CONCEPT (feedback needed)

This is by no means a full fledged story (yet) nor do I intend it to be. This is nothing but a concept for the story i want to write. I am aware of the bad grammar and the other problems in the text, I fully intend on fixing those later. The only reason im posting this here is because I want some feedback and advice, my writing is a little rusty so id just like some advice, and maybe some words on where I could do next. Thanks to whoever reads and/or reviews this.

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I woke up to the sound of the ship’s alarms blaring in my ears, the red emergency lights creating an air of urgency that cleared my mind immediately. I could hear shouting in the corridor, and faint explosions farther off. Everyone in the quarters were awake by the time our commanding officer burst through the door, a look of controlled fear in his eyes.

”Gear up, they’ve breached the hull,” he commanded.

The room went silent for a half second, the air grew cold, we all knew what that meant. Enemy Ship Crackers had breached the hull, spilling thousands of grunts into her belly as we stand here. After snapping out of it my platoon quickly got prepared for a fight. We all knew we would die, few ships survive a boarding, but we all would fight until the last man, hopefully giving the ship enough time to evacuate all non military personnel. We poured into the halls, the man on my right immediately getting peppered by small caliber kinetic rounds. We all took cover in the various niches in the walls of the ship as the enemy sprayed bullets and laser bolts into our position. After a minute, the barrage broke and I took that moment to flip a switch on my rifle, aim it centermass at the nearest enemy soldier, and fire. The shell hit him directly in the center of his black Ionite chest plate, the first charge blasting a hole in the armor, propelling the second forward which would burrow about an inch into his chest, and then explode. The walls were painted red with blood, shrapnel from his armor flying into his comrades. 4 of them go down, slipping in the blood and guts on the floor, one of them screaming, clutching his leg after a large piece of Ionite burrows deep into his leg, likely shattering his femur. I chamber another armor piercing shell immediately after i take the shot, aiming at another soldier when an explosion goes off to my left. 3 of my comrades are killed instantly as a Ship Cracker burrows through the wall across from me and through the other side mere feet from where i stood, metal plates slamming shut behind us to keep the air form leaking into space. A long piece of metal burrowed into my thigh, smaller, faster pellets peppering the rest of my body. I shout out in pain, dropping my rifle to apply pressure to the wound on my thigh which is gushing blood. “Fuck,” i say, “tore through an artery.”:

 The enemy soldiers use the distraction to their advantage charging down the hall, pulling out Phas-Knifes and small arms to finish off the wounded as the rest of my platoon falls back deeper into the hall. I close my eyes as the ship starts to rumble, falling into the atmosphere of Xenia, not because it was shot down, if that had happened it would stay in orbit for eternity. No, command was scuttling the ship, dooming the millions of humans, imperials and federalist alike to be torn apart by the high gravity and brutal storms of the gas giant.

…..

 It’s bright in the sky tonight, bright and beautiful as streaks of burning metal and plasma streak the mighty surface of the Xenia, the mighty giant my home orbits. In the far off distance i can see the explosions of the ongoing battle, massive 10 megaton nuclear bombs peppering the night sky as thousands of miles long ships battle to the death in the orbit of the Empire’s most important trade port. I could see red, blue, and orange streaks lining Xenia as ships scuttle themselves in it’s atmosphere. The Empire cares more about its tech then its people it would seem. I’m watching the light show from the roof of a 10 mile high skyscraper, in the largest city, on the most populous trade world in the galaxy, 14 trillion people crammed into the 37 levels of city below me, stuffed onto a moon half the size of Earth. My respirator hissing and clicking as it takes in oxygen, my magnetic boots whirring as i jam a screwdriver into a panel on the side of the building. I pull the panel open, locating the severed wire and soddering it back together with my multipurpose repair tool. I weld the plate back on and turn on my comms. “Last one boss, you can light it up,” I say into the mic near my mouth. Just a few seconds later the entire skyscraper lights up, bright as an angel coming down from heaven, i can already here the radio chatter and the interference on my comms as the communications relay immediately resumes operation. After packing up all my tools, i take a deep breath and disengage the magnetic couplers on my boots, plunging myself straight towards the moon’s surface 10 miles down. 

 My comms come on line again, “really Nic? Moonfall again?” Asked my boss, Ron, “your gonna die one of these days kid.”

 “not today Ronny,” i reply with a smirk as i reverse the polarity of my boots. They shake and whir violently, struggling to fight terminal velocity. My left boot sparks, starting to smoke, “well shit,” I hiss. With a flip of a switch and a turn of a small knob on my belt i reroute the power from the respirator to my right boot, taking one last gulp of oxygen before the feed on my mask goes dark. The right boot starts whirring even louder, shouting, begging me to give it a break. 2 miles up now, i start to slow, just barely as the boots start to feel the steel streets below. The power cells on my left boot pop one by one as it sputters out, leaving me with just the one. The imbalance makes it harder to stay steady, but I manage, staying straight for the next mile and a half. At this point I am slowing rapidly as the boots get closer to the moon sized chunk of steel. About 4 feet off the ground i deactivate my boots so that I don’t get thrown upward and roll onto the street. “See?” I pant, gulping air into my lungs.