The Keeper of the Necklace

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy..so this was a mixed sort of start. Its not the greatest in some spots, but some places do managed to work very well too, I think it just needs a little bit of smoothing out in general here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Memorise the contours, the shape of the planets, how they form that almost perfect line” The beautiful women looked down at her daughter, as her blonde waved hair fell down, almost touching her daughter’s cheek, and her pale skin was so radiant, those perfect blue eyes, that no mortal could hold, her daughter looked up at her, showing the same perfect blue eyes and blonde hair, “when will the planets be in the perfect line mummy?” she asked, searching her mother’s face for the answer,

This is a sweet little scene to start off on here. We've got a fairly young person here just asking their mother about what appears to be some sort of complicated prophecy related star alignment system or at least that's the vibe this is giving off a the moment.

“The time will come, when he is sixteen” her mother whispered, she smiled at her daughter, the uttermost perfect white teeth showing, “who mummy, when who turns sixteen?” her mother laughed a sweet and calming laugh and kissed the top of her daughter’s head “for now I want you to memorise the contours okay?” she asked her daughter. She nodded almost instantly and kicked back her head to look at the sky as the planets formed that almost perfect line, her mother got up and as she did she reached for her necklace, that was around her neck, and at the end, hung a beautiful blue and gold stone, that looked like no other and it glowed spectacularly, as the mother looked out of the bedroom window, a young boy crashed into the room, the door almost swinging off the hinges, “mother! Mother! They’re coming, they’re coming it isn’t safe not for Deleahla, nor me, nor you, we have to make the portal, to the mortal world, mother they will kill us!” the son looked at his mother with pleading eyes, the mother took her son in drinking in his, shining brown hair and his pale green eyes, she nodded quickly and pulled her daughter up by the arm “look after her Quanta, no longer call yourselves by your sprit names you hear me? You remember your mortal names don’t you?” the mother asked in a stern but calm way, the son nodded and his sister quickly followed “tell me them quickly!”

Well that kind of escalated quickly, a little bit of a hurried transition there I have to say, but I think you do a pretty good job of bringing across what appears to be quite a moment in this story...and instantly as a reader we're hooked here to figure out what is going on.

“Deano” the young boy replied

The girl’s voice was muffled out like a blocked ear drum and when the girl had finished speaking the sound returned

“And what are your ages quickly now” pounding feet could be heard reaching the bedroom quickly

“12” the boy replied

OKayy..that part was slightly more confusing there....I feel like things are currently being a touch too far in the vague direction. Its never good to overload the reader's with information, but this feels like a case of slightly too little information.

“11” the girl answered, the mother nodded and tears began to swell in her eyes, she took off the necklace and placed it around the young boy’s neck, and chanted a song but the words were too fast to pick up, the she turned her back on the children lifted her arms up and sang a poem, but again the words were spoken fast and could not be picked up, a mystic blue spiral sprung forth and grew one meter wide and one meter long, the mother turned in time to see four people trying to get through the door, she quickly shut it with her mind and locked the door, “quickly now children, quickly stay together Deleahla don’t let go of your brother’s hand no matter what, goodbye my children” she kissed them both and ushered them into the portal, the door gave way and the portal closed.

Okay, I love this little part. There is a very tangible sense of mystery here with this necklace and it seems like this thing is perhaps the point where this story kicks off, especially considering the kind of title we have here.

“Oh mum! I told you I don’t want to speak to him; he tries to get me to tell him about the dream every time I have it!” the girl came into the kitchen and sat down on the nearest chair

“He wants to help and I just think this dream is all psychological and it’s just because you’re not getting to bed at the right time” the girl shook her head and placed her head in her hands, her blonde waved hair fell over her head, “well he has a strange way of showing it!” the girl answered from underneath her hair “Hayley you need to trust people, not un-trust them”

“Un-trust isn’t even a word mum” Hayley looked up showing her mum her perfect blue eyes, but rolling them and placing her head on the table “come on, you’ve got school!” her mum placed Hayley’s porridge in front of her “oh goodie” Hayley smiled sarcastically and stuck a spoonful of porridge in her mouth.

Okayy..so that transition was very confusing. It took me quite a while to figure out what was going and that's not a good sign. You've got to put something there to indicate the previous bit being a dream and make it seem separate, or it becomes a very confusing scene break. Otherwise, the ending was also a little abrupt, but the introduction to this girl and the little bit of conversation there was pretty well done I think.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is off to a pretty decent start. It just needs a few adjustments here and there and it could reach its full potential here. There's just a light sense of a few places being just a little bit off.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Charlii101 wrote:“MemoriseMemorize the contours, the shape of the planets, how they form that almost perfect line.” The beautiful womenwoman looked down at her daughter, as her blondeblond wavedwavy hair fell down, almost touching her daughter’s cheek,.and hHer pale skin was so radiant, those perfect blue eyes, that no mortal could hold, her daughter looked up at her, showing the same perfect blue eyes and blonde hair,.

*enter X 2*“wWhen will the planets be in the perfect line mummy?” she asked, searching her mother’s face for the answer,.

*enter*“The time will come, when he is sixteen.” her mother whispered, she smiled at her daughter, the uttermost perfect white teeth showing,

*enter X 2*“wWho, mummy, when who turns sixteen?”

*Enter X 2*hHer mother laughed a sweet and calming laugh and kissed the top of her daughter’s head.

*Enter*“fFor now I want you to memorise memorize the contours, okay?” she asked her daughter. SheWhich she, the daughter or mother? nodded almost instantly and kicked back her head to look at the sky as the planets formed that almost perfect line.,herHer mother got up and, as she did, she reached for her necklace., that was around her neck(You don't need to say that) and at the end, hung a beautiful blue and gold stone, that looked like no other and it glowed spectacularly,a. As theher mother looked out of the bedroom window, a young boy crashed into the room, the door almost swinging off the hinges,.

*enter*“mMother! Mother! They’re coming, they’re coming it isn’t safe not for Deleahla, nor me, nor you, we have to make the portal, to the mortal world,! mMother, they will kill us!” theher son looked at his mother with pleading eyes, the mother took her son, in drinking in his,admiring his shining brown hair and his pale green eyes,.sShe nodded quickly and pulled her daughter up by the arm.

*Enter x 2* “lLook after her Quanta,. nSo longer call yourselves by your spritspirit names, do you hear me? You remember your mortal names, don’t you?” theHer mother asked in a stern but calm way,. theHer son nodded and his sister quickly followed. “tTell me them quickly!”

*Enter x 2*“Deano,” the young boy replied.
The girl’s voice was muffled out like a blocked eardrum.andwWhen the girl had finished speaking the sound returned. (I really don't understand this.)
“And what are your ages quickly now?” pPounding feet could be heard reaching the bedroom quickly.
“12.” the boy replied
“11.” the girl answered, the mother nodded and tears began to swell in her eyes,. sShe took off the necklace and placed it around the young boy’s neck, and chanted a song but the words were too fast to pick up,. the sShe turned her back on the children lifted her arms up and sang a poem, but again the words were spoken fast and could not be oicked up,understood. aA mystic blue spiral sprung forth and grew one meter wide and one meter long, the mother turned in time to see four people trying to get through the door,. sShe quickly shut it with her mind and locked the door,.

*Enter x 2*“qQuickly now children, quickly stay together! Deleahla, don’t let go of your brother’s hand no matter what! goodbye my children!” she kissed them both and ushered them into the portal,. And just as the door gave way, the portal closed.



*Enter x @2*A girl, around the age of fifteen, walked down the stairs, in her pyjama’spajamas rubbing her hand on her head,. a womenA woman with brown short hair and a kind looking face pockedpoked her head around the door.

*Enter x 2*“wWhat have I told you about getting up late(do you mean getting up late in teh morning, or getting up in the middle of the night?)?” the womenwoman asked, shaking her head.

*eEnter x 2*“sSorry mum, you know...when I have the dreamI had the dream.” the girl did bunny ears at the word “I can’t get out of it until it is finished!” the womenwoman shook her head and returned to the porridge that was cooking on the stove,.

*Enter x 2* “Jamaal, called for you again this morning,; I told him to call later.”
“Oh mum! I told you I don’t want to speak to him; he tries to get me to tell him about the dream every time I have it!” the girl came into the kitchen and sat down on the nearesta chair. (how did he know she had the dream?)
“He wants to help!and I just think this dream is all psychological and it’s just because you’re not getting to bed at the right time.” the girl shook her head and placed her head in her hands, her blonde waved hair fell over her head,face.

*Enter x 2*“wWell he has a strange way of showing it!” the girl answered from underneath her hair.

*Enter x 2*“Hayley you need to trust people, not un-trust them.”

*Enter*“Un-trust isn’t even a word, mum.” Hayley looked up showing her mum her perfect blue eyes, but rolling them and placing her head on the table. “cCome on, you’ve got school!” her mum placed Hayley’s porridge in front of her.

*Enter x 2*“oh goodie.” Hayley smiled sarcastically and stuck a spoonful of porridge in her mouth.

Alright. This piece was nice, but had some bugs in it. Let's see what we can do, shall we?


What I liked about it:
The plot: It was interesting. I haven't seen anything like it around here- I haven't seen it anywhere, frankly. That leads me to believe that you haven't plagiarized it, which makes me think you're a good person.
The opening: It was a nice hook that got me reading.

What was okay:
Spelling: You had a few issues, like the difference between women and woman. Women in plural; unless both of the mothers are more than one person, woman is the word you want. And memorized has a z, not an s. Think of it as that you don't hear memorized to much, so it's fitting that it has a z instead of the ever-so-popular s. Or something. I don't know. Oh, and your PJs don't own anything, so it can be pyjama's. It's spelled pajamas.

What wasn't so hot:
Formatting: When you shouldn't have gone down a line, you did; when you were changing person, you didn't skip a line. When a new person talks, go into another paragraphs. It eliminates confusion and makes it look neater.
Grammar: Periods are you FRIENDS. Commas are undeceive. Use them with caution.

Hope I helped! If you have and questions, don't be afraid to shoot me a PM. I'll keep the pit bulls on their chains. =D