Published June 2, 2016
“You’re back!” a small toy cried out with joy, jumping up and down on my bed.
“Just like yesterday, and the day before Zoen.” I told him in a annoyed tone. Despite how I sounded, I was kind of happy to see him. He had... grown on me this past week. Once I dropped my backpack onto the carpet, I strode over to the plush.
“Did you stay hidden like I told you to?”
“Yes, but not that it matters.”
“I know, but it helps me keep my sanity if you do.” I sighed, returning to my backpack and unpacking my homework. I laid the numerous sheets on my desk. I fished around for a pencil, then plopped down in my chair with a sigh. I felt a small body climb up my leg and sit on my lap.
“What’s this?” he asked, tentatively touching my homework.
“The same homework I do every night.” I told him before leaning over to continue my math problem.
“Why?” he asked, interrupting me again.
“Why do I do it?” The plush nodded.
“Because I have no choice. I have to finish school if I want to go to college, and I have to go to college if I want a good job and- Ugh.” I let out a sigh of frustration at the long problem.
“That’s just how life is here Zoen.”
“You need a break.” The fox told me suddenly.
“But I’ve only just start...ed…” My words slurred slightly together as the toy gave me another hug. The strange energy filled me again. It was stronger than last time. I felt my will slipping away as I slowly stood.
“You’re right. I do need a break.” I found myself saying. The fox released me.
“Let’s go outside!” Zoen encouraged me. I nodded. Outside sounded really good right now.
I placed the fox on my shoulder and hurried down the steps. I brushed past my little sister who was holding out some sort of project to me. I slowed down and looked over my sholder to see the hurt look on her face.
“Zoen I gotta go back! I always look at her-” I felt a soft paw on my head.
I needed to go outside. Erin could wait.
I turned back around and rushed out of the door with renewed speed.
To the forest.
I raced towards the backyard, bursting into the unknown sea of trees. I ran faster and faster traveling deeper into the woods. I felt no sense of time beneath the canopy of the forest. At last I escaped from the trees and tumbled into a park.
I stopped instantly as my eye widened in shock.
This park was miles away from my house.
How did I-
"Ah! I've never seen this place before!" I heard Zoen exclaim, somehow still perched on my shoulder. I hastily slipped him into my jacket pocket as I walked towards the center of the park.
"Oi... what am I doing here Zoen? I might as well head back home."
The fox popped his head out of my pocket it shook it violently.
"Just a minute... that shop across the street, see that book?"
I didn't think I would be able to see what he was talking about from this distance, but I followed his gaze anyway. To my surprise, I could indeed see the book.
I blinked a few times but the image remained clear.
"Yeah..." I replied slowly, "What about it?"
"I recognize it... Could we go closer?"
I nodded faintly and crossed the street. Zoen stared at the book a little bit longer before remarking,
"It's not from this part of town, is it?"
"I don't think so," I replied. "It looks like it's from the magic side."
I took a few steps back.
"I'm not supposed to bother with that stuff. My father doesn't allow it." I stated.
I felt something slip from me, and I turned away from the book.
"We're going home."
With every defiant word, I felt my sense returning.
"Fine." I heard Zoen remark irritably.
I felt something tug at me, trying to turn me around, but I pushed it away.
I refused to get entangled with magic...
I looked down at Zoen with a sigh.
Any more than I have to.
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139,940 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review. I'm sorry, I haven't read previous parts, but I'll try to be helpful anyway.
So, I'm already pretty interested in this just from what I've read right here. I love magic and talking animals/toys and that sort of thing. What really interested me, though was the way you were describing what happens when Zoen touches him. It really does seem like Zoen has some sort of control over him - you did a good job of showing that with the incident with his sister - and I think it's really ominous. If that's foreshadowing, you're doing a good job. Though it is good to see he can stop himself if he really needs to.
Something that I think could be improved a bit is your pacing. From when he leaves his house after the incident with his sister, to when he finds the magical shop and decided to leave, it just all felt a bit too fast. I think a good part of it is the lack of setting description. I don't really know what part of town he's in, or what the street or the shop looks like. All it really said was that there is a park and a shop with a book.
I was also kind of confused as to whether the shop itself is magical, or just the book he sees inside of it.
Finally, how does he know the park is miles away from his house if he's never seen it before? That was a bit jarring and didn't make much sense.
The only other thing I noticed was that occasionally you forgot a few commas here and there, which isn't too big of a deal. Good job with this! Good luck and keep writing!
Setting description. Ugh. I'm horrible at that. It would help with slowing down my story though, like you mentioned. I'll try to add some more in this chapter and definitely in the next. Thanks for the review!
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
Just so you know, I haven't read the previous chapters, but I will do my best to give you a helpful review.
I thought the premise was interesting and unique, and I was able to pick right up in the middle and know what was going on, despite not having read the previous chapters, which is great!
Now, onto some nitpicks:
For all three of these sentences, there should be a comma before "Zoen".
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Whenever a sentence of dialogue ends with a "he said" after it (or a variation there of), it should be a comma, not a period. For example:
It should be '"You need a break," the fox told me suddenly.'
Anytime it's not a name directly after (Example: he said, the fox told me, a man replied) it should be lowercase, even if the dialogue sentence ends with an exclamation point or question mark.
--
I noticed that a lot of your sentences start with "I". This can be really difficult to get around (I have trouble with it, too), but sometimes there are ways of varying the sentences structure a bit to make it a bit less repetitive. For example:
Perhaps instead of saying, "I felt no sense of time beneath the canopy of the forest." It could say something like, "Beneath the canopy of the forest, it was as if time didn't exist."
Or instead of saying "I ran faster and faster, traveling deeper into the woods." It could say something like, "Running faster and faster, my feet took me deeper into the woods."
Sometimes, to make it sound a little less repetitive, you don't even need to remove an "I", but simply change the structure of the sentence. For example:
Could be slightly altered to, "I raced towards the backyard, bursting into the unknown sea of trees. Running faster and faster, I traveled deeper into the woods.
Those are definitely just examples to give you an idea of the kinds of "varying in sentence structure" I'm talking about. Definitely up to you whether you change any of the sentences, or what to change them to.
--
Okay, that's it for the nitpicks! I liked the characters personalities, and thought it was awesome that the stuffed animal was a fox! The magical elements were awesome, and the fox giving the main character special powers, like running fast and enhanced vision, was awesome. Very creative!
It was also really intriguing that Zoen seemed to have some kind of control over the main character, and I could see that going down some very interesting paths! Overall, this is well written and I enjoyed reading it! Hopefully I will be able to get to the first two chapters soon. Have a wonderful day, and keep writing!
-Lefty
I never even noticed I used "I" so much! Thank you for the review! XD
Hi!, Im here to do a review. Feel free to tell me if i did something wrong.
So lets get right into it then!.
"He had...grown on me this past week."
Quick insight you should have spaced the ... between the " had " and " grown" to fully give the reader that the character is pausing.
“I know. But it helps me keep my sanity if you do.” I sighed,"
The . after " know " should have been a comma and there should have been a . after " sighed"
But so far i am liking the story. It has a nice colorful tone to it that most supernatural works don't have.
"I raced towards the backyard, bursting into the unknown sea of trees. I ran faster and faster traveling deeper into the woods. I felt no sense of time beneath the canopy of the forest. At last I burst from the trees into a park. I stopped instantly. This park was miles away from my house. How did I-"
This whole paragraph felt all jumbled and connected in all the wrong places. For example "forest. At last I burst" the huge space between the . and the next word is too far apart so next time make it closer. "At last I burst from the trees into a park. I stopped instantly. This park was miles" The full stops in the " i stopped instantly" did not have to be there it could have been a comma and would have stopped all the short sentences and to make a long and intriguing sentence.
"Ah! I've never seen this place before!" I heard Zoen exclaim, somehow still perched on my shoulder. I slipped him into my pocket as I walked towards the center of the park."
Zoem seems too cute to be true and how big is that pocket how could you fit a fox into a regular sized pocket, it keeps me guessing and guessing, i love it.
"Fine." I heard Zoen remark irritably."
The full stop before the speech mark was irrelevant it should have came before the speech mark.
My final thoughts to this chapter/shortstory is that it had a few grammatical mistakes and errors down the way but it had a strong idea and you focused on that idea so i cant fault you on that. So good luck on your other projects give me a shout out if you ever need a review!.
Thank you for reviewing! This chapter wasn't polished as well as the others so thanks again for finding all my errors.