A single grey white braid ran the length down her spine. Twisted to the very tip and then suffocated with a green rubber band stolen from a broccoli branch. She moved with grace long gone, and wore puffy coats to keep her angular bones from springing out against her leather skin. Her smile was forced and flat.
I would have thought her an absolute bore, as I often did, if it were not for the way music came to her. She wandered cold winter alone. I do not know where she went, but strange hours woke me with sweaty nightmares and I could hear her longing melodies through jagged cracks in the window.
Thinking that beauty was hereditary, the next morning I asked her to teach me how to play. She grinned something a little different then, and I imagined her stale lips cracking and floating to the ground. She pulled out a dark piano bench, and gestured with her branch-like fingers for me to seat myself. I did, and the legs wobbled beneath my hand-sewed skirt so I clutched the lid and pinched my fingers pink.
She floated to the peeling linoleum kitchen and I heard the squeaky facet and running water. My eyes glued to a dusty portrait of mountain frontier hanging above the piano, I didn’t turn before she was at my side again with a damp rag. She placed it on my fingers and the rancid smell engulfed me, fading my curiosity of music to a pale green. With a flat smile once again bordering her wispy face, she sternly told me to play. I pressed down against the keys I could not see, and they resisted something awful. The notes that tottered from the grand lungs of this instrument were not the melancholy melody I had yearned to hear. Yet I continued this way for hours. Her shadow hung over me in a persistent pressure, and I was beginning to crumble inside.
With a child-like naivety, I tossed the cold wet cloth to the floor and made my way from her living room. I pulled against the stitches of my skirt until they came undone, and ran from her house in this barren potato field. At the edges of this field bordered a fence of poplars and willows. I flung myself between twigs and leaves, and there I hid until the sky pulled out its velvet cloak.
Hello! Wow, what to say. So, I thought it was an interesting piece. It was different, in that it read more like poetry (in my mind) than it did prose.
But therein also lies a few issues. I'm beta'ing this though, and so I only wish to leave a few nit-picks and suggestions. I honestly hope you don't resent me for anything that I say. I promise I'm not trying to be mean. Haha I just believe in all types of growth, and how better to grow as a writer than through some good constructive criticism, yes?(:
Now, down to business:
1. Although I do appreciate the detail and visions presented, this work was fairly fragment as well as run-on sentence-heavy. I felt that those things took away, somewhat, from the images you were trying to convey. (i.e. "Twisted to the very tip and then suffocated with a green rubber band stolen from a broccoli branch," or a run-on: "My eyes glued to a dusty portrait of mountain frontier hanging above the piano, I didn’t turn before she was at my side again with a damp rag.")
2. Just for reading/flow purposes, might I suggest word or phrase rearrangements, as well as punctuation use? (i.e. Instead of saying "A single grey white braid ran the length down her spine," I think the following would make a little more sense to the reader: "A single, grey-white braid ran down the length of her spine.")
I don't want to go any deeper with critiques just in case I've already unintentionally managed to insult or offend you, and you now want to claw my eyes out. Haha
But if you want any further explanations or have any comments/questions, I promise I don't bite! Haha And my virtual door is always open. Drop a message in my box or on my wall or something.
xo gummies
*I'm NOT beta'ing this though, and so...
Oy. I'm so sorry. Of all things to mistype... That
Hey CharityDawn!
I think this is really nicely written. I get frustrated with short stories because I feel like I'm missing something but that's just me haha. It's really nice though. The only problem I had with it is this:
hand-sewed
I think it should be hand-sown?
I'm not sure but that sounds better to me. Anyways really good writing!
Hey CharityDawn!
I think this is really nicely written. I get frustrated with short stories because I feel like I'm missing something but that's just me haha. It's really nice though. The only problem I had with it is this:
hand-sewed
I think it should be hand-sown?
I'm not sure but that sounds better to me. Anyways really good writing!