Published March 16, 2010
I was running around my room in a rush, trying to find my IPod touch. It couldn't be that hard to find, I thought, My room is empty. It is true too, today is the day that my evil father is moving my brother, Shane, and I to some small coast city in Virginia. He's removing us from my comfortable life in New York City, from my ghostly friends and teh nearby cementary.
You see, I am a pyschic, a person who can see things the average person can't. My friends are ghosts. My best friend, Ivy, is the oldest. She belonged to the Colony of MAssachusettes in nearby Boston. She was moved here when her fiance went on the run. He had killed a Boston market apprentice after he refused him is tobacco. HE forced her into a carraige and they rode to New York, where he was put to death and she was claimed to be a witch. Ivy's not a witch though. She my friend. The very best friend a person could possibly have, which is why I will miss her dearly.
"ROSE!!!!! HURRY UP, WE'RE LATE!!!!!!!!!!!" My father yelled in the raspy voice he got last night at Aunt Phyllis's goign away party she had for us.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." I muttered more to myself than to him. "Aha, gotcha now." i had found my IPod touch in my carry-on. I ran down the stairs, purse over my shoulder, carry-on in hand. I stepped into the light of day.I put on my bug-eye glasses on and walked to the car, threw my stuff into the window and took one last time. Good-bye, friends. I saw them all, one last time: Ivy was standing in the doorway; William standing behind her. I waved to them both. Ivy started crying and William squeezed her tightly, even though he was tearing up himself, which in turn made me tear up. I waved on last time then got in the car, and told my dad to step on it. I turned back and stared at the house and Ivy and William until they were both out of sight.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is certainly quite the start here. It definitely gets your attention right away as a reader. Its a bit on the rushed side, but the frantic pace somehow almost works for the type of tone you seem to be attempting to set here and the whole moving out part not to mention ghosts of all things certainly make you as a reader take notice so a rather solid start I believe.
Hmm, well that seems like a very interesting premise right here although I sort of feel like maybe you need to be a little bit more careful on the whole introducing this friend side of things. It is a rather short first chapter so taking such a chunk to introduce this person in quite this much detail really derails the general flow of this piece quite a bit and that can be a bit of an issue for a first chapter so perhaps look into reducing that one.
Aaand well that scene I think falls victim to that rush. While the slight sense of rushedness worked out well as far as the opening to the piece was concerned, I think you've got to be a teensy bit more careful in terms of a moment like this which really needs to be slow for it to have a proper impact on readers so while this is a very good choice of ending and a powerful set of emotions, it could be so much more if the pacing was slowed down a tad here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Personally, your story seems like a whirlwind of good ideas! Yet they're a bit disheveled and unorganized. If the girl is moving to a small coastal city with her dad and brother, it would've been better if you explained her supernatural friends through inner thinking. (Which, btw, should be in italics). Plus I feel like you're telling and not showing. SENSORY DETAILS! And why is 'Part 1' so short? Usually parts go on for pages and pages! Please take these suggestions into consideration to improve your writing.
I love the potential in this story. I love the way your character instantly brands her father as evil. I love how matter-of-fact she is throughout her narration. It is a great start to a character.
I'd say, take some time to slow down and introduce your story. We kinda get dumped with this paragraph of exposition about Ivy and at this point, we don't really care. Maybe have a scene interacting with her, showing your narrator's psychic abilities while also getting in some history? It'd be so much more interesting to read and much more character-illustrating than a quick dump about Ivy's past.
There's some grammar issues, a lot to do with oddly capitalized letters and some running together of punctuation. Little things, but they add up to make for a difficult reading experience. The last paragraph especially was killer on my eyes. Slow down. Take a breath. Break up your paragraphs a little more. The all-caps for the dad's dialogue aren't needed. A little goes a long way with exclamation points. Just leave the text ordinary with one exclamation point. We'll get the message.
I really do love the potential in this. With a little slowing down and a bit of fleshing out, this could be really cool. Onto the next bit!
~GryphonFledgling
Hello! Here for a review
I don't know if you've noticed, but those lines rhyme. To me that makes it a little awkward, as if the whole story should then rhyme.
And since first lines are very important, what if you try to spice it up. Add some adjectives, adverbs, verbs. I was stumbling around my room. I hopped over a neatly packed brown box (I just assumed there would be boxes) etc.
Thoughts should be in italics.
The physic thing came out of the blue. Try introducing it a little, perhaps add it in later. For example, when she later sees Ivy and William you could have her brother or dad run right through them and then introduce that they are ghosts. Showing rather than telling, you know? Introduce Ivy's past later, provide some suspense.
Wait, who's William?
Lastly, the last paragraph has some grammatical issues, read that over and you should be fine. Other than that, you have a really good story going for you. Friends with ghosts is intriguing and I'd love to see where this ends up. PM questions, comments, concerns, new chapters, etc.
Alright, so, the first sentence is something that should hood the reader in. I have read many opening lines. But writing about trying to find and iPod is a new one. wasn't very good. Id say to just rewrite that whole first paragraph. I found it wasn't as strong as the rest of your peice.
~WickedWonder
Ditto what the previous reviewers said. They missed one thing though:
Your tenses are of. You start out your story with a WAS and then suddenly change to AM. This makes for a huge error. Make sure you stay consistent. If this happened in the past it's WAS HAD DID and not IS AM HAVE DO. Got it? Otherwise, interesting start. This however cannot possibly your Chapter 1. It's part of chapter 1, ain't it?
Fly On,
Write On,
TheNewHero.
Heya Charlotte!
and Remember, the spell check is a very useful tool.That's an interesting piece.
But I do agree with Layla. You need to define characters to these people. The start of your story would've been better if you had given more descriptions, and showed us more about these characters.
I noticed a few errors like here,
It's "cemetery."
This really has potential. Take some time, work out your characters in your head. You should know them ike your best friends.
Anyway, good work
~Lava
Hello. Layla here.
Okayy well this was very unique. But you haven't really given Rose a character yet, you know what I mean?? Okayy, we get it, she's a pyshcic.
But how does she feel about that? How do other people handle it?? Do they bully her? Do her parents know she's a pyshcic?? Arethose ghosts the only friends she have??
Do you understand what I mean, Hun?
There are alot of characters you're introducing at once, also. Who's William? How old is Shane?? Do Rose and Shane have a strong relationship? Can he see ghosts too??
Also, there are a few grammatical errors. Some words you have misspelled, like "teh" at the end of the first paragraph in our story. Also, when you're writing a story and someones saying something to themselves, you italisize it.
Overall, you could really get somewhere with this story. You have potential, you just need to find your strong points, okayy??
PM, for any questions or if you just want some help, okayy?
I hope I helped!
Love
layla