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Young Writers Society



The Family Van Zant

by Chaser


The gentleman parked his car outside the cemetery gate, and walked towards the groundskeeper’s house as she hefted his bags over one shoulder.

“Got the bandages?” she interrogated, testing the bags’ weight. “Antiseptic?”

“Yes and yes,” he sang. “Lisa, there’s no need to worry.”

“No need to worry?” Lisa exclaimed. “We could end up dead!”

The gentleman chuckled. “It’s a family reunion, Lisa. You’ll get used to hosting in no time.”

“For Van Zant reunions? I don’t think so,” Lisa replied, and the gentleman laughed again. He was August, eldest living member of the Van Zants. He possessed a spritely step despite his age, for it was said that long ago, a witch had blessed the Van Zants with everlasting vitality. Lisa was fond of complaining that she’d given them far too much.

“So Lisa, how is the family business treating you?” he asked her.

“Morbidly!” she quipped, then looked pensive. “It comes with the terrain, I guess.”

“No problems taking on Walter’s responsibilities?”

“None except this one. Man,” Lisa remarked, opening the door and carrying the bags in, “it was such a hassle when Dad passed. Practically everyone was up in arms about it.”

“Well, he was the favorite son,” August said, stepping into the house, “and he still loves you very much.” Standing on his toes, he planted a kiss on her forehead.

As Lisa unpacked the bags, he sat down in his favorite chair near the fireplace. “You’ve got everything else gathered, I presume?”

“Uh, yeah.” Lisa rummaged through the house, checking the closets. “Yep, it’s all here.”

“Remember to lock the back door!” August called down the hallway.

A thumbs up peeked around the corner. “Got it!”

“That’ll keep her busy,” August murmured, finally getting up from the recliner to address the constant tapping at the window. He brushed back the blinds and opened the window outwards. “Ah. I figured you’d be the first to show up.”

A man stood on the porch, smiling back at him. There were dirt stains on his overalls from digging, plus one larger stain over his chest from what had finally killed him.

The dead man craned his neck, looking into the house. “Is Lisa here?” he asked.

“She’s fine, Walter,” August said. “Your little girl is all grown up.”

Walter’s eyes glistened, and he pressed his lips together, looking down. August caught his gaze and nodded, and the same, sad laugh passed between them, two brothers across life and death.

“August?”

August smiled. Here came the inevitable question.

“May I eat your heart?”

August scoffed and replied, “I should think not.”

Walter shook his head, smiling. “I thought I’d at least ask.”

With that, his mouth swung open, and he lunged at August through the window.

August produced a baseball bat from beneath the couch and whacked Walter upside the head. As his brother toppled backwards, August slammed the window shut. “Lisa!” he shouted into the house. “They’re here!”

As Lisa rushed down the stairs clad in spiked battle armor, August hefted the bat onto his shoulder and smiled. “There is nothing like a Van Zant reunion,” he remarked.


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57 Reviews


Points: 548
Reviews: 57

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Mon Jul 30, 2018 4:40 pm
1nspire says...



This was incredibly well written. I was originally confused to see that this fell into the horror genre, but the, wow, I found out why. I would love to see this story continued, as the characters are very intriguing. I really like the concept and the surprise ending.

I just have one suggestion, which would be to use simpler words like said towards the beginning, as I found the use of "quipped" a little distracting. You have a very interesting vocabulary, which really fits this story well.

This line just made me smile for some reason:

"August produced a baseball bat from beneath the couch and whacked Walter upside the head."

Overall a great piece, amazing job!




User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 548
Reviews: 57

Donate
Mon Jul 30, 2018 4:39 pm
1nspire says...



This was incredibly well written. I was originally confused to see that this fell into the horror genre, but the, wow, I found out why. I would love to see this story continued, as the characters are very intriguing. I really like the concept and the surprise ending.

I just have one suggestion, which would be to use simpler words like said towards the beginning, as I found the use of "quipped" a little distracting. You have a very interesting vocabulary, which really fits this story well.

This line just made me smile for some reason:

"August produced a baseball bat from beneath the couch and whacked Walter upside the head."

Overall a great piece, amazing job!




User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 548
Reviews: 57

Donate
Mon Jul 30, 2018 4:39 pm
1nspire says...



This was incredibly well written. I was originally confused to see that this fell into the horror genre, but the, wow, I found out why. I would love to see this story continued, as the characters are very intriguing. I really like the concept and the surprise ending.

I just have one suggestion, which would be to use simpler words like said towards the beginning, as I found the use of "quipped" a little distracting. You have a very interesting vocabulary, which really fits this story well.

This line just made me smile for some reason:

"August produced a baseball bat from beneath the couch and whacked Walter upside the head."

Overall a great piece, amazing job!




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1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

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Sun Jul 29, 2018 6:50 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



OH WOW FAM. I did not expect that ending??? Like, you tagged it as horror, but then I got to this bit.

The dead man craned his neck, looking into the house. “Is Lisa here?” he asked.

“She’s fine, Walter,” August said. “Your little girl is all grown up.”

Walter’s eyes glistened, and he pressed his lips together, looking down. August caught his gaze and nodded, and the same, sad laugh passed between them, two brothers across life and death.


And I was like, that's not horrifying, it's kind of sweet even though it is a little creepy that, you know, her father is dead but there anyway.

But then we get to him trying to eat August's heart and August beating him off and Lisa coming down in battle armor.

I guess the real question is why any of the Van Zants bother going to the cemetery for their reunion, but luckily you really don't need to answer those questions in a horror.

The voice is really strong, and August is a hoot. I love him. I also particularly love this line from Lisa:

He possessed a spritely step despite his age, for it was said that long ago, a witch had blessed the Van Zants with everlasting vitality. Lisa was fond of complaining that she’d given them far too much.


You have a nice omniscient narrator here and do it really well - you show us what's going on both in Lisa and August's heads, but it never gets confusing or jolting. I don't like a lot of horror, but I really enjoyed this!




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18 Reviews


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Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:31 am
introworded wrote a review...



introworded here!!

This was so much fun to read! I LOVED your writing; it read so smoothly and held my attention. I could really see this as a novel or in a collection of short stories. Your characters are also really well-written and had so much personality.

“Yes and yes,” he sang.

August scoffed and replied, “I should think not.”

Really good characterization with these lines! Just from the simple "he sang" and his word choices tell a lot about who this character is.

There weren't any major grammar mistakes that I could see, but I do feel that there were some unnecessary commas at certain spots.
He possessed a spritely step despite his age, for it was said that long ago, a witch had blessed the Van Zants with everlasting vitality.

I think this sentence would sound better if the comma after 'ago' was taken out.
Walter’s eyes glistened, and he pressed his lips together, looking down.

I also feel that the first comma here is not needed. I often struggle with using too many commas as well! (In fact, you could probably spot some in this review.)
This was such a fun read and I hope to see more from you soon!





Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault