Published January 5, 2007
Behold what’s beyond as we
conquer this geometric object,
remembrance anguished trough
divinity resting at its pace
Abstract images sustain, fooling
those detached from their source.
The universe parallels to all
that’s sacred. Our intellectual
mind regains abundance,
when unity of the one force
appears. Illumined by the
ego-less intelligence. Thus now
we lay behind, the atmosphere
only seeks; its concept beyond.
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I think Brad picked up everything - again I didnt understan anything.... just my opinion. You may want to clear things up.
Chandni -
Behold as we conquer this geometry:
the abstract topology sustains and fools
when detached from its source.
The universe can only parallel
that which is sacred. As our mind
regains abundance we lay
behind the startling atmosphere,
its concept--beyond our grasp.
Best,
Brad
Chandni -
This is OK, but it needs additional work. At its heart, this is a series of statements that need to harmonize for the poem to be effective, and I don’t think you’re at the point where they do. I broke the poem out and have a few comments in line
Behold what's beyond as we
conquer this geometric object,
** A strong start--I assume you mean a sphere meaning the earth.
remembrance anguished trough
divinity resting at its pace
** This is weak. It comes across as a stock poetic phrase and it doesn’t seem to add to anything else in the piece.
Abstract images sustain, fooling
those detached from their source.
** This gains strength from the next statement, but it doesn’t seem congruent with the opening.
The universe parallels to all
that's sacred.
** This is strong, much in the way that the opening is. The strength of the poem seems to me to be in the opening, this statement (with or without the preceding one) and the next statement.
Our intellectual
mind regains abundance,
** This works because it’s been set up well.
when unity of the one force
appears. Illumined by the
ego-less intelligence. Thus now
we lay behind, the atmosphere
only seeks; its concept beyond.
** This is probably effective in a different poem. It provides a second POV that I can guess attempts to stimulate the reader to think about the situation, but it fails here. "unity of the one force / appears" is nonsensical. Unity is one--any "one force" is already at unity. "the atmosphere / only seeks" is equally nonsensical. We need a direct object here or else this phrase merely adds to the convolution of the last stanza.
Consider spending some additional time on this. I think it’s worth the investment if you know where you're going.
Best,
Brad
Abstract poetry, like you always seem to do
, goes up and over me.
But the punctuation looks good! *smirks* it was nice, but I understood nothing. And its not your fault, either.