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Jolted

by Chappiez


     The sound of boots echoed against the floor. Three people strode obliviously under the beam we were perched on. I watched as they started to unpack their technology, ready to steal every scrap of information from this site. My eyes flicked to the person on my right. He seemed ready. His pale green eyes continued to watch the intruders. I looked to the left, and connected eyes with another person. I could see the reluctance. There was no time for that. We had a mission. I activated my mask. Looking back towards the intruders, I gave the signal, and the three of us leapt off the beam.

Our enemies whirled around in surprise. One of them pulled out a gun and aimed it directly at us. As we continued to advance, he fired. But the bullet never made it. It resounded off an orange shield that now covered the three of us. The Struck agents must have decided that now was a good time to run. But they only ignited the fight. I leapt out of the safety of the shield and attacked the agent closest to me. I shot my hand forward. Gold strands flowed from it, wrapping around the man’s ankles. He screamed and struggled as he was yanked up. I let him dangle in midair for a moment before flinging him aside. He crashed into the wall before fumbling with a gun. I glanced to my right. He was fighting his own agent, but I knew he wouldn't fail me. 

The sound of a gun fired caused my head to snap back to my attacker. An orange shield formed faithfully around be just in time. It dissipated as I started to run towards the man, sending out my strands and yanking his gun from his grip. I delivered a strong punch that sent him back into the wall. I waited a moment to see what his next move would be.

He staggered to his feet once more and tried to fight back. A slow punch was thrown my way, but I easily dodged it and delivered several more of my own. He lay stunned on the floor at last. But our mission wasn't stunned. Our mission was dead. I pulled out my weapon at last, a sword. I took a deep breath before driving it into his head. I pulled it out quickly. Blood slid off it automatically, leaving it just as clean as before.

My first kill.

I shook my head before sheathing my sword and heading back towards the other two. I caused my mask to retract as I approached them, seeing as they'd already done the same. 

"Was that all of them?" I asked immediately, looking around me. 

Ethel nodded. I glanced to my left to see another body, completely lifeless. I looked back at him.

"Alright then. Warn me next time you're going to delay your shields though." I said with a small smile.

He returned the smile before speaking.

“How about you try to focus on your first real combat while shielding yourself, and your helpless brothers at the same time?”

I turned to Elliot, he hadn’t said a word the entire time. Come to think of it, I only saw two bodies…

No.

“You finished your mission. Right?”  I asked, turning my gaze towards him.

His eyes flicked to my own.

“No, I didn’t kill an innocent person,” he spat out.

I let out a sigh before glaring at him.

“So you let them escape?” I snapped.

“I couldn’t do it Lyle, you’ve got to understand how wrong all of this is!” he retorted.

I reached out and pulled back his sleeve to reveal a thin, silver band. All three of us had one.

“What choice do we have?” I spoke quietly.

He didn’t reply as he yanked his arm away.

“Come on,” I sighed. “Let’s just get back before our time runs out."


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Sun Sep 11, 2016 6:44 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

The title of this chapter caught my attention and decided to just check it out. What I like about the beginning is you first start off with action. This can give the reader something to look forward to. It holds the right amount of imagery and not too much that can overdose the reader. Though, I do like the beginning, there is something I like to mention.

The sound of boots resounded against the floor. Three people walked in, cautiously.


"Resounded" doesn't sound like the correct verb for this sentence. I like "echoed" or something similar and the next sentence doesn't feel quite right when it is by itself so perhaps have it connected to the next sentence by a comma.

The action apart feels a bit flushed; what I mean by it doesn't escalate quickly enough for it to actually be an action part. Though, this is the beginning of the supposed action part, you do make a nice recovery. When the MC first kills the man, I think that was the rising point of this chapter.

It dissipated as started to run towards the man, sending out my strands and yanking his gun from his grip.


Would there be an "I" in front of started?

"Alright then. Warn me next the you're going to delay your shields though." I said with a small smile.


An easy mistake I noticed in here would be "the" should be "time".

He returned it before speaking.


What did he return? I don't think you mentioned what he did do beforehand so I'm a bit confused by that.

As a suggestion, re-read over your writing. You can find errors before you publish it like missing adverbs or wrong use of verbs.

The ending is suspenseful and I want to know what is going to happen. What is the mission they had to complete? I think you might explain more onto this later on but you should give hints along the way, as the novel progresses. If you publish another chapter, could you let me know? Thanks!

Overall, this was an enjoyable read. Your dialogue was a bit slow at first but, much like the action part, you moved up. If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




Chappiez says...


It's amazing what another set of eyes can do. Ugh! So many typos! And I read over multiple times! Thanks though! I'll definitely try to fix the things you pointed out. :) I'm glad you liked it! I'll be sure to give you a heads up for the next part. XD



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Sun Sep 11, 2016 4:03 pm
inspirus wrote a review...



Hi Chappiez,

First of all, I have to say that this was one epic short story! I totally loved the action in this scene, and the quality of the description that made it all come together. Everything flowed quite seamlessly, with each word written thoughtful enough to fend away the monotony that would have otherwise plagued your narration. This is quite commendable , really, because action scenes tend to be really tricky to pull off.

Your grammar was clean enough to escape any noticeable mishaps, and that's truly what's needed to afford your great piece of creativity the attention it deserves.

This is really good work. The trick, though, would be to keep quality consistent if, say, you wanted the story to continue in the form of a short novel of sorts. Which is what this piece felt like: the part of a really exciting novel.

Kudos!




Chappiez says...


Thanks! Oh my goodness, this is such high praise for this little snippet. XD I hope I can keep the quality up, since I do plan on adding more to this story. Thanks again for reviewing!




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo