Two Hearts, One Love

i loved it
it was beautiful, love may not always be cheerie but you captured one of the finer moments of it and held on tight
bravo

Dear Chantel:


Don't get offended.

Don't compain.

Re: "Wow. So much negative feedback. I can't help feeling that these comments are a personal attack on me. I don't get offended too easily, but this time, it's hard not to."

The people who read and commented on this gave enough of a hoot to approach it as an attempt at serious poetry--how is this, in any way, indicative of personal attack?

The fact is that it isn't work of the quality that garners supportive comments at the YWS. If you want a place that thinks you're wonderful, and if you're looking for soothing words, there's no point in your posting here any further.


Take care,
Brad

Wow. So much negative feedback. I can't help feeling that these comments are a personal attack on me. I don't get offended too easily, but this time, it's hard not to.

It's just kind of....boring. Like previously stated...it's cliche. It's just so...blah. I almost feel like I've read this exact thing somewhere else. [But...this is the hard part of poetry: being original. I struggle with it too. You write what you know+what you've read...so it often turns out this way.]

It's "cute"...don't get me wrong. But I just don't think it's something that is going to turn any heads.

I like the thought behind it, but agree with the others: it needs punctuation, and either all or none of it should be rhyming.

Chantel wrote:This is for Rob

Two hearts, One Love

Two hearts become one
Two souls entwine
Two lives unite
In love we are strong
We'll live to see another day
We'll help others find their way
Like we found ours, when we found each other
There is no 'I', only 'Us'

Chantel--


This is about as poor as anything I've seen posted here.

Physically:
It begins with absent meter and quickly abandons that.
Punctuation is erratic throughout.
The language overall is proasic, with many instances of statements that, I assume, were meant to be profound. Even the roughest draft should show better attention to voice.

Content: I'm guessing from the title that you meant this to be regarded as fragments (sunscripts) of a larger (but unseen) lovers' knot. It's an interesting idea, but there is nothing in these scripts that generates any interest in what the larger text might be. A significant problem in this regard is that the narrative link along the two paths of the "theme" - a deep love, and some off-the-wall altruism - seem unconnected in any meaningful way.

The overall effect is that of nonsense and an absence of craft.

My advice is to forget you wrote this. I'll do my part on the other side of the equation.


Best,
Brad

That was really sweet.

Poem was really meaningful,I wish there was more of it.

Umm..puntuations would have helped.

Hmm, in general this poem seems sort of clichéd to me. Alot of the phrases, like 'Two souls entwine' or 'Two hearts become one' in specific felt rather clichéd.

Also, you have two lines that rhyme: 'We'll live to see another day, We'll help others find their way', and nothing else in the poem does. If you want to use rhyme, then it should be in the whole poem, not just part of it.

Sorry if this review seems sort of negative, but perhaps if you fix those things it could be a really good poem.