Published February 9, 2009
i thought you would be The One
like they talk about in films and magazines
couldn't believe i had found you
down the road thought i'd have to
at least go to America but one day
there you were laughing by the barbeque
you had a steadiness i craved
"a rose is just a rose" your eyes
would say when i talked too long
about fairytales and it felt good
to be walking on hard ground
you had me firmly back down to earth
i was getting it all sorted out
your hand guiding me through crowds
your eyes carefully watching me
climb stairs cross roads talk to strangers
when the realisation hit -
not so much like a brick but like a stream
of pebbles one by one on to my head
a sharp pip pip pip against the skull -
i was already too far gone
you were never saving me or loving me
just trying to anchor me
when you left all i had were my feet
stuck in the ground and the knowledge
that roses are just roses after all
*
(I thought lack of punctuation worked better in this poem... Don't know how right I am, but I'm just glad to have written anything at all!)
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I also felt the lack of punctuation took away from the flow of the poem...it seemed stunted and unfinished without the professionality you'd find from capitalisation and what have you....
The poem in its entirity is ridden with cliches and therefore has a lot of stereotypical themes running through it...
Try and inject some individuality in to your work and people need to be able to remember it
I can't comment to much on much more of the grammatical poetry aspects as I'm far from an expert, but in terms of content, I unfortunately felt this needed something more original
I felt that the lack of punctuation interruptd the flow of the poem. When I realized that I had hit the end of a sentence I had to go back and reread the new part so that it made sense again. I don't think its necessary to end every line with a comma or period as some people do, but it would be helpful to know when to move on to the next thought. I liked the story behind the poem, and I especially like the imagery in the second to last stanza.