Published October 27, 2025
Eclipse
Prologue
*Hiroshima,Japan 1992*
The sun’s rays slowly dimmed. The wind howled, scattering the dry autumn leaves across rows of parked cars.
Itsukaichi was a strange town. It had its own rhythm half tradition and half chaos. The air smelled like fresh dorayaki from every corner of the town yet the wail of police sirens and street muggings also felt normal.
St Maria Seibo Orphanage – once named Hiroshima war orphans foster home – was quiet in the fading evening light, the dull hum of water seeping through the paper-thin walls.
The maid Umi (named after the ocean, as she was born on a boat) lay on the worn-out couch, dreading another grueling day of cleaning the orphanage and caring for the children who shouldn’t even be her responsibility. It’s not like she hated the children – she actually loved them dearly – but juggling two jobs at once with being expected to make no mistakes was exhausting.
But before she could get lost in thought, she heard a soft tap at the door. She sluggishly dragged herself to the door. “Who is it?” she groaned, rubbing her eyes.
She opened the door and froze.
Two intimidating police officers stood under the porch light, their police badges glistening in the dim evening light. One officer's face was marked with old battle scars while the other one’s expression was stone cold.
By their side was a young boy, no older than six. He was shivering. He had holes at the front of his makeshift shoes. He looked starved, his clothes were held together using tape instead of thread. He had dark green eyes rimmed with shadows and rough, untamed black hair that shone under the porch light.
On his frail neck hung an oversized gold necklace with a pendant that resembled a crescent moon and in his arms was a baby girl that looked no older than eighteen months silently resting with the same fiery hair and eyes as the boy and lying on her chest was another gold pendant resembling the sun.
The police officer with a stern expression spoke first “May we come in?”
Umi’s hand trembled on the door handle.
She ushered them inside, wishing to ask hundreds of questions, but she controlled herself and sat them down.
“I’m officer Soren,” The police officer started, “And this is my partner, officer Yuki.” pointing at the man with scars.
“We found this child stealing pastries from Aliza's bakery a couple streets away from here. We followed him to an abandoned building where there was this baby he was caring for. We asked him where his parents or legal guardian were and why he was stealing but he didn’t give a clear answer so we took him to the station for questioning and we found out he doesn’t have parents or a legal guardian, to his knowledge.”
“To his knowledge?” Umi said, confused.
“I’m sorry,” Officer Yuki said “But we can’t disclose all the details. All you need to know is that these two children will be staying with you until further notice.”
“Staying here? With us? That’s absurd!… And what do you mean by ‘further notice’?” Umi questioned
“The council's been informed. Next month you’ll receive additional funds to tend to the children's needs.” Officer Soren added
And with that they walked out leaving Umi with no words.
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes until Umi started the conversation
“So… what’s your name?” Umi said, “If you're ready to talk.”
“My name? My name… is Asuka and she is Mika.” he said, pointing at the baby who looked like it was starting to wake.
Umi sipped her tea slowly and placed it back on the table “So Asuka,” She started “My name is Umi and I have a few questions. First, where did you come from and secondly, why were you stealing ?”
“We were alone… with nothing. It was only me and Mika trying to survive on these cruel streets.” he managed to whisper out.
Umi put her hand on his shoulder “How did you get on the streets and where… are you parents?”
“I–I don’t know… I can't even remember my own parents. I don't remember basically anything.”
He paused unsure if he should carry on
“There was a facility. People were shouting. Blood everywhere. And… and a woman that looked really injured told me to run and take the baby that she called Mika and that she is my sister. She looked scared… and she looked like me and Mika and I think she was my mum. So we ran, we ran for hours stopping only for a few minutes in between. We ran so much that the leather of my shoes started to peel off. That was a week ago. I’ve had to dig through trash or steal just to keep me and Mika alive.”
But before Umi could reply someone was coming down the stairs.
House Matron Hans descended elegantly, her dark nightgown trailing behind her. She looked up, her sharp eyes landed on Asuka and the sleeping Mika and her face twisted into disgust.
“Who are these children!?” She snapped
“I–I’m sorry house matron for not informing you but two police officers came to the door and said we must take these children.” Umi nervously said
“Police officers? Police can’t just dump children at our doorstep.” Ms Hans said with a condescending tone “You must have been mistaken with what happened. So I’ll ask you again. Who are these children!
“I promise you house matron I'm not mistaken. They said they had informed the council and extra funds would be given next month.”
“Typical.. just typical of them!” She snapped “The council thinking they can just dump random strays off the streets and into my orphanage without even telling me but they seem to think it’s fine because they add a little more funds to the budget. Umi! set up the children’s rooms.”
Umi nodded.
Umi led Asuka and the sleeping Mika up to a small dimly lit room with two beds crammed next to the wall.
“Asuka, this will be your room that you’ll share with another boy, sorry it’s a bit small." Umi said
“W-What about Mika?” Asuka said, his face trembling, “Please don’t split us up… I have to protect her.”
“She has to stay in the infants’ section but that doesn’t mean you won’t see her, it's only when she’s sleeping so during the day you can play and talk with her all you like.” Umi said
Asuka nodded and Umi left the room.
Asuka put his head in his hands. Without holding Mika he felt empty but then just moments later the door creaked open again and a boy around Asuka’s age walked in.
He strode in like he owned the place. But behind all that confidence Asuka could sense a small flicker of fear. He had dark blue hair tied in a bun, his eyes were mismatched one green and the other blue and he wore a white headband.
“Umi! There’s a random kid in my room.” The boy screamed
“No!” Asuka corrected “I’m new to this place Umi told me to stay here.”
The boy stared at him for a long time and then came closer and outstretched his hand
“Hi I’m Hachiro, what's your name?”
Asuka took his hand “I’m Asuka”
“So Asuka, why are you here?”
“I-I don’t know. I don’t remember anything.”
“Wait, what do you mean you don’t know?” Hachiro questioned “You don’t look rich so how’d you get that necklace? It doesn’t look fake”
“I just don’t know! I can’t remember anything.”
Hachiro looked at him and chuckled “You're strange Asuka, I like that, wanna be my friend?”
Asuka smiled “Sure”
“Ok new friend come with me.” Hachiro said leaping out the window
Asuka blinked “What are you doing Hachiro?!”
“Just jump! We’re going somewhere ” Hachiro said
Asuka hesitated for a moment, then smiled. For the first time that night, he smiled.
“You’re insane!” Asuka chuckled and jumped out the window
The boys landed on a soft patch of grass and Hachiro ushered him to a spot behind the orphanage. He led him to an open field and said “Come sit down Asuka.”
“Why are we here, Hachiro?”
“Asuka.. you're my first friend. All the other kids think I am weird because I have a lot of energy or that I’m cursed because my eyes are ‘odd’, even my own mother looked at me like that. But you.. you, you're the first to accept me so I promise when I become king you’ll be the first I’ll help.”
“King?” Asuka questioned “King of what?”
“It’s an expression, ‘king’ just means the person people look up to and I’ll be a symbol for people, a symbol for everyone all around the world that they never have to be afraid or run from anything. It’s not for money or fame it’s so no one has to fear anything ever again. You’ll see Asuka, the world may look dark now but it will change. I will change it.”
“Wow Hachiro that’s… that’s an amazing dream.”
“What about you Asuka? What’s your dream?”
Asuka looked up to the stars where the moon shined down making his gold pendant glisten in the moonlight.
“I-I don’t know yet.”
(3 weeks later)
Asuka sat by the window watching the sun slowly dip behind the horizon. The city’s lights flickering off one by one.
“The city’s beautiful isn’t it?” A voice behind him said
Asuka turned around to Hachiro standing there with a cheeky grin. He took a seat next to Asuka.
Asuka just sat there not replying.
“You there? Asuka?” Hachiro said, waving his hand in front of his eyes.
“Have you ever heard it?” Asuka said, pausing “That noise?”
“What noise?” Hachiro said confused
“The train, that old train that sounds like metal grinding against metal.”
“A train? We don’t even live near any train tracks.”
“Exactly,” Asuka said “That’s what makes it weird. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been here it’s really wei–”
Suddenly a low grinding noise rang out, it was subtle most people probably wouldn’t be able to even hear it but if you focused enough it would become audible.
Asuka quickly looked out the window but there was nothing there.
“Did you hear that! I told you Hachiro the train’s real!” Asuka excitedly said
“I heard it but where did it go?” Hachiro said scratching his head
“I–I don’t know but it’s like it’s taunting me.
Outside, the moon vanished behind a cloud and the world just dimmed a little darker.
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Asuka and Mika are taken to an orphanage, where they are put into their own rooms and where Asuka makes a new friend named Hachiro and hears a train in the distance, even though they are no trains. And what happened to his parents?!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how this sort of has a slightly creepy tone to it with how suddenly Asuka and Mika appear at the orphanage and with the mysterious murder that must have killed their parents, it really adds to the story. I also like the detail of the train that not many people can hear, it’s like some kind of omen for Asuka…but why?
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous prologue! I see that you already have the first chapter out and I will be sure to read it tomorrow! I hope that Asuka, Mika, and Hachiro will be alright, but I’m not too sure. I cannot wait to read the rest of the story and so…
I wish you an awesome day/night! ^v^
Ahoy!
...after this, simply have them,This will be a bit brief, but brevity is the soul of wit, they say. So with luck and lackadaisical, it'll be wise as well as short.
Set Up
Well-visualized: The tangible details of the town not only give me a place to put my feet, as a reader, they've given me a tone and atmosphere. The contrast between old/new and serene/chaotic additionally is rather a good hook. A good story must present a question. And now, oy, I wonder how the elements will collide. And neatly done, giving the reader sound/smells/sights -- all together.
Narrative Pacing
A few things:
First, 'tis an excellent leap right into the action. Orphan-on-doorstep. Mystery. Etc.
Second, though, the dialogue drags where I think summary would both a) continue to give your story tone and texture and b) move more quickly. Perhaps have the officers shove the boy in, insist Umi takes him, and then let the narrator quickly sum up Umi's internal monologue (confusion? offense? impulse to question or defy--) but before she can, the officers bow, and leave her, assuming their authority and her inability to complain.
If we don't need to know the officers' names for the future, or their characters, perhaps also leave that out.
Then leap to a long pause, and use your skill with describing the situation/characters without explanation. What if you gave us a curt portrait of the two kids? And then, before Umi can ask a question, let the little orphan fellow go:
Then have the matron interrupt. Now you've left us with enough information we know where we are and how we feel, but with more questions so that we have to sprint on into the rest to know...why?
Dialogue
You've got a good ear for dialogue. I enjoy how you use it to move the story along. By the time you get to the matron barging in, it would ace if she were a bit comic. She already is--she seems haughty and vaguely oblivious to what 'doesn't fit' her sense of 'rightness'.
Let her ignore or cut Umi off, and then have Umi show the kids to the their space...
Character Development
Rather like the characters, and the kids. Slow down the Asuka and Hachiro's first interaction. What would two boys say when they first met? Orphans? Who is Hachiro, and what matters to him? Does having his own space matter much, or not so much? Is there something in the room he'd prefer to keep hidden? He seems like he's got a tough exterior...does he want a friend, though? A lot ought to happen in the first meeting between two people in a story--you've made me curious about where the story is going when your characters interact. Are you planting seeds for later on?
Finally...
...the train. It re-evokes the eeriness of the opening. I'd love to see you echo the language from the opening two or three paragraphs: compare the train sounds to scraping autumn leaves, or the the horn to howling wind. It'd rather bring things full circle, and make a pattern. And stories, oy, are always about patterns, yes?
Anyhow, thanks for the read. Hope the review is helpful.
Toodles,
IMP