Published June 17, 2011
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Hey CheshireCat! First off, I'd just like to introduce myself and welcome you to YWS! My name is Trish, and I really hope that you're liking it here so far in our wonderful online world.
If you ever have any questions at all about anything here, please feel absolutely free to PM me and I'll do my best to help! So, welcome, and let's get on with the review!


So, to begin with, I've just pasted your whole story in the spoiler and bolded anything I thought you might like to take a look at. It doesn't cover all the nit-picks, just small typos, etc.!
Spoiler
I did notice some more grammar mistakes that I didn't point out here - mostly dealing with commas and such - but those can be easily fixed when you go over it as well. If you need more information about how to fix pretty much any grammar mistake anyone could think up, though, I would suggest taking a look at this one book called "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. I have a copy and it's pretty much indispensable now! So check that out if you're interested!
Moving on to more general subjects now!
Plot and Character Development
So, one of the main first impressions I got after reading this was that it seemed quite rushed and flat. It was interesting and I sincerely feel that you have a good idea for your plot, but you need to flesh the whole thing out a bit more to make it better.
What I would suggest really delving deeper into is the character of James. Right now, he's a really two-dimensional character, not anyone that we can really relate to or care about. Remember the first rule of creating main characters: Make them believable so we care! Why should we care about James? Why should we read your story? Draw us in by making him look and feel like a real person, not just a paper doll.
Another thing that I'd like to mention, however, is how abruptly James is infatuated with this girl he sees. It's like he sees her once and then he thinks he's known her for his whole life. And while that could work if you did it the right way, it's just not working right now. The whole situation seems kind of fake and such, but then again maybe that's just me.
One thing you could do to help fix that, though, is to show the character's feelings; never just tell us anything. You have some good descriptions here, like this sentence for example:
But what you don't do is transfer that to your character's thoughts and feelings as well. We don't really get to know anything about James because we don't get to see his reactions to what goes on around him INSIDE his mind, or even really through his actions either. Try to show us why all of this is important to James, and why it is important to the story as well. MAKE US CARE!
Overall
Overall, I think that this is a good start, and it has a ton of potential. Try to go over it more yourself and really flesh out the entire world, especially James' character, and make us care about it.
Anyways, I really hope that you keep at this and at least think about some of the points I made here. Hopefully this helped, and I can't wait to read more of your work in the future! And again, please feel free to contact me if you need anything or even just want to say hi! It's great to meet you, and I'll see you around!
WOW! I love it! Is Lucy real? Don't answer that. There were some grammatical errors that you should probably fix. I once read that a way to edit your work to make sure that there aren't any grammatical/spelling errors is to read it sentence by sentence backwards. It worked for me, but it's boring. You don't have to do that, it's just a suggestion. I can't wait to read whatever you post next, welcome to YWS!