Published July 15, 2011
Engines on and you’re blended in between two time zones. 9 hours ahead, 6 hours behind and you’re floating in the middle, gently. You close your eyes and you drift along the river of a latest memory. You open your eyes and get reminded about what you’re about to experience.
First breath of hot air and your lungs sense what they’ve sensed before. A drop of saltiness drips from your forehead to your rounded chin and reaches the floor, the floor senses what it’s sensed before.
The sight of the concrete mass in which you’ve experienced the flow of a daily routine. And as you enter and settle. Oh it all gets back to you, the blue and orange walls, the dog jumping at your feet and the whistling frogs just at the break of nightfall.
This is where you take a glass and fill it with water that’s been down memory lane. Sit down and take a sip. And as you taste your taste buds perceive and your brain understands, the immanent link, between the present perception and a dazzling retrospect of a place called home.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
First off, it is well known that second person is the weakest form of narrative. There are very few cases in which it actually works and has a positive effect upon the piece, and this is not one of them. It feels very forced. Like you are instructing the reader of what they are supposedly feeling/seeing, forcing them into feeling/seeing something that they are not actually feeling/seeing, if that makes sense.
More than that, the first person narrative makes this entire thing seem really amateur. The entire writing style just seems like a primary school kid's work. I honestly cannot get a grasp on what you are trying to get at half of the time.
And all of the grammar was just slightly off. For example, the first sentence in the third paragraph isn't even a full sentence. It doesn't have a predicate (verb).
Well, that's all I have to say. Sorry if it was slightly harsh.
Hello!
This piece was fabulous. Sincerely: it was pure brilliance.
You dazzled your reader with flowery prose, then turned to a little more of a simplistic style to make an impact. You struck a good balance and as a result this piece just flowed so harmoniously and beautifully.
I'm not sure how you did it, but you captured 'it' so well. By 'it' I mean all those mixed emotions and feelings which pang you when a journey or holiday is over and it is time to return home. I could relate to those same emotions; I think anybody could.
You didn't so much focus on the negetive of the whole experience of having to come home. The mood of the poem was light, and you put in perspective the fact that you have to come home sooner or later. It wasn't a dirge about how upsetting it is to have you leave. In fact, you focused on how sweet and comforting daily normalities can be.
Your grammar and spelling is perfectly fine, too. When I went back and seached for mistakes, I suspected no less. The quality of your work is so that I knew you wouldn't make any silly typo's or overlook an error.
Well...high praise indeed! I really did love this and I can't wait to read more from you, Chandni. * Like* and *follow*! And remember, If you ever want another review, just PM me.
~ Amelia