Published March 31, 2005
Perfection hides in your every pore
Gentle, graceful perfection
With you, it would not be possible
To ever ask for more.
The soft sheen of daybreak
Diamond dewdrops fallen fresh from heaven,
Sky the color of a ballerina slipper
Your open eyes, wide awake.
This is the moment of you and me;
Miniature hands grasp my damp hair
Your lips, tiny, like a china-doll's,
Painted in a smile, cheeks flushed rosy.
Your eyes are more than just a perfect green
Framed in your petal-soft skin
They are windows to a perfect world
Of innocence and fairytales,
A world I have not seen.
You are cotton soft in your white nightgown
A subtle scent of lavendar and talcum powder
Entwines across your being, you gurgle slightly
I kiss your forehead to quell a frown.
Gentle as the morning breeze
Young as the sparrow on the old rowan tree
You are unchained by rules, by evil, by sorrow
I see it in your every smile, every touch, every sneeze.
Your little torso moulds onto mine
You press your tiny self into me
I have never felt so purely loved
A love with no expectations, no requirements, no hidden fee.
This is the moment of you and me;
Before Day begins and Night packs up and leaves
The Moment not yet named, where everything is untouched
The world lies open and untainted, pure, still fit for you to see.
~ for Lola, my youngest sister, for whom the world is always perfect~
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
Alrighty. There's a lot of things to talk about here and I might as always start with the standard of capitalization. The summary of my speech about it is that it isn't needed as much as its used in poetry and it's okay to start a line with an undercase letter. Capitalization works a lot into the presentation and the flow of a poem, so here it is causing harm. The flow is already very choppy from a combination of the lack of/misuse of punctuation, so I'm always going to recommend taking those out.
Punctuation is here and there in the poem, and when I did see it pop up, it wasn't being utilized. For instance, let's look at the first stanza which is your most important stanza, nose to nose with the final stanza.
The feel of this stanza is just so off with the way you're forcing the reader to make their way through it. Without even sounding it out loud, I can feel how the lines are barely fitting together and your overall wording has been bothering me since the beginning. The wording just looks like it's trying too hard and I've been seeing that a lot in poetry, where the fancy wording takes the spotlight over the message. So that's certainly something that you don't want coming off this poem.
The motivations of this poem come off in a different way than the evidence beginning you're citing. The way it's designed gives a more romantic connection to the subject, rather than adoring and complimenting a younger sibling. But that's again just another thing wrapped up in the presentation and wording, where you might be aiming for one thing, but the style is going to present something else.
So good try.
You've got a few big issues.
Happy revmo
- lizz
I really love this. It's an excellent topic and I love how you've portrayed it.
I thought this was very good.
In the second line, "gently" should be "gentle", shouldn't it? Also, in the fourth stanza, that "then", should be "than".
The fifth stanza, in my oppinion should be reworded. The rhythm dosen't flow so well. I couldn't really notice the rhyme at the end.
But, I enjoyed it a lot. Keep writing.