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Love With out Impurities

by Chakrarao

Once upon a time there was a girl born in a village named  Ratpur .  She is so pretty  and beautiful.

Her eyes attracts  everyone towards his love. Did you know the name of the girl?. The name of the girl was Nivedita. At the age of 2 Nivi's  mother was died.  Nivi loved his father very much. And she wanted to make his father happy. 

So then onwards she started to study excellently to impress his dad .Because of nivi father likes the education very much .Days are going on and Nivi aged  to 8 years old .As of the daily routine of the day she went to school .But,  today is a special day to Nivi. Because of today is her  birthday. so,nivi wants to wear a new dress . Nivi father brought a new and morvouelous dress to her.nivi father gave the dress to nivi . Nivi wows! To see the dress . Nivi goes to  school at early only . And she enjoys his special day through his friends and teachers. Nivi's best friend name was pranesh. Because of pranesh is very helpful person and who is in need he was there to help.

The school bell rings and nivi started to go home. At that time she fell down the road . Had a scratch in his leg . It was bleeding too.  She went to home silently. And hadn't told his father about the scratch .The sun rises .Nivi wokes up.  And saw the scratch but she observed a cloth around the scratch . She was thinking that who did this?. At the same time nivi's father  came there and disappears his taught . He told like this ' my dear baby I only knot the cloth around the scratch. 

Nivi asked again "dad I hadn't told you that I had a scratch in my leg then how did you know that." Then nivi's father replied with a smile " my dear princess you are my" heart and soul "Then if you got of any pain to your heart then it pain to not only you but also for me. It reaches me at any movement.  

The relation between the father and the daughter was going on.  And lots of memories were full filled in their life . Years are going on .Nivi grown up. Nivi    father wanted to do marriage to her. Then he taught of pranesh. He asked for the opinion of the nivi . Then nivi said ok for the marriage. To every father's in the world who had daughters was a very difficult task was to do marriage to her pretty daughters.  

Because of every father treats their daughters as a queen but finally he wanted to do marriage to her with a king. Everyone is getting ready for the marriage.  At finally the D - day came up . All are busy in marriage works.  At a second time the whole world around the nivi was changed because of that phone call.  That phone call gave a big shock to every one. Especially to nivi. 

Wait for the twist in part -2

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137 Reviews

Points: 6338
Reviews: 137

Thu Jul 16, 2020 7:31 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...

Hello Chakrarao! Welcome to YWS :D

I am here to review your first work on YWS. So the story's plot revolves around the sweet father-daughter relationship and the purity in their love. You gave a quick background of her childhood to show how she grew up to be so close to her father. I liked the part where you told about that little incident in her childhood where she got wounded and tried to hide her pain from her father. But her pain could not stay hidden from her father and he attended to her wounds while she she was sleeping.

Moving on to the mistakes that I found in your chapter. I hope I don't sound too harsh but these are just some little tips that will help to improve your work. First of all some of the common and general mistakes that were present at many places.

You had put unnecessary extra spacing between words and sentences. Like here-

Once upon a time there was a girl born in a village named Ratpur . She is so pretty and beautiful.

It makes the work look unfinished and a bit odd. So make sure to put punctuations just right after the last word and then give just one space before starting the new sentence. Also you had put double punctuations at some places like especially after a '?' question mark.

You must capitalise a proper noun. Nivi is the name of that girl so the 'N' should be capitalised everywhere.

Then you used 'his' in place of 'her' in the entire story. For example-
Nivi loved his father very much. And she wanted to make his father happy.

Here it should be 'her' father since you meant Nivi's father. If you feel confused between the usage of his and her, I suggest you refer some article on possessive pronouns on google.

There were also quite many grammatical errors that completely changed the meaning of the sentences. The tense was also changing throughout the story. It's not possible to point out each and every mistake so I'll just pick a few.

At the age of 2 Nivi's mother was died.

Was died is completely wrong. Since it's something sensitive it's better to write Nivi's mother passed away.

So then onwards she started to study excellently to impress his dad .Because of nivi father likes the education very much

I know what you are trying to say here but the sentence is structured in an odd way.
''So then onwards she started studying excellently to impress her dad because Nivi's father valued education very much.''

At many places you just wrote nivi father but it should be Nivi's father.

At the same time nivi's father came there and disappears his taught . He told like this ' my dear baby I only knot the cloth around the scratch.

These are completely wrong. Disappears his taught doesn't make any sense. I think you should write 'removes her doubt'.
He told like this "My dear baby, I had only put a cloth around the scratch." (knot doesn't fit right here)

Nivi father wanted to do marriage to her. Then he taught of pranesh.

This again made a wrong sense. Just write Nivi's father wanted her to get married. Then he thought of Pranesh.

There were many other places that needed correction but it wasn't possible for me to go through each line. Also you changed the tense abruptly that needs to be taken care of in the entire chapter.

I like the title but it should be 'without' and not two separate words as 'with out'.

So I suggest you should properly read your work again and again to eliminate the basic errors. As for improving grammar, using proper tenses and forming sentences properly I suggest you should read more articles online. Also try to read more novels and stories on this site so that you can get an idea of how you can improve. This is the best way of learning.

Sorry if this review felt a bit harsh but the main thing is learning. Try to improve yourself and don't hesitate to come up with questions. I hope you will post the next chapter soon.

All the best for your future works.
Keep writing :D

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47 Reviews

Points: 703
Reviews: 47

Thu Jul 16, 2020 3:17 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...

Hey Chakrarao, this is a great short story. I really like this, I just have a few critiques. There were a few grammer issues so maybe consider running this through a program like Grammerly. Second of all, at the begining when you say Nivi is pretty and beatifull, what makes her beatiful? You need to show the reader what she looks like, not tell them. I can't wait for the part 2 and hope you keep up the good work. Thats all for now!


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73 Reviews

Points: 5571
Reviews: 73

Thu Jul 16, 2020 11:23 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...

Hi, Chakrarao! I'm here for a quick review.
I really enjoyed reading this story. This is quite an interesting and unique writing.
Like covers doesn't show you everything, titles don't show you all that is written, but I truly respect those who keep the title simple and beautiful in both ways. You really are one of those who choose the most intriguing title that brings the reader into reading it and loving it.

The first thing that caught my eyes are the spaces. Spaces aren't that important and they don't matter so much, but they sometimes break the smooth flow that keeps the readers' attention.

"Nivi grown up. Nivi father wanted to do marriage to her."

Should be:
"Nivi grown up. Nivi father wanted to do marriage to her."

These are only suggestions and I don't want them to offend you if the things that I mentioned are not mistakes. This is my opinion as a reader, you can ignore them if they bother you.

Few other things that I've noticed are that there are lots of fragments without subject or adjectives.

Such as this one:
"Years are going on .Nivi grown up."

You could have said:
"Years are going on, and Nivi had grown up."

You should try to use "had" or "have" to make the sentence less abrupt.

This sounds like a play or some sort like it. I would suggest you either edit it or put it as an in-play section.

It's really a remarkable piece of writing, but I think it would be better with capitalized words and punctuations.

I truly enjoy reading this wonderful work and I love it!

No worries, it's unique as it is, if you rather prefer it that way.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep on writing!

Your reviewer, Chris

No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
— LCDR Geordi La Forge