This is for Rob
Two hearts, One Love
Two hearts become one,
Two souls entwine,
Two lives unite,
In love we are strong,
We'll live to see another day,
We'll help others find their way,
Like we found ours, when we found each other,
There is no 'I', only 'Us'.
I decided to add some punctuation, after several people suggested I do so. I'm not going to change the only two lines which rhyme. I know everyone thinks I should, but meh.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i loved it
it was beautiful, love may not always be cheerie but you captured one of the finer moments of it and held on tight
bravo
Dear Chantel:
Don't get offended.
Don't compain.
Re: "Wow. So much negative feedback. I can't help feeling that these comments are a personal attack on me. I don't get offended too easily, but this time, it's hard not to."
The people who read and commented on this gave enough of a hoot to approach it as an attempt at serious poetry--how is this, in any way, indicative of personal attack?
The fact is that it isn't work of the quality that garners supportive comments at the YWS. If you want a place that thinks you're wonderful, and if you're looking for soothing words, there's no point in your posting here any further.
Take care,
Brad
Wow. So much negative feedback. I can't help feeling that these comments are a personal attack on me. I don't get offended too easily, but this time, it's hard not to.
It's just kind of....boring. Like previously stated...it's cliche. It's just so...blah. I almost feel like I've read this exact thing somewhere else. [But...this is the hard part of poetry: being original. I struggle with it too. You write what you know+what you've read...so it often turns out this way.]
It's "cute"...don't get me wrong. But I just don't think it's something that is going to turn any heads.
I like the thought behind it, but agree with the others: it needs punctuation, and either all or none of it should be rhyming.
I don't like the parts that are underlined. The repetition the cliche.
But I like the idea and the concept. xxx lexy xxx
Chantel--
This is about as poor as anything I've seen posted here.
Physically:
It begins with absent meter and quickly abandons that.
Punctuation is erratic throughout.
The language overall is proasic, with many instances of statements that, I assume, were meant to be profound. Even the roughest draft should show better attention to voice.
Content: I'm guessing from the title that you meant this to be regarded as fragments (sunscripts) of a larger (but unseen) lovers' knot. It's an interesting idea, but there is nothing in these scripts that generates any interest in what the larger text might be. A significant problem in this regard is that the narrative link along the two paths of the "theme" - a deep love, and some off-the-wall altruism - seem unconnected in any meaningful way.
The overall effect is that of nonsense and an absence of craft.
My advice is to forget you wrote this. I'll do my part on the other side of the equation.
Best,
Brad
That was really sweet.
Poem was really meaningful,I wish there was more of it.
Umm..puntuations would have helped.
Hmm, in general this poem seems sort of clichéd to me. Alot of the phrases, like 'Two souls entwine' or 'Two hearts become one' in specific felt rather clichéd.
Also, you have two lines that rhyme: 'We'll live to see another day, We'll help others find their way', and nothing else in the poem does. If you want to use rhyme, then it should be in the whole poem, not just part of it.
Sorry if this review seems sort of negative, but perhaps if you fix those things it could be a really good poem.