Published November 9, 2006
something is going to happen soon.
i wait for it on the street corner,
smoking cigarettes. trying to blow
smoke rings. letting my fingers go numb.
it's funny how aware i become of you
when i know you're going to kiss me.
without touching me or looking
in my direction, i feel your presence.
and you know - the way you bite my upper lip?
and how i feel about the way your hands look
when you rub your cheek
and your gold ring glints in the moonlight?
well, anyway.
when i think of you i kiss
the skin on the palm of my hand
and i pretend it's a kiss from you,
a kiss to keep.
something is going to happen soon.
i am waiting for it, on my street corner.
i am watching the white moon grow and fatten,
letting my fingers go numb.
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i liked this poem because the narrator seems like an interesting character, who has her own way of seeing things; it kind of reminds me of a sharon creech book, or lily in the secret life of bees, if you're familiar with either of those. very nice imagery, i love the way the moon fattens at the end.
OK, I've noticed a few things. First of all... your line breaks are a little funky. When you make a line break, you need to consider how much the breaks are going to confuse the reader and whether or not it sends the right message. Your lines don't have to be as short as they are.
I like this poem because it steps away from teen angst crap, and is actually original. However, there are some lines I recommend you lose:
"without touching me or looking
in my direction, i feel your presence."
"a kiss to keep."
Those lines are fluffy and we gather the same from what you've already said. In those lines, you're just taking up space.
Anyway, happy revising!