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Screaming Roses

by Chevy


the earth takes root
the trees fall
as mankind follows suit
the end of all

That's a very suitable, decent ending for a poem like this. However, I found a few flaws. One thing, you should probably add commas. It was hard keeping up in some areas and I was like "whoa, whoa, whoa" what's that supposed to mean?I think the lack of comma usage in this poem is really what the threw off what could have been an excellent poem.
Also, I see how you were trying to make it rhyme, but in so many places it sounded like it was forced and you couldn't think of anything else to say. Perhaps, you should re-write it--getting rid of the rhyming all the way.
I think you should also get rid at least half of the images. There was so many, I didn't even have the time to focus on one long enough to really imagine it.


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Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:16 am
Misty says...



GAH!
this is from when I was 14! Please don't read it! *head/desk*




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Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:44 am
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Gadi. wrote a review...



I loved it! I don't really think the review above really focused on the things in this poem I found important (sorry guys!!!). So, here are my ideas, all anotized on the poem:

Separate your images, please. Not only will it help the rhyming, but it will clear up the visuals too, not a jumble of images but now an entire scene of them.



PUNCTUATE!


Roses scream, [loved the hook. Really caught my attention.]
The grass raided--
Blood gleams
On its moist blades[/u].

The silken flower
Turns to dust[u],

The moon shines orange,The daisies rust.

A horse cries;
The trees demean;
The copper skies
Just turned to green.

A mangled kitten
writhes on the ground.
The air is smitten
while the earth turns round

Cry for me now
laugh at me then--
Ask yourself how
it came, the end.

The earth takes root,
the trees, they fall,
as mankind follows suit...
the end of all.

Overall, nice images....but message? I feel as if there was a message to this poem, but I really didn't get it. Is it anger? Sadness? That images can create emotion?

Otherwise, beautiful! You created a rare thing--rhyming that describes imagery!




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Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:10 pm
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GingerLizzy wrote a review...



Hmm.. You've got a lot of imagary in here and I have to say, I liked it, althought it washed over my sometimes, not giving me enough time to let it sink in, if you know what I mean. You probabaly don't.

Anyway, I didn't like the flow much, it confused me a little, but altogether, the storyline of the poem and how it is full of emtion won me over.

Good work.




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Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:02 am
lexy wrote a review...



Misty wrote:I wrote this when I was moody. Please tell me what you think of it.

Roses scream
The grass raided
Blood gleams
On its moist blades
The silken flower
Turns to dust
The moon shines orange
The daisies rust
A horse cries
The trees demean
The copper skies
Just turned to green
A mangled kitten
writhes on the ground
The air is smitten
the earth turns round
Cry for me now
laugh at me then
Ask yourself how
it came the end
the earth takes root
the trees fall
as mankind follows suit
the end of all


where is the punctuation???
I have a feeling that your rhyming is too forced i.e Kitten/smitten.
other than that... hell you where in a bad mood.
Well done, Lexy x




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Tue Nov 21, 2006 2:03 am
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Fireweed wrote a review...



A bit morbid... That's not neccasarily bad, just not really my taste...

The imagery is good, but this doesn't really have any discernable meaning. It seems like random images with no connection to each other just sort of jumbled together... See if you can make the message a little more obvious.

It's cool, though.The rhyme and rhythm are very well-done, the emotion is strong, and the imagery is very unique and powerful. Kudos on that.




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Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:15 am
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Misty says...



thanks and I get your meaning. :D




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Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:03 am
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Soyala Amaya wrote a review...



Nice hook. Very nice. Writing is almost like fishing, you must first hook the reader, then painfully draw them in to the deeper meaning of your piece so that the snowmen of their brains might actually have a chance to think. ...long story on the snowmen, just don't ask.

But after the first bit, you kind of lost me. I can see that you are going for rhyme, but sometimes it seems like you just threw in a random scene to make it rhyme. Do you see what i'm getting at?

The ending was rather nice, you had your basic meaning there for us to find, but through some of the middle its like you were bashing our heads against rocks as you were taking in the line.




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:45 pm
electricbluemonkey wrote a review...



Wow, I loved it.

Your style was really unique and the description was just perfect.

Misty Lynn wrote:
Roses scream
The grass raided
Blood gleams
On its moist blades


Hmm...I dont really get the last line there, but I loved the first lines. Roses scream was a really unique and great touch to start off.

Misty Lynn wrote:The silken flower
Turns to dust
The moon shines orange
The daisies rust


I loved the rhyming, it was really good. And once again the description was awesome.

Misty Lynn wrote:A mangled kitten
writhes on the ground
The air is smitten
the earth turns round


The air is smitten...hmm...not too sure about that, but the rhyming once again was great.

Misty Lynn wrote:the earth takes root
the trees fall
as mankind follows suit
the end of all


Great way to end the poem. I loved it.

Overall it was really dramatic, and the rhyming was the best I've seen in YWS. The style of short, sho-ort sentences was really good, and the description was great.




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 5:36 pm
Misty says...



I think you're right. I just read through it quickly and I was like, "whoa, that's confusing" and it's never seemed confusing before. Ty!




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 4:07 pm
convintojm says...



it felt like a lot of images thrown at the reader so they drown in them and have no idea what's going on or what they're even suppsoed to be seeing anymore





If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde