Published December 7, 2005
we go for a walk on an empty night.
i meet him under an oak tree.
the leaves are dying
under a golden light.
we sit on a cold brick wall.
he turns my worlds upside umop.
i try to guess what he'll say next
but i always get it wrong.
he twirls an orange in his hands.
the smooth skin bears
the imprint of his fingers.
in the dark, it looks like he plays with fire.
he walks me home.
the moon watches us closely,
a floating teardrop shining
in the starlight.
he kisses me like he is afraid i'll break.
his thumb pressed against my back.
somewhere a siren cries.
day threatens to invade the night.
alone i watch the sky
turn from black velvet to ballerina silk.
my skin, like the orange,
bears his imprint.
i know this boy
will blow my mind.
he'll light me up,
and leave before the last embers die.
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140,565 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
Chanson you're back! YAY! I missed you. So anyways...this is some really nice work. So I'm going to do a proper critique on it. Should have it to you by the end of the week. yay...FIRE! at first look my favorite part is the third stanza, just great imagery.
tata hon,
CL
i share common feelings. i loved the "umop" (though it took me a while to get it) and the imagery is absoltuely outstanding. the meaning of the poem shinging through loud and clear, and, personally, the fire was my favorite image.... there was no rhythm, but i enjoyed it nonetheless.
Wonderful imagery The DOWN bit was really clever and unique. nice work
wondreful. really well written it has a magicall effect.i loved this line very much-"day threatens to invade the night."this line was very thoughhtfully written.this poem reminds me of one i've been working on for some weeks!
Yeah, so the "upside umop" thing, that was incredibly original. Kudos to you for that.
I loved the romance in the story, and I really like the realistic addition, that idea of danger and anxiety. However, the boy seems to change his confidence halfway through the poem. He goes from being sure of himself, something of an egotistical boy, trying to impress whoever owns the point of view from which the poem is written, to being a shy and tentative sort of fellow.
That is all. Great poem, and the your style, that kind of simplistic device you used, that added to the emotional effect of the poem. Kudos times two.
that was very well written, i sorta understood it, but thats just me, it was good
Yeah that was cool. Although in that line is it supposed to be "worlds"? Or I thought it was a typo and should be "world." I dunno. Otherwise, great poem! I loved it!
Oh sow that's what that meant...!
I was wondering what umop meant!
That was very brilliantly planned! Oh so original! I loved that!
This was a very interesting poem...
Great job on this!
*steals umop*
Nice !!
I especially like this :
we sit on a cold brick wall.
he turns my worlds upside umop. down
That's really cool I like it !!