Published November 28, 2020
George sat huddled in his room. The 13th room on the 13th floor of the Knights Inn. He knew the legends everyone did but he didn’t believe them. Still he felt a shiver run down his spine. He looked at the clock, 2:58 am. 2 more minutes. He heard footsteps walking towards his door. 1 more minute. The footsteps stopped at his door. 50 seconds a soft knock. 40 seconds a large pounding on his door. 30 seconds a key inserted into his door. George reached for the nearest weapon...a table lamp. 20 seconds the doorknob turned. 10 seconds the door creaked open. 9 seconds a figure stepped in. 7 seconds the figure approached him. 5 seconds the figure stopped in front of him. George screamed.
In the morning the janitor would find his body. The cops would never find his killer...a cold case. He would just become another victim of the 13th room of the 13th floor of the Knights Inn.
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139,255 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
A thrilling tale indeed! The Writer's Guild does, however, have a few slight critiques.
The largest being a lack of detail. While the story is quite interesting, it could've benefited from a bit of exposition before it actually began. It seems to us as though we join the story at the climax. We don't know why George is there or why these things happen at the Knight's Inn. It feels lackluster because of this, coupled with the fact that there isn't enough time in this to properly build suspense.
Other than that, the Guild feels as though this story has tremendous capability for success. It has a good character (we assume), a good setting, and a good premise. It simply needs more length to explain all of these good things it provided itself with.
Sláinte,
The Cidrian Writer's Guild
Thank you for this review!!! I started it at the climax to make the reader decide all the questions you have (although in hindsight I see the problem now). Also the Guild? Lol nice name.
Momo, here to review!
Wow, this sent shivers up my spine! Very spooky!I like how you get to the point (and kill the main character) like a true author! There were just a few thing I wanted to point out, so here you go! Note: If you do not like or disagree with any of my critiques, please ignore them.
I would recommend putting some commas or dashes here to make it flow better. Like this!
He knew the legends-everyone did-but he didn't believe them.
- I would recommend telling us why he is waiting for 3:00 am?
- A period instead of a comma after "clock."
I think it would look better with a colon ( : ) instead of ... after weapon.
- Again, it would look better with a colon ( : ) instead of ... after killer.
- What do you mean by a cold case here?
I'm not sure what you mean here. The janitor wouldn't become a victim? It's somewhat confusing.
Other then that, amazing job! I enjoyed reading this, and I hope this helped!
Momo
Thank you for your review I'll keep these in mind for my next story and if I go back to edit this one!!!
Ok so ik i said this is horror and ik its acc not super scary lol but yea hope u enjoy!!!