Young Writers Society

i found very good.
I thought it gave an amazing message.
I also like the mystery of why her life sucked so bad.
It's good.
Sorry the review sucks so bad.

Thank you SOOOOO incredibly much you guys!!!! I'll continue to work on it!!!! (here's the newly revised version)



I think I must be like her;
Delicate, patient, pleasant,
She’s never said an ill word of anyone.
Her inner beauty shines through her pores.
And here am I, rough, quick to speak my mind.
The only substance my pores contain is mud

I am the sort of person who takes on
The personality of others, hoping to be loved
By him, like she is…
I pretend to get misty-eyed while watching movies
Of senseless, hopelessly romantic people, in an era
That’s been dead for centuries and should be left in their graves,
The words of their lives rotting like their sinful bones.

I pretend to be like her - no, I am her,
Her sister, her servant, her slave.
I watch her talking with him, her laugh light,
Full of air, of bubbles –what a flirt!
I watch her walk-poise and elegance emanating
From her with each stride- he watches.
That should be me…

I have forgotten myself, tossed out who I used to be
And I’m dying. Damn everybody and their perfection,
I wish they knew what it was like to live my life, to spend
Just one day in my shoes. Then they would know.
No longer would they criticize my speech,
My stringy hair, my shapeless form
They would be lucky to survive one day out of the
Fifteen years that I have limped through drudgingly.

I attempt to be like them, the everybodies,
They are nobodies, they are sluts.
They control our lives, we are the characters in
Their novels, we adapt to the surroundings we are placed in.
I seem to want to be like them, like everybody else,
But I just can’t do it.

You have some great stuff here, but right now it's overshadowed by the weaker lines and some poor wording.

I seem to think I must be like her
Delicate, patient, pleasant,
She’s never said an ill word of anyone.
Her inner beauty shines through her pores.
And here am I, rough, quick to speak my mind,
Don’t mess with me, or you’ll be black with pain.

Firstly, get rid of "seem to think" in the first line. Either you do or you don't. Don't muck about - say it if you mean it! Secondly -- fix up your punctuation. "I seem to think I must be like her:/delicate, patient, pleasant./She's never said an ill word of anyone." I would also consider rewording this, as it feels awkward. Perhaps, "She's never said a cross word to anyone" would serve better. Same with "or you'll be black with pain" -- the concept appears only briefly, so I think you should lessen the emphasis on it by changing the imagery. The reader is swung abruptly from "inner beauty shining through pores" to "black with pain" and the two pictures don't flow to me. Maybe you could make the line more symmetrical, and say something like "The only substance in my pores is mud" or whatever.

I am the sort of person who takes on
The personality of others, hoping to be loved,
By him, like she is…
I pretend to get misty-eyed while watching movies
Of senseless, prideful people, written in an era
That’s been dead for centuries and should be left in their graves,
The words of the books rotting like their sinful bones.

Ditch the comma at the end of the second line. I'm not sure about the ellipsis in the third line either. "Prideful" is such an awkward word. Try something else. Also, to make it smoother I'd get rid of "written" in the fifth line, otherwise it sounds like you're talking about books that have been dead for centuries and the grammar is wrong.

I pretend to be like her, no, I am her
Her sister, her servant, her slave.
I watch her talking with him, her laugh light,
Full of air, of bubbles –what a flirt…
I watch her walk-poise and elegance emerging
From her with each stride- he watches.
That should be me…

Punctuation again! I'd recommend a dash in the first line, instead of that first comma - it will emphasize the break nicely. And you need a comma at the end of that line. Your first ellipsis detracts from the effect of the second, which is better-placed, so I'd replace it with a full stop or exclamation point. I don't think "emerging" is the right word - try "emanating" or similar.

I have forgotten myself, tossed out who I used to be
And I’m dying. Damn everybody and their perfectness,
I wish they knew what it was like to live my life, one day
In my shoes, living my life. They would know.
No longer would they criticize my speech,
My stringy hair, my shapeless form
They would be lucky to survive one day out of the
Fifteen that I have limped through drudgingly.

Comma at the end of the first line. "Perfectness" should be "perfection" or "perfectionism" may have better connotations. "live my life, one day/in my sohes, living my life" is repetitive. I'd rephrase that line to something less choppy - "I wish they knew what it was like to live my life, spend/just one day in my shoes. Then they would know..." and so forth. You're missing the word "years" from the last line

I seem to attempt to be like them, the everybody’s,
They are nobody’s, they are sluts.
Clones walking around us all, nobody even blinking twice
At them. They control our lives, we are the characters in
Their novels, we adapt to the surrounding we are placed in.
I seem to want to be like them, like everybody else,
But I just can’t do it.

Again with the seeming! Either you are or you aren't. Don't be wishy-washy. It should read "everybodies" or "everybodys" (not really a word, I don't think...*is confused*) and "nobodies" - you're looking for plurals, not possessives. The third line is useless and adds nothing - chuck it out. "Surrounding" should have an "s" at the end. Effective ending.

Overall, a good poem. It might benefit from being shortened a little, and rearranged with fewer commas - it's a little choppy right now. Otherwise, though, I quite like it. Kudos

Cheers,
~bubbles

I like this. The title is a great concept, and I think you could incorporate that animal, chameleon imagery into the poem, because it's a good comparison. Not sure about the last line of the first stanza however, I'm not sure why. Also, perhaps change perfectness to perfection? Aside from that, good work, I look forward to reading more from you.