Hey hey there, Ches! I saw this poem in the poetry section and decided to leave a review! Because it's rather long, I think I'm going to give you my overall impression and then give you three things I think might help you! So on to the review~
I think this poem is quite bittersweet and a lovely tribute to your friends. It seems very personal, which I love seeing in poetry; this could definitely apply to a lot of people, but it also relates specifically to you. Especially with the mention of specific names and scenarios, I think you did a really nice job making this poem personal. And like I said, this poem is rather bittersweet, which I really love! You talk about losing friends and pain, but you also give thanks to those that stayed by your side and celebrated your true friends. I love the mixing of emotions, as it explores different sides of life and doesn't just stick to one side. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this lovely poem! There are a few things I'd like to mention, but these are just my suggestions, so if you don't agree please feel free to disregard them!
The first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Since your poem is quite long, I think adding stanzas would be helpful to make your poem look less intimidating and divide it into sections that make it easier for the reader to read and digest. There are many ways you could divide this poem up, and I'll give you one example in the spoiler below!
But of course, there are many ways you can break this poem up, so if you don't agree, feel free to disregard this!
The next think I'd like to mention is capitalization. For most of the poem, you capitalize the beginning of every line, but there are a couple of spots that you don't do this:
because I have real ones, that stay
&
when I grow up, I hope you'll still be here, thank you, the list goes on
I think it's important to stick to one method of capitalization, so I recommend capitalizing these lines in order to remain consistent! But it's all up to you, as capitalization is a stylistic choice
The last thing I'd like to mention is your rhyme scheme, two things in particular
1.) There are some spots where you rhyme scheme seems a bit forced. In other words, it seems like you wrote a certain line just for the sake of rhyming. I don't think you shoal sacrifice your content or message of the poem for the rhyme, so I would either take a look at how you can make your rhyme seem less forced / use better words or just reword the line, or you could try to write this without a particular rhyme scheme
2.) I noticed that your rhyme scheme wasn't consistent. It started out as AA, BB, CC, etc., but sometimes you strayed from this pattern. I think it's helpful to stick to one pattern so your reader knows what to expect and it isn't jarring, like it is when you change up the pattern unexpectedly. But again, if you don't agree, feel free to ignore this! ^^
And that's all I got for you! Overall, I think this is a lovely tribute that your friends would really appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this poem of yours, and I hope to read more from you soon. I hope this helped! ^_^
Points: 29825
Reviews: 465
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