Published December 8, 2010
"How could he cheat on me with Cindy Williams ... okay I’ll give him the big boobs reason but still ..." Max passed his best friend Kirsty a WKD and she knocked it back straight away leaving the bottle half empty
"At Annabelle's party as well! he was meant to be my boyfriend ... why can't I just have some one like my best friend ... someone like you, kind, sweet, understanding I just ... want some ... one like ... y-o-u ..." Kirsty turned to look at Max in the eyes, he went bright red
"What?" he managed to choke out, everything fell awkward. Kirsty quickly leaned in before either of them could change their minds and they kissed, Max held her like he would never let her go. Like he craved her desperately, his kiss was soft and gentle like he cared and Kirsty showed the same passion, his touch burned through her skin, never how it did with Rob, she couldn't tell if she loved him or if she was dreaming, it certainly felt like I dream. The way he held her so close like nothing could tear them apart, but something made Max think
"No!" Max pulled away and jumped off the sofa
"What? What do you mean No?" Kirsty asked kneeling on the sofa
"This isn't right ... I mean ... you haven’t even broken up with Rob yet!"
"He cheated on me I basically think it's over don't you" Kirsty got off the sofa and came closer to Max, he backed away and Kirsty stood still.
"You only want me because your drunk and I am the only guy crazy enough about you to kiss you" Max said not looking at Kirsty while he said it
"You’re crazy about me?" Kirsty asked shocked, Max slowly nodded. Kirsty came closer and wrapped her arms around his neck
"well guess what ... I’ve found out the person I really loved, not some popular guy who's going to cheat on me but my best friend since I was this high" Kirsty showed him the height with one of her hands, Max smiled and they kissed once more but with more passion, more heat and intensity, his hands no longer burnt her skin but instead sent her heart racing Kirsty always found it difficult to tell dreams from reality but Max showed her reality and she loved it. The way they bonded together, they seemed to click. Max was letting out all theses emotions on her and Kirsty sucked them all up, mirroring him feelings and thoughts of long lost friendship and love. Never had Kirsty felt like this about anyone. Rob only seemed to excite her not make her feel the emotions she was feeling now. it became hot and heavy, just this adrenaline had to be realised, Max swung Kirsty up into his arms and the passion became more heavy.....
Kirsty woke up with Max's arms around her waist, she smiled to her self but then reality hit her hard in the chest and she found it hard to breath, Max had told her how much he felt about her and she didn't realise how much she liked him until now, she hadn't even properly broken up with Rob jet and she felt secretively guilty. she pulled Max's arms off her and he rolled over still asleep, Kirsty pulled off Max's shirt and got dressed quickly, she checked her mobile five missed calls from Rob her heart squeezed even harder Kirsty quickly shoved it into her pocket and ran down stairs, only to bump into Max's mum in the kitchen.
"Oh. Hello Kirsty, didn't know you stopped here. Shall I do you some breakfast?" Joanna turned to the cooker
"No! ... I mean ... no I have to get back sorry Mrs Carter"
"Joanna please you make me feel like a grandmother"
"Sorry Joanna"
"Well maybe some other time then" Joanna smiled sweetly at Kirsty and walked out of the kitchen. Kirsty quickly ran out of the house, she ran her fingers through her brown hair over and over again, she had to break it off with Rob but could she keep her and Max's secret could she not tell anyone she slept with Max?
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141,708 Literary Works • 675,597 Reviews
this is gooooooooood !
will you carry on writing??? xxxxxx
and yeah i hope she's not pregnant (:
Hello there, I'm here as requested!
I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with the overall impression.
I rearranged your sentences here, because some of them were run-on. And some, I just thought it sounded better like this, and created a mood.
I began with the idea I didn't have to quote the whole thing, but I then I realized you had a lot of punctuation mistakes. So I did finish up to quote the whole thing! Anyways, like I said, the biggest mistake is the punctuation... To help you with that, you should proof-read it and whenever you do a natural pause, there should be a comma there, or a period. However, don't do this just after you wrote it, because most times, you won't see anything that doesn't flow. Apart form that, I think the other reviewers said. I would like to read more, because this was just a summary, correct?
Keep writing!
-Other One
Aww this is awesome!
NO! NO, she can't tell anyone.
Unless she's preganant!
.... That would be bad
ahaa xxxx
Hey,
I appeciate this is a summary, but it goes far too fast. You need to put the brakes on and add a little emotion. She just kissed him and he jumped away, and she felt nothing? I doubt it. I would write in a lot of emotion for it too work. They jumped for just a kiss to a lot more quickly, nothing inbetween.
I liked her dilema however, and i'm intruged about Rob, what he has to say and stuff.
This piece just needs filling with emotion to make it work, especially since it is in romantic, it needs to be drenched in emotion.
If you edit let me know and i'll look again for you.
KEep it up and PM me for anything.
~Retro Disco666