Published January 26, 2010
I met, knew and fell deeply in love with a vampire named Danny once but I have to be very careful about how I discuss our unorthodox relationship. Otherwise people will think that you are messed up in the head ; you know crazy, need some time to finger paint and pop your daily meds in a room with no windows and no sharp objects. And yes a place where a strait jacket awaits you if you even yawn too widely.
I learned my lesson from that first dark medicated haze of rage behind those dark, putrid padded walls in the psych- ward and I’m not going back there ever, ever again. Yes, I’ll tell you my wild vampire story ! They can’t stop me from talking and telling a story! But I have to be careful it ’s all in how tell I the story. Before they locked me up I was vehemently and desperately trying to share facts that I could not prove and that made me look crazy.
Out of my own blood sweat and tears I’ve come to realize that there is a very thin line between fact and fiction. So when Mom discovers and she will discover that I’m talking about Danny again and says, “YOU ARE BECOMING DILUSIONAL AGAIN!!! ” I will say, “No my dear, you are delusional . Can’t you see that I’m only telling a vampire tale. Not living one!” She and Dr. Soft will never trick me into saying that I believe that it is a fact again. But I do-- yet I don’t--- but I do--- Yet I don’t . Do-- do-- do!!! Don’t --- don’t--- don’t ! This is nonsense , I know but it protects me so that I can tell you without fear of being locked up again ; all the things that happened between me and my vampire .
I’ll start here just talking with you as though you are a friend that I can trust.
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,576 Reviews
Hello, I'm Kate.
The YWS member before me covered the grammar pretty well, so I am only going to add my suggestions. I think you have a pretty good plot set, but I am confused. Is this girl really mentally ill? This was short, but not too short. I rather read shorter posts than long ones! 
Also, this is just a pet peeve of mine, but I cannot stand it when there is more than one exclamation mark. For some reason, it really unsettles me. Nevertheless, that is just me. I hope you continue this, because I think you as a writer and also this story have a lot of potential!
Best of luck,
Kate
There should be a comma after knew and a comma after once. The first comma is because of the group of things and the second comma is so that this sentence doesnt become a runon.
I think this sentence would be a little less cluttered without the "messed up in the head" part. I would take that out and let it look like this: Otherwise, people would think you're crasy; you know, need some time to finger paint and pop your daily meds in a room with no windows and no sharp objects.
You dont have to change it if you don't want to it's just a suggestion.
And tipically is used as a conjunction word, not used at the beginning of sentences. In this case I think you can just eliminate it and put a comma after yes.
I love this sentence, full of description nice and delicate. It just needs a comma after ward.
Just like And But is a conjunction word, used to combined sentences and usually isn't used at the beginning of sentences. I think it should be replaced with Although,
There needs to be a comma after blood and sweat. It's grouping three things together like if I said: He is tall, nice, and handsome.
There needs to be a comma after so and a period after the qoutation marks.
This is a question. Instead f a period put a question mark.
This is all very confusing, and I would like to tell you that as a thought from your main character it is a good one just italize it. like this: But I do-- yet I don’t--- but I do--- Yet I don’t . Do-- do-- do!!! Don’t --- don’t--- don’t !
At the end it should be my vampire and I.
OverAll: I think this is a very good start and with few tweaks I think it could make out into a good innovative idea of a novel. Just be careful and not fall into the cliche. Happy writting and please PM me if you post anything new for this story and if you have any questions.
Have a great day,
Tiffany