Published September 12, 2005
I like how pink eyeshadow
looks under flashing green lights
and I like how it feels to be seen.
Nothing has ever made me feel so
Alive
as strange, soft hands
on the small of my back.
Memories of the bittersweet taste
of dying summer nights
and the scent of vanilla perfume
flotaing down dark streets
make my hands shiver
with anticipation.
I like dancing on empty streets
and crowded rooms -
bodyagainstwarmbody -
equally and I like to talk
to beautiful strangers
and see if they can change me.
Maybe I'm too young to sit
on beer soaked steps
and watch the night bleed
violently into day
but nothing has ever made me feel so
Alive
as being free to wander cobbled streets
when all the others chose smooth marble halls.[pre][/pre]
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,422 Reviews
This is a great poem! It really captures something, an experience. I think the innocence is really key to the way it works.
I love the line 'I like how it feels to be seen'. It rings true - it's part of the fun and thrill sixteen year-olds get out of going out. The way you isolate 'Alive' is really powerful, too.
The only thing I would say against it is that I agree that 'equally' seems out of place and slightly awkward. That's only a small thing though!
I like how much DETAIL you put in, I can't exactly relate, because whenever I go to a party, it sucks. I agree with the girlwhofateloves, I think you probably should make it a bit darker, it's about some pretty serious stuff. Other than that,
it's good.
Like it. Needs a bit of tweaking maybe, but I like the innocence. BUT to make the so-called innocence more effective, I think you need to make the overall poem just a little bit darker.
That's what I'd do. But I like dark poems, so I'm biased anyway lol.
But all in all, it's pretty good.
Mmmm...well, I liked it, but it kinda felt pointless to me, you know? Maybe I'm not connecting properly since I never was what you'd call a social person at sixteen, but - yeah. I kinda felt there wasnt much of a rhyme or reason. The ending would have a lot more punch if it *meant* something. Just my two cents.
I have to agree with xanthan gum... I absolutely loved that last stanza. Really fantastic. *gives a thumbs up*
I loved this stanza:
That was the PERFECT ending. And the meaning in the poem was lovely. All in all, I enjoyed it. I was sorta hoping it was longer but that'd probably ruin the whole thing.
"Maybe I'm too young to sit
on beer soaked steps
and watch the night bleed
violently into day"
Oooohhh, shivers! Very very nice image. Perhaps the best I've seen yet on this site. And as a personal tip - young bodies often carry old minds... Read ENDER'S GAME by Orson Scott Card. One of the greatest books ever written.
Second stanza, fourth line, you spelled floating incorrectly. Your strongest moments are the second and fourth stanzas - try to construct the first and third similarly. Third stanza: "equally" seems out of place.
The choice between smooth marble walls and cobbled streets is a great image, however, you need to play it up earlier in the piece for it to have any impact whatsoever. Maybe put some reference earlier in the piece.
Otherwise, thank you, thank you, thank you for making this poem not another angsty piece of teeny-bopper crap.
You use details to paint your picture very well. I like how your voice remains innocent in tone ("I like"... "pink eyeshadow"...) but your situations are anything but. My favorite line was bodyagainstwarmbody -
Kudos.
This seemed like something that came straight of a Todd Strasser novel. It was very realistic, yet I wasn't really able to connect. Maybe because I've never been to a dance/club/party in my entire life. However, now that I have read it twice, it reminds me of a concert I went to recently except for the last stanza. Overall, not including how I personally feel about the poem, I think it's actually pretty good. I love the imagery. You didn't overdo it and with that imagery, you got your point across very well.