z

Young Writers Society



breathe in deeply and hold my gaze

by Chanson


here we are, falling apart.
apart from each other, ourselves.
your eyes are holes, begging me - daring me? -
we can't hold on (i can't let go).

the romance of this choking night.
too much starlight, too much moon,
too much black,too much us.

(you know, too much of nothing
burns like brandy in the soft depths of the throat?
and jealousy is like missing a step, the heart
F
all
ing through the body at a sickening speed).

(i love
you love
she loves
i fall [s]apart[/s] in love.)

this is it. The End, a beginning.
already under, trying to get over.
i wouldn't have believed i could hurt this way
i can't believe (you make) my hands shake this way.

this is Teenage Lust. static. fucked up. juvenile.
the cliches: cigarettes, first times, love songs
so very simple and scientifically explainable.

("hormones, just hormones" and "honey, you're
too young to know he's the One")
but enough to choke, to strangle, to screw (me) around -
falling out of love from this angle is harder then expected.

- love song, rap song, or poetry?

(i love
you love
she loves
i fall [s]in love[/s] apart.)


- look away. exhale.

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User avatar
8 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 8

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Sun Nov 26, 2006 9:17 pm
fanatic_dadaism wrote a review...



I disagree with the last comment or some of it at least, except like the rating and the capital "I". I think the way you wrote it with the dash-outs added to the meaning of your words and the simple i love you also added to the normal smiplicaty of teen love. I under stand his point on cliched poems and themes but all together the poem seems to need that cliched idea to work. (at least for me lol it may not work for anyone else) I liked it and though everything can use improvement i think you did a fairly nice job on this. :)




User avatar
67 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 67

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Thu Nov 23, 2006 1:17 am
Revere wrote a review...



This should be rated R for use of the f-word.

Also please capitalize your 'I's'.

Additionaly, I think you should take out the lines through some of the words, the underline on the last word, and put the word 'falling' together. They don't add anything - actually they probably take away from it.

I think if you edit the weird puctuation and things it would be better, but I'm not sure if that's all it would need. What I'm saying is I think you should change some phrases to make it a bit less cliched. The purpose of poetry is to create new images and ideas, not fall back on pre-used ones.

I've nothing against love poetry, but if you're going to do it, you have to think of new ways to say things, or else it doesn't really work.

Sorry. :(





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