Snow is flaking from clouds
In gentle, wistful breaths.
She stands. She watches.
The milky dancers cascade.
They float noiselessly
To the icy floor,
Shifting skies – pink-white to grey.
In one hand there's a box.
Cradled by her blurring fingers,
Like chilled mesh around the wood.
In the other, paper.
A fleck of it, a chipping,
A ripped and tattered
Piece of paper.
Beside the endless canvas
It’s pathetically brown.
Aged against the snow.
The paper cups a phrase.
One phrase.
It itches on the surface.
Scribbled and faded
By the frequent attention of her eyes.
She reads it too much.
Her eyes devour it,
like a familiar meal.
On occasions,
In the dark unknowns of the night,
It burns bright
And crisp
On the inside of her eyelids
And would appear,
All too often,
To play in her dreams.
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
I like this. It has a really nice feel. I was unsure of the very opening at first "snow is flaking" but now it just sounds right.
One thing I would say is why so many full stops? Sometimes its not even a sentence. "A fleck of it. A chipping." for example. Just use a comma.
But overall I am impressed. Its a really nice portrayal.
this is really cool the image is great. I know we're not meant to know whats on the paper, and thats part of the mystery and all that, but I STILL REALLY WANNA KNOW.
I kind of disagree with that.
I actually quite like the hazy image.
It's all very abstract, ethereal and unsure.
I think that's what makes it beautiful.
You have a lovely vocabulary and the adjectives you use work amazingly well together.
There is such a wonderful flow in this poem,
I think the only think you could do to improve would be to include a bit more of the storyline?
Maybe one character?
It can still be abstract and unrealistic to a point, but it would give the poem more depth.
The structure of it is superb, I might add.
You've written this brilliantly and it has a great deal of potential.
I would love to see the story you've adapted this to.
Keep Writing!
Good Luck!
Sarah
xxx
I would say that this is quite a good poem, but i didnt get the meaning very much. Try forming a clearer 'image' next time so it can give the reader the feeling that he/she is not reading something senseless.
However, I don't mean that this is a bad poem. It clearly has potential. Try improving it a bit.
Good luck and keep writing!!
I really like this. Your description, if slightly overused, is good. A couple of things:
You introduce the character's name halfway through the poem, and this threw me a little. Perhaps it would make more sense to not mention a name at all, or to mention it from the beginning.
"It’s pathetically brown.
It’s aged against the snow."
--I would take the second "it" out here, it's a little repetitive. Perhaps change it for "and", or just leave it out completely.
There are two r's in blurring.
Overall, I liked this poem, although I'm not completely sure what it's all about - why is there blood, etc. It is ever so slightly inconclusive, but I like it all the same. Keep writing!
k guys, this was simply scribbled in a pensive moment, so don't take it to be anything proffessional - it was literally just a thought. But criticism is (almost) always helpful and, even if i decide not to take this one further, can be applied to other work. So, please, scrutinise away!
By the way, this is an important scene with a character of mine from an unfinished story.