everything about me depends on you.
this is something that haunts me
long into the sleepless nights
staring out at the parking lot,
imagining the ocean
i hear waves against a Kodak beach
in the sound of engines starting
somewhere, you are playing guitar
beneath the very same sky that i am under,
lying on my couch
staring at the white ceiling
too consumed by lethargy to even cringe
at my surroundings
tonight is a full moon
but moonlight does not enter here
the blinds are closed
letting in only the yellow glow of streetlights
and the whirr of electricity
i think of you
the way your eyes looked on Tuesday
when the sun hit your face so perfectly
as if some god had aimed that ray of light
right through the leaves of the cork tree, purposely to
transform your eyes into mirrors of the ocean on summer day,
purposely to make me fall that bit harder for you.
night has fully broken now
releasing a scattering of stars
spilling a silk ink that dyes the sky a haunting purple
i lie beneath it, protected by its beauty and
i think of you.
only you.
always
you.
i imagine that
you sit on the veranda
the scent of lilacs fills the air
a cigarette dangles from your lips
your hands play with no thought
no control, just movement
like water nursing bare feet on sand
perfect, endless, always at the right time
i dare not torture myself
by imagining the girl beside you
or the way her hair might smell
i just concentrate on the look of your fingers
soaked in moonlight
and softly sing myself to dreams of you,
dreams where you are mine
tomorrow i will wake up with the feeling
that i have lost something infinitely precious.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Oh wow, that was soooo beautiful! It's not difficult to get me transfixed within the lines of good poetry or literature, but you sure did it well! The imagery and the choice of words are spot-on.
I especially like stanza 5, absolutely beautiful. That's one of those stanzas that I wish I had written. *laughs*
I totally loved it.It's really so beautiful and the words are amazing and how you shift from line to line is also fabulous.
okay first off, i saw that u live in dublin ireland, this is probably going to sound weird or lame to u but i want to go there so bad!
okay, i love your poem, very nice visual, in the first stanza i can hear the ocean in my head reading it, and the engines.
i really love your second stanza, very different how you put that your lying on your couch and your staring at your white ceiling, even though it's very simple it portrays a very strong emotion of like boredom and depression, wishing you could be somewhere else, is that what you meant to portray?
i love the full moon part.
the third stanza is very descriptive without being boring.
i love how you describe the guy, it's sexy and mysterious.
the ending is depressing, the last line is vague and makes you think. very good.
I absolutely love this stanza. The imagery and emotion is just...totally awesome. This whole piece is really nice and the emotions are gorgeous. Keep it up.
I like it, but I think you told the reader a bit too much. It would have been much more effective had you shown us what you meant, and the message would have been a lot more powerful.
That's a bit too spelled-out.
I really like it though, especially the first stanza. Good work.
micah -- hey i've been here for a week or three now and i just figured that out today
niteowl -- any better??? and i before e thing made me blush because i am always correcting people on that rule and there i screwed it up myself
Oh i'm so stupid! I'm still learning how to use this site, so if anyone can help, just go to my blog.
You could have just edited it, Micah.
I agree: it is a beautiful poem. The only errors were spelling. In the second stanza, it's ceiling, not cieling. I before E, except after C...
In the fourth stanza, you say "facw" when you meant "face."
And actually, there is one line I didn't like.
It sounds like a typical forced rhyming, except well, you're not rhyming. It made me wonder how this could have even been written by the same person who wrote the rest of this beautiful poem. I'm not sure what to do with this line, but please, do something about it!
Overall, great poem.
It's pretty cool, chansen.
Just remember there is a difference between a piece of creative writing and a Poem.
But I loved some of your descriptions, so keep it up!!
The point of your imagination definately comes across.
It's so beautiful! I love the all-out obsession that this portrays, and the imagery was wonderful. It obviously kept me reading, and I loved it.
"everything about me depends on you"
That line was amazing. I loved it. Good job. way to start it off strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I absolutely love this stanza:
I think that it flows, the imagery is gorgeous and it was easy to follow.
Nice job, Chanson.