Bitter is to taste you leaving,
sweet is to draw you closer.
Sour is to hide these feelings,
and aching for time to stand still
Hard is to say the words,
easy is to be just friends.
Painful is to hide these feelings,
and yet again soothing,
for time to stand still
Killing is to see you loose,
not in these arms
for this is a weakling,
too weak to show truth.
I know i've written a poem similair to this one...i personally don't think this is one is very good a bit off rythem.. aah i dunno just weird
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This poem has good potential but the rythem was bad so didn't flow at all (Which ruins it for me) I didn't really like the way you repeated
"*Blank* is to hide these feelings, "
and
"for time to stand still"
It reminded more of a song then a poem. And then theirs also that kind of poem where you take the first line and use it for the 4th line and the second line and use it for the 3d line (Or something like that) is that a portronam? But it also reminded me of that, and I think it might be a little more intresting and maybe have so more struture if you used that format. I'll get back to you on what thats called.
But I think it was a good poem, the words you used to describe your feelings I think are very good. i.e Sour Bitter.
Well everything is covered by the others.
I liked the poem it was quite simple and easy to read (flowed well). The repetition of the style of the poem e.g. Bitter is to..., sweet is to... etc was a really great technique to use and kept the poem together.
okay, writersdomain got here first, so it's pretty much covered, but i would cut out this line from the second stanza:
it's choppy and awkward. just try to thing of a fairer and, perhaps, more related ending to the stanza.
this line is choppy and i'm pretty sure the rhythm is off.
otherwise, i must concur. this is a very good start - please continue writing.
My thoughts on this poem echo those above. You have a decent start and I liked the form in which you wrote, but your rhythm was choppy, some of lines seemed half-hearted and not as powerful as they could be.
Your first line is pretty good. Your second lines bothered me though. The 'is to have' sounded very weak and unemotional. I think something like 'Sweet is to draw you closer' or 'Sweet is to know you're close' Just ponder some more powerful phrasing.
I think 'these' would sound better than 'the' in the first. I didn't think your verb was very powerful here, but I can't think of any way to change it. The second line was good. Painful has one L. Did you mean to repeat the verb 'hide' from the 1st stanza?
.
Your first line did not appeal to me. It seemed like you were tiring of this poem by the time you reached this stanza. It kills you to see him loose? Firstly, I think 'dismay' would probably make more sense and to see him 'loose' makes it sound like you're seeing him free and I'm not sure that's what you want to portray. Perhaps
"Dismay it to see you in arms
Not mine"
or something like that. Um, I didn't like your repetition of 'weak'. You've already told us that the writer thinks they are a weakling, so you don't need to mention they are weak again. Perhaps 'too frightened' or something to that effect would work better.
This was a great start. Nicely done and please keep writing.
Hey, this was OK. I believe you meant "aching" in the last line of the first stanza and "painful" in the third line of the second stanza. I think you need to expand on this. Give examples and go into detail more. This can be a very deep topic (trust me; I know). Definitely edit this. You've got a good base, though. Keep writing.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-
Yeah, I felt this one attempted to have a rhythm but sort of stumbled over it at times. There were a few good word choices, such as
"Painfull is to hide these feelings,
and yet again soothing"
a nice equivocation. I'd spend some time editing the heck out of this; it could be good some day.