Published July 9, 2007
We are touching, shoulder to shoulder
Bound together by a thick, warm blanket,
The sea flings itself at the cliff over and over.
In the navy sky, a solitary star.
The words I didn't say lie between us.
You hear them in the silence, but refuse to listen
to the weight of their meaning.
My tongue lies dry and heavy in my mouth.
Your tears give your cheek a sheen.
Your face is like the moon, pale and shining.
I ache to touch you, to press my lips
against your pallid cheek and taste you.
You're thinking of her, her goldeness.
She is like the sun. She burns yellow, all heat.
I am thinking only of you, of always you.
I lace my fingers through your hair.
You could have me if you wanted, it would
take only a flex of your fingers to reach me.
But you stay still, cocooned in your sadness.
I untie my fingers from you hair, withdraw.
You squeeze my arm in thanks, then quietly go.
I sit alone, shivering undelicately, hands clenched.
The sea is roaring, roaring. And the words
"I love you" hang thick and ugly in the silken air.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
i could've sworn I already critiqued this... Hmmmm...
Anyways, I haven't read the other people's reviews, so bear with me and the potential repetitiveness.
You need to come up with your own ways to describe things. Yes, the night is velvety, but I've heard that a hundred times before. Forge your own phrases; combine words in ways you've never considered before. Have some fun with it, I hope you'll be pleased with the results
I really liked this. I think the whole way that it was described was beautiful and I was left with feeling at the end. It's just such an almost cliche (I know it's a terrible word but I'm using it nicely here) subject that when written the way you've written it relates to a lot of people.
I also liked how you related the guy to the moon and the girl that he liked to the sun, again cliche but lovely the way that you wrote it.
You're thinking of her, her goldeness.
She is like the sun. She burns yellow, all heat.
I am thinking only of you, of you, of always you.
I lace my fingers through your hair.
**Here it is odd to read the second line with the all heat added to it. It took me a second to fully understand what you meant by that. And the line "I'm thinking of you, of you, of always you." is a wonderful line but the repeat sort of lost me. It almost seemed like a stronger variety of words needed to be used to blend with the rest of the poem. It also doesn't fit with the action 'I lace my fingers through your hair.' I think what I'm really trying to say is that the line deserves more attention than it got. lol. I'm being picky so don't worry too much about it.
My favorite stanza is the last. It wrapped the poem up very well. Great job on this!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I haven't read over Colly's critique, but she is brilliant and I'm sure she gave a lot of good advice.
I liked this, but it seemed lacking. It was pretty, and the feelings were obvious, but I was left in the dark and not allowed to feel with the speaker. I wasn't given the chance to cry with her and feel her pain of being left alone, and yet in love. If you could give it that, help me to feel what you feel, it would be that much better.
Also, I found the repetition of words annoying, rather than lending to its beauty. But, that is an opinion.
Mieux de la chance!
I like it! It's easy to understand on a surface level, but you've created some ambiguities that make it more sophisticated. The imagery struck me as one of its best features. I'm not entirely sure about the rigidly consistent stanza structure.
Weak, weak adjectives. I'm sure you could come up with something that might inspire a better image, a better description.Meaning. I really like the way you've presented the importance of things unsaid. The two characters' feelings both seem fairly clear, and it's not hard to understand what's happening between them on the surface. I really like the ambiguity created by the speaker's feelings toward the other person, the longing coupled with the understanding of his/her feelings for another person.
Imagery. Lovely. I think you could use more of the beachy imagery throughout the piece. I did like that you came back to the ocean setting at the end of the piece.
Diction. Some better word choice could definitely improve the images. While the first stanza immediately drew me into the piece and created a pretty setting, I get that I've-read-this-before feeling...your descriptions could be helped a lot by an hour with a thesaurus and some extra-creative thinking. Some of the words here are rather everyday or those often associated with beaches and whatnot...here are some examples from the first stanza, which suffers most from poor word choice:
Waves are always described as "crashing" on the shore. Seriously. Always.
Again..."endless," "velvet," and "black" are three words that are almost always used in association with a night sky.
Tone. Good job! I like the way the short, straightforward sentences create sort of a distant attitude that's really effective...otherwise, it might have been overly emotional and disgusting and eew. I like this much better.
I like the double meaning of the word "lie." Cool.
-Colleen