrote a review...

Hey there, Chie! I don't think I've ever actually reviewed something you've written, so maybe this will be an adventure for both of us. :D

I'm probably what you'd call a casual Star Wars fan, so although I understand the overarching plot and world, I'm not sure about where this particular story is set or what's going on. Also, while I know that you RP with Chie's character a lot and usually with Akelia's too, I haven't read any of those so I'm not familiar with any of these characters as people.

The point that I'm awkwardly getting to is that this story is not very accessible to someone who isn't familiar with your characters and their place in the Star Wars storyline. You sort of throw us into the deep end - this honestly feels like it's a part in the middle of your story, despite you saying it's part 1. What makes it feel like a part in the middle is the lack of anything introductory, and because it seems like there is a lot that has just happened that should have been shown on-screen. A lot of character names are used without anything really explaining who they are and their place in relation to Chie.

I'm not sure what would be reasonable to expect a Star Wars fan to know and what is your own creation that you need to explain in-story, but I didn't understand what Inquisitors were, I had a hard time figuring out if Hera was a Jedi or not, and not knowing where in the galaxy they were really made it hard for me to pin down the story.

But let's comment on the actual plot. :P I liked how you portrayed Chie's fear at the news that Maul is alive. It was quite intense, and the voice in her mind is pretty creepy. That being said, I was surprised that she seemed so upset that Maul was alive, but she spared almost no grief for Ahsoka's death. Unless she's not dead and just missing? It seemed like you were implying she was dead, but the lack of grief on Chie's part is a little confusing.

I also liked the interactions between the characters. I was able to start understanding their relationships to each other just by watching them interact, which is definitely good. Hera and Chie in particular feel quite distinct from each other, which is great.

The one last thing I would say is that your writing can feel kind of sparse in terms of sensory detail and setting description, and I feel like more of that would help me feel more grounded in the story.

But really, this part does a pretty good job of setting up what is to come. Good luck with this, and keep writing!

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116 Reviews

Points: 199
Reviews: 116

Wed May 31, 2017 11:19 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...

Hello! Feather here to review as promised!

“I do to.” Minor nitpick, but this should be too.

"Chie thought to herself. 'I hope…'" I hesitate to voice thoughts directly like this; it kind of jars me out of the story. I don't know if it's just me, but I find it's better to do it more indirectly, like: "Or at least she hoped."

"She was relieved that Specters one and six were back “home”." Why is it 'home' and not home? I feel this could use some explanation. Perhaps: "She was relieved that Specters one and six were back home; well, as close as it could be to home, at least. It wasn't really home, not like [wherever home is] was/is" or something like that.

"Two people made their way down to meet the few rebels who were waiting for them. One stumbled, and kept one hand on the other’s shoulder, and the other over his eyes." Describe the people?

"Chie’s fists clenched. “Hera was right, the Inquisitors were too much for them.”" Again, I wouldn't voice her thoughts so directly.

"Chie hand never seen her this concerned." Because hand is a preposition :wink:

"She had a look of sheer terror in her eyes and stood stock still, her feet magnetized to the deck." Nice sentence! Very descriptive with some good words :)

"“Leave me be.” Chie panted under her breath and shivered as cold chills ran up and down her spine." Nitpick, but it should be a comma on 'Leave me be', not a period.

Other than that, nice job! Hook was good, the story is good, the grammar is good.

See you around!

~ Fea

ChieRynn says...

THANKS FOR THE REVIEW! <3 I will definitely fix that stuff.

Featherstone says...

No problem, I'll get your other stuff too. Need a review star anyhow :P

What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare