Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Yet another sleepless night
Or in other words one filled with fright
The thoughts I ponder I can hardly bare
As I lay and murmur "this isn't fair"
As my inner thoughts contend
I begin to realize sleep is my only friend
When I slip into the abyss
I loop scenarios of happiness
A world where "friends" don't cheat and lie
Where loved ones never have to die
Where my friend and his family are all fine
Instead of a fading memory in the corner of my mind
A place where there is no arguments
Over stupid and meaningless shit
Where my mother made more of an effort
So that I felt as an equal, not a lesser
I dream of all these scenarios
But soon realize it's times like these where one truly grows
As I wake from this strange abyss
I say my goodbyes, you will be missed.
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139,900 Literary Works • 672,728 Reviews
Hello, this was a great poem, overall it put me in the speakers mind.
What I loved was how the beat symbolized a quicker pace with the angry mood of regret: 'Where loved ones never have to die
Where my friend and his family are all fine
Instead of a fading memory in the corner of my mind
A place where there is no arguments
Over stupid and meaningless shit
Where my mother made more of an effort
So that I felt as an equal, not a lesser'
It was a vey nice flow, I believe I also liked the way it slowed down at the end for the conclusion. The rhyme was excellent too. I liked this line especially 'Where my mother made more of an effort' This line is open to the imagination, I suggest keeping it the same.
What needs work is '"this isn't fair"' Needs to be capitalized at the beginning. Also I'm a little confused why he is scared at the beginning: 'Or in other words one filled with fright'
Overall, this was a amazing poem and I hope you keep writing!
Hello there. I hope to give you a fair review. YWS review sandwich style!!!!
What I liked— I personally like rhyming poems, and this one was that. The poem is simple and is able to convey what you want to. It's good for a beginner, or even if you are not it's still a nice piece. I enjoyed while reading this. And I was forced to play in my mind what the poem was saying, which is a good thing. You also seem to love your friend and seem to care about others. I personally liked these lines— 'A world where "friends" don't cheat and lie
Where loved ones never have to die'. Very good.
Improvements which can be done— I will give suggestions only, but it's not necessary that you do as I say. I like the original piece. The poem has good rhythm in the beginning, but then loses it, then again gets the rhythm, but then again loses it at the end. This breaks the flow and mood of the reader. Even a better rhythm could have been created by using punctuation. As it is said — 'Use punctuation, save lives.' A poem becomes beautiful by using correct punctuation. I highly recommend you to do this, if not anything else. In the last line, the use of 'you' for 'abyss' seems weird. The use of 'it' or even 'he' may work. Or maybe except a comma a (—) may work better. Except the use of 'lesser', 'inferior' can very well work.
What I didn't understand — Sorry, but the following lines— 'Where my mother made more of an effort
So that I felt as an equal, not a lesser
I dream of all these scenarios
But soon realize it's times like these where one truly grows'. I was unable to understand them. Please tell me.
Conclusion — Overall, a good piece of work. A good try. Keep it up. I would love to read more from you.
The "where my mother made more of an effort
So I feel as an equal not a lesser" refers to my mother not being there for the entirety of my childhood and not being able to relate to things the kids at school had to say about theirs. The "I dream of all these scenarios
But soon realize its times like these when one truly grows" is me justifying that hard times are good because they only make you a stronger person in the end.
Oh! I am sorry to hear that. Though I believe 'inferior' might be better than 'lesser'. And the other line has a very good meaning. Great!!!!!
Thank you for the advice! And thank you for taking the time to read it.
Welcome. I hope to read more of your works.
As my creative writing teacher said (quoting Some Famous Author I Forget), "Poetry is life distilled". Poetry is meant to be intense and compact, even in long lines. Every word matters. I think you need to work on this. Go over your sentences and find ways to simplify things. Use one strong word instead of several weaker words. Remember poetry is not just rhythmic prose. It has its own meter and cadence. Also, punctuation is still important in poetry! It lets people know when to pause, when to breathe. Periods are your friend!
Thank you for the advice!