the earth takes root
the trees fall
as mankind follows suit
the end of all
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
GAH!
this is from when I was 14! Please don't read it! *head/desk*
I loved it! I don't really think the review above really focused on the things in this poem I found important (sorry guys!!!). So, here are my ideas, all anotized on the poem:
Separate your images, please. Not only will it help the rhyming, but it will clear up the visuals too, not a jumble of images but now an entire scene of them.
PUNCTUATE!
Roses scream, [loved the hook. Really caught my attention.]
The grass raided--
Blood gleams
On its moist blades[/u].
The silken flower
Turns to dust[u],
The moon shines orange,The daisies rust.
A horse cries;
The trees demean;
The copper skies
Just turned to green.
A mangled kitten
writhes on the ground.
The air is smitten
while the earth turns round
Cry for me now
laugh at me then--
Ask yourself how
it came, the end.
The earth takes root,
the trees, they fall,
as mankind follows suit...
the end of all.
Overall, nice images....but message? I feel as if there was a message to this poem, but I really didn't get it. Is it anger? Sadness? That images can create emotion?
Otherwise, beautiful! You created a rare thing--rhyming that describes imagery!
Hmm.. You've got a lot of imagary in here and I have to say, I liked it, althought it washed over my sometimes, not giving me enough time to let it sink in, if you know what I mean. You probabaly don't.
Anyway, I didn't like the flow much, it confused me a little, but altogether, the storyline of the poem and how it is full of emtion won me over.
Good work.
where is the punctuation???
I have a feeling that your rhyming is too forced i.e Kitten/smitten.
other than that... hell you where in a bad mood.
Well done, Lexy x
A bit morbid... That's not neccasarily bad, just not really my taste...
The imagery is good, but this doesn't really have any discernable meaning. It seems like random images with no connection to each other just sort of jumbled together... See if you can make the message a little more obvious.
It's cool, though.The rhyme and rhythm are very well-done, the emotion is strong, and the imagery is very unique and powerful. Kudos on that.
thanks and I get your meaning.
Nice hook. Very nice. Writing is almost like fishing, you must first hook the reader, then painfully draw them in to the deeper meaning of your piece so that the snowmen of their brains might actually have a chance to think. ...long story on the snowmen, just don't ask.
But after the first bit, you kind of lost me. I can see that you are going for rhyme, but sometimes it seems like you just threw in a random scene to make it rhyme. Do you see what i'm getting at?
The ending was rather nice, you had your basic meaning there for us to find, but through some of the middle its like you were bashing our heads against rocks as you were taking in the line.
Wow, I loved it.
Your style was really unique and the description was just perfect.
Hmm...I dont really get the last line there, but I loved the first lines. Roses scream was a really unique and great touch to start off.
I loved the rhyming, it was really good. And once again the description was awesome.
The air is smitten...hmm...not too sure about that, but the rhyming once again was great.
Great way to end the poem. I loved it.
Overall it was really dramatic, and the rhyming was the best I've seen in YWS. The style of short, sho-ort sentences was really good, and the description was great.
I think you're right. I just read through it quickly and I was like, "whoa, that's confusing" and it's never seemed confusing before. Ty!
it felt like a lot of images thrown at the reader so they drown in them and have no idea what's going on or what they're even suppsoed to be seeing anymore