Published February 22, 2008
Your words lack substance.
I let them wash over me,
pass through me like white noise.
But, your kiss leaves me breathless.
The secret pink of your mouth,
the taste of nicotine and metal.
I have never been one to explore
caves or crevices - always afraid
of what I might find hidden,
afraid of what might attack.
But, with you the sense of danger
is alluring and I can't help
but press you against rough surfaces
and explore you. My hands are tourists
in strange lands, confused, amazed.
Words - yours, mine - are useless
in this foreign place. Just sounds here.
Just touch here.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
M'dear,
This has been floating around for awhile, but I finally found it to upload. If you have questions or can't read something tell me.
Ta,
Cal.
This is beautifully written.
I absolutely love the idea of caves as a metaphor for dark hidden secrets and your use of senses is powerful. I do agree with other reviewers that the brackets are jarring and somewhat redundant. Otherwise, great!
9/10
Hmm is this something to do with you've never really been a sexual person but like this person has kind of drawn you in and you're prepared to explore in ways you haven't explored a person in before? Possibly?
I really liked some of your word choice and imagery. It was clever yet too simple and wasn't overlayen with over the top vocabulary.
I didn't like the brackets. It ruined the flow. Change it to perhaps Words, yours and mines or even leave out the and.
I didn't really like the broken stanzas either. I didn't understand you had done this except to make it look neat?
But despite that I really, really like this poem (: Tis very good.
HI!
It was interesting, but kind of weird at the same time.
I think it would have been better if you had rhymed each line with the other, It might ahve interested more people.
I liked the fact that finally somebody has an interesting idea.
Here are a few qutes that I had a problem with:
[/quote] But your kiss leaves me breathless.
The secret pink of your mouth,
the taste of nicotine and metal.
Are you talking about an actual persone or a cave, because that's what your title says and I'm not sure what your talking.
[quote] the taste of nicotine and metal.
I also didn't reallly like this line, sorry. Again, are youtalking about a persono or a cave? I'm getting realy confused here.
(For some reason I can't copy and paste the lsat sentence...)
Well, I didn't understand the last sentence... didn't amke sense to me.
I think that you should edit it and post it again then i can review it again, okay?
shanan-cat!
I love the last stanza. Don't know why...
Love the imagery.
That's all I can say.
Love it.