Young Writers Society

Hey Charizard,

Nice to see you again.

So basically I think what's going on in this is that you're a bit too out of syncopation with reality. In my experience with songs they usually work because we have some sort of action that will draw us through the hook and keep us coming back. If we look at popular songs right now like "Cheerleader" then it's the guy telling the girls that they aren't good enough to make him cheat on his girlfriend. If we go back a ways to Queen, "We Will Rock You" is titled what they will do. They have that in common. Even in folk music it's drawing us back in with some sort of action hook.

I think why that is, is because an action, something that you're doing is going to be more memorable than something you say. It's sort of like the difference between Aesop's fable about the scorpion and the fox, and telling someone "People don't change" You're going to remember a story about a scorpion killing a fox who was helping him across a lake [thus killing himself] because he doesn't change over someone telling you "people don't change." Same thing here. If you give us a song that has an action, it's going to be more memorable than a poem that does not.

In brief, actions speak louder than words, show don't tell, create exact details about a situation that you're showing to us and we'll be better equipped to empathise with the situation as well as understand it, see it, remember it and believe it.

In this one you could improve it without rewriting it by taking away all of the conjunctions like "and" because they're sort of getting in the way. The singer can cover that up just because it's a melody. No need to keep it and weaken your points.

I hope this helps. It might be old hat to you by now since this was back in January, but I appreciate having something to review <3

Aley

Love this Lyrical Poetry!! Very well done XD

Hello!
I just wanted to say first off that I absolutely loved this! I see so many poems about depression and anxiety, that I found this poem filled with so much positivity very refreshing, haha. It flowed and it has a great rhythm, and the overall message is very beautiful! People do tend to see the more negative things in life before the positive, but this poem helps clear the clouds in their eyes. Very well done! I hope to read more of your work!

~Owl

Hello I really really loved this Lyrical Poetry! I can already hear the soft acoustic guitar strumming along and these 'lyrics' feel raw and have so many emotions behind them so it will be a perfect fit. That is if you intended it to be a song. :p
The flow is so so so good, it doesn't feel forced and the verse which you repeat is incredible.
I love how you keep hings realistic with mentioning the dark side of the world and the days which feel like they're never going to get better. But you perfectly contrast it with the certainty that when darkness falls, there will soon be sunrise. And I love it so much.
Thank you for sharing this

Dear Charizard,
I must say that this poem, just changed my mood for the day. My car was just repossessed, and I was losing faith in the people of this world. However, the way this poem was written ripped my heart apart. The way you went back and forth between the ups and downs of every day. I'm honestly very impressed with your work. Yet, extremely surprised that you were able to put the matter of life into words being that you are fourteen and a giant orange Japanese dragon. Can you please send me this poem at dogboyoops@yahoo.com I wish to turn it into an inspiration picture, frame it, and hang it in my apartment. If so what do you want me to put for your signature.

Sincerely The Truth.

This was absolutely lovely to read, thank you for that! I think with the right instrumentals this would be a song that would be quite popular among certain people. I loved how consistent this work is, I could never create a poem this long and have it be the same good quality all the way through. Apart from the excessive commas (which is just a matter of preference really!) I don't think there's much to improve with this. Please do write more, this poem made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

Oh lyrical poetry. How you fuel the world.

I really enjoyed reading this. Everything was rhythmically coherent. I loved the juxtaposition between the struggles and the promise of a new day. I could relate. I think many can relate. In terms of grammar and such, you may have gone a bit comma-happy. It's up to you on your preference of structure but since it is a poem, you could drop many of the commas. The commas are needed for two things: to follow grammar rules and create pauses. I see you followed the grammar rules, however; it's a poem. They often interrupt the flow of the lyrics. That is just me though. Do as you wish; I'm sure it will be great.

Best wishes,
Em