Young Writers Society

Hey Chaser!

I must say that the topic of the poem is quite interesting however, the poem needs a bit of improvement in some areas. Hopefully with this review I'll be able to help you with that

The first thing I noticed whilst reading this poem is that there is no form of punctuation. I associate lack of punctuation with the element of continuity like a never ending battle. I don't know whether the reason for the lack of punctuation is as a means to show continuity of the battle in the mind or else just a mistake. Either way, I suggest you to insert some punctuation since it is difficult for the reader to read it properly without punctuation due to the different voices within the poem.

Secondly, I think that in the third line you have a small grammatical mistake. It should be 'brain's' not 'brains'.

In order to improve this poem further more, I would suggest you to induce more feelings in the poem and transmit them to the reader. How are the voices in your mind affecting the speaker? You only mention 'I fight and cry, scream and yell'. These words are effective but not effective enough to touch the reader's heart. Try to portray the physical effect brought up by this mental exhaustion.

I keep rereading this line: 'With the commotion my brains a maze' and something seems shaky. Apart from the mistake I mentioned earlier, I would also suggest you to replace the word 'maze' by another word which makes the speaker seem more confused with a foggy mind. This is because when the word maze makes one portray some kind of structure. Right the structure may be confusing but it's a structure nonetheless. Meanwhile I think that in this poem you are actually trying to emphasise on the exhaustion of different thoughts, confusion and uncertainty.

The repetition of 'whatever I do I must fight' seems to me as if the speaker is trying to push himself harder to fight. If you manage to work on my previous point, the point in which I explained that it would be better to portray the physical effect brought up by the mental exhaustion, I think that this phrase would be even more effective.

'Black and white no grey'- According to me this line reflects the speaker's desperation to get rid of the confusion, the 'grey'. He is not bothered by having opposite voices but he is bothered by the uncertainty these opposite voices bring about in his mind.

I think the ending could also be worked upon. At one point there is the battle of the self and then at one instant there is written that the speaker won the war inside his head. There is no distinction between before and after. I was quite disappointed with the ending but that was probably because the feelings throughout the poem should have been transmitted better to the reader so that this amplifies the relief in the end.

Well, as I've already said the topic is quite exciting and I believe that with some arrangements you can make this poem even better

Hope my review helps,
-me

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review for you! i would first like to say how you kinda rhymed some of the words together and the tone of this poem is amazing. This poem would kinds be something that everyone has had in their life; a battle in their head about what to do or what is right or wrong? I have fights in my head all the time and mostly I sometimes lost to them but sometime I would win to them even if they want me to lose.

The poems shows someone trying to help themselves when the fights in their head take over. When the fights in their head, becomes a reality like parents fighting or sister fighting with you. Then one you give up doing nothing and you sit there and pray, hoping they leave your brain through your ear or out your mouth. The tone of this poem is well written to were everyone could understand it.

There is one error in the beginning where it says "brains".. it should be "brain" since we only have one brain,

Hope you enjoyed this review!
CapitalMonday

I like what it is about and I also like the way it rolls off my tong it is very smooth. I also like the ending I will take such an honorable bow it is really nice and it is kind of emotional in a way. One thing you could add is a better middle part of the ending.

It's profound and overall very good. Yet, if you try using similar diction and the same concept but have the narrator speaking to him/herself, the reader would be more drawn into the internal conflict of the narrator's mind. This suggestion would also allow for the "voices in their head" to speak first-hand periodically through out the poem which could also allow the reader to feel like they are experiencing the conflict first-hand opposed to being told of it. But again, there's definitely a goodly amount of artistic value in this one! Good job!

In the beginning it had good detail and was said in a interesting way but at the end I expected a bit more detailed while having some rhymes.

This is such a good piece of poetry. It made me think about what goes on in my head. You really expressed your feelings in this poet and you did it really well. I have never read a poem about whats going on in someones head, but I like it. I rate this poet a 9.5/10.

This is such a good piece of poetry. It made me think about what goes on in my head. You really expressed your feelings in this poet and you did it really well. I have never read a poem about whats going on in someones head, but I like it. I rate this poet a 9.5/10.

This is such a good piece of poetry. It made me think about what goes on in my head. You really expressed your feelings in this poet and you did it really well. I have never read a poem about whats going on in someones head, but I like it. I rate this poet a 9.5/10.

This is such a good piece of poetry. It made me think about what goes on in my head. You really expressed your feelings in this poet and you did it really well. I have never read a poem about whats going on in someones head, but I like it. I rate this poet a 9.5/10.

This was a very good descriptive story. One thing that I think it might need is more detailed work on the voices that the poem is describing.

Very deep. Also It is interesting but little intense.

Hello, I'm Phoenix, and I'll be reviewing your poem today!

First let me start out with how I like the theme of your poem. The content is very good, and I understand the meaning of the poem, and what you're trying to show in the poem. This is a very common subject, and everyone has their own experiences, thank you for sharing yours!

Secondly, let's touch base on your format! You chose not to put it in verses, and only into separate lines, which is unique. I must say, however, you did not use enough punctuation, which is a very needed tool in poetry. The only punctuation you used was a comma, which was only used three times. Without any other punctuation like periods, question marks, etc., there is no where for your readers to pause when reading, which means they take no breaths, and that's not how it should be, ya know? Maybe check out some forums on here that talk about poetry, and find one that talks about the importance of punctuation in poetry, I know there are some helpful ones.

Your poem is great as is, but if you make some slight changes, it can become even greater! Keep writing!

An interesting poem. Very deep and beautiful in its own way, however, it seemed a little intense.

First of all great poem! One thing I noticed while reading this was that there were a few not capitalized Is, other than that there isn't much I can see that is wrong with this. Another thing I noticed was that this poem felt very personal which really brought out emotion which was a very good way to write this. I also liked that you showed other peoples opinions of it and how you reacted.

I think the poem was good. I think it was a little intense for me. but it is more about your feelings than mine.

I think the poem was good. I think it was a little intense for me. but it is more about your feelings than mine.