It was a world much like our own; too much like our own, and that was why it was destroyed. This world was a static dream, an image in the cosmic soap bubble before it popped, leaving a messy memory behind. But its destruction, that disposable heart produced something true, and left a tear in the eye that watched it crumble.
This is, principally, the tale of the Four Horsemen of Utopia, and the destruction of their deceit at the hands of the true Four Horsemen of Death, and the deceit of their destruction. It is all deceit to begin with, the truth of a parallel universe. That said, here are they.
This story began on an unkempt baseball field in America, a diamond of brown dust. There, the pitcher was winding up for a practice throw.
He whipped the ball towards the batter’s mound, slamming it into the catcher’s mitt before the batter had time to blink. This was the high-school team’s routine drill, and as the batter walked away from the mound, the pitcher caught the baseball again and took a deep breath.
Next in line was batter #4, the one who prevented him from being the complete star of the team. The lanky redhead that now scuttled out of the dugout was their batting ace, the one they called the Coward Slugger. The batter popped on his helmet, blinked, then wrapped his shaking fingers around the bat. Seamus Roich, the Coward Slugger, looked absolutely terrified to be playing baseball.
The pitcher let himself grin a little. Pitching against Seamus was always a good challenge. If he was ever going to get better (he would not), pushing himself was key. As long as he could bounce back from it, he was willing to take on the world.
These thoughts infused his fingers as he tossed the ball to himself menacingly. At the plate, Seamus took an almost comical batting stance and gulped.
The pitcher kicked his leg skyward in a ludicrous windup, his body becoming a wicked axle for the ball. With pure, ravenous glee, the pitcher sliced the baseball through the air towards the plate. As it pushed upon the air, it seemed to build up a sonic boom, the sound of the scream in Seamus’ eyes.
Seamus’ bat came down on top of the ball and drove it into the ground, digging a trench halfway to the pitcher’s mound. As the rest of the players stood in shock, Seamus stumbled and ran to first base.
The pitcher was silent for a second, before he doubled over, giggling. “Seamus,” he wheezed, “what the shit? How’s that even possible?”
The rest of the players picked up on the laughter, clutching their sides and guffawing. Seamus himself managed a chuckle.
“Alright! That’s a water break!” the pitcher called, looking at the trench. “I’ll go get something to fill this in.”
Wandering away from the field, the pitcher walked to the tree near the parking lot. He scooped a glove full of soil, getting ready to carry it back before he noticed a girl watching him from the lot.
“Hey there!” he shouted, grinning. “Care to watch?”
The girl said nothing and walked towards him, and in doing so, he noticed her clothing, a ruffled dress of a deep, listless blue.
“Whoa, hey!” the pitcher stuttered as she backed him up against the tree. “Not that I mind this happening, but, uh, shouldn’t I at least know your name?”
The girl looked him in the eyes, then replied, “Conquer.”
“What-” The pitcher’s vision burst open as the girls fingers pierced his chest. As his mind spiralled into veins of light, he caught a brief glimpse of what lay at the end.
“Oh god,” he croaked, his mind collapsing gratefully beneath her power.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Lady Astella here for a review. I love your grammer on how you wrote, it is very sophisticated. I also loved the intense emotion you put into your story, it made me feel like I was being drawn into the story itself, like I was one of the characters. This story will stay with me for a long time, I hope you keep writing because you are very good at it!
Hi Lady Astella here for a review. I love your grammer on how you wrote, it is very sophisticated. I also loved the intense emotion you put into your story, it made me feel like I was being drawn into the story itself, like I was one of the characters. This story will stay with me for a long time, I hope you keep writing because you are very good at it!
Hi! Manilla here for a review.
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You don't have grammar/spelling/punctuation errors, so there won't be nitpicky things from me.
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The story moves a little fast in my opinion. You could slow down and elaborate on the pitching scene (or any scene) a bit more, and the girl is introduced so quickly you barely understand who she is. This begins to get me questioning about the significance of the narrator, who seems to wield unhuman power...And who is Seamus, really? Is the pitcher just a redshirt that will serve as a warning for the rest of the characters? Demonstrate the villain's power? Ooh!
Once again, this is only a first chapter, so I'll just take it easy for now.
That's some spicy action going on there!
This is another example of a scene in which you can elaborate more. These lines serve as brilliant prose!
That's all from me.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.)