The still of night guides us through dawn,
For day left its burden and settled away.
Shadows rise and slowly crawl among us,
Figuring the night will keep them awake.
Winds blow and spread their chill,
Flickering stars commit and fulfill.
For desperate souls have their needs,
Using the night to gain their speed
Nature rests at the still of night,
Where all that is life is put down to sleep.
Silence dwells deep ,sharing its comfort
As the still of night gathers its sorrows.
Darkness shall leave as nature awakens,
For light takes over and remains forsaken.
The chapter shall close and open its gates,
another bright, sunny day awaits.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This is a lovely idea I like this:
"Darkness shall leave as nature awakens,
For light takes over and remains forsaken.
The chapter shall close and open its gates,
another bright, sunny day awaits."
The gate part is good, simple but good.
I adjusted it a little bit
Thnx for the Comments Writersdomain !
Every other stanza rhyming bothered me at first, but after reading it a few times, I guess it was alright. It's very different, but not bad. I thought you had some relaly good images here and thoroughly described the night coming and leaving with, for the most part, beautiful word choice.
Your 1st line was very good; it intrigued me to continue reading - nicely done! The 2nd line was okay, but I didn't like the verb 'gave' because it makes me wonder 'gave who?'. If you're saying it 'gave up' the burdens, I suggest a word like 'relinquish' or something like that. I liked your verb crawling in hte 3rd line, but the second half seemed a little long.
'shadows rise and slowly crawl among us' Shadows rise is perfect, but all after that seems lengthly. I suggest omitting 'slowly'. It's good description, but with 'among us', it makes the line seem to drag on.
I liked your 4th line, very cool.. the night keeping them awake... clever.
I absolutely loved your 1st two lines here. I could almost feel the chill and I loved the stars committing and fulfilling.Your 2nd two lines were good, but they are out of rhythm.The 4th line is too short to be in rhythm with the 3rd line. Adding a 2-syllable adjective before darkness would fix that.
Firstly, you don't need a comma after 'life' and secondly, I didn't like your usage of 'put down'. You could just say 'falls into sleep', but put down is awkward. The 3rd line was okay but at least I think that omitting the and and sayin 'silence dwells deep, sharing its comfort' would sound better. That's just my opinion there, so feel free to do whatever you feel is best with it. The last line was a conclusion, but I think it could have been more creatively stated. Your last line seems blunt compared to the rest of the poem. If you gave us an image of the still of night departing, the last line would seem more alive, but right now it seems as if you are just stating a fact.
This has a lot of potential; I liked a lot of your images and word choice. Nicely done and please keep writing...
nymore comments nyone ?
Every other stanza rhymed... it annoyed me somehow...
This was deep though, I admit, I liked it... I don't know why but I'm suddenly annoyed.
Good job though