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Pain For The Game

by Catamp


She was eight years old, Her father barely decided to gave her to an orphanage over murder.

When she was born her mother died while giving birth... Which left to her father with resentment and hate for his daughter. So after a few years of being forced to care for the child he finally reached his limit and sent her off to an orphanage. And that's where she is right now.

Waking up she was cold, The winter was unpleasant for her as ever... But her smile was wide and happy. No one really knew why or how her smile was like a crescent moon high in the sky, as her eyes twinkled like she was in a dream.

Other children in her shoes would be shattered and traumatised

She leapt out of bed. Sparing no time getting dressed before running downstairs to help prepare some food.

There were many other kids all without homes just like her. Their faces sad and lonely. Some people thought she had God by her side, others thought she was just dumb. But she was dumb nore religious. She just loved the world with all its flaws.

She gave aid to the woman cooking by chopping vegetables, stewing and serving them and soon breakfast was ready for all the children. She quickly ate the vegetable stew and ran outside shouting a "thank you" to the lady who prepped breakfast with her.

She made her way outside and ran into the woods. Out there in the woods was her favourite thing in the whole wide world.

A beautiful expensive piano. She didn't know why or how it was there but she didn't care. The piano was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The rush she got from playing the keys and how it made her whole body feel alive like she was on a roller-coaster was a breathtaking experience.

She sat on the piano and began to practise. She practised like this for hours and hours on end. She had found many books teaching her new complex pieces and songs she could sing herself as she played.

She continued practising. Only stopping to use the bathroom and eat meals. She let herself get consumed by music.

She continued practising till she heard her name be called

She hurried back and it was one of the staff. They asked her of she wanted to go to a charity place that helped the orphanage. She said yes excitedly and went with the person down the street. Upon arriving she saw various items such as books, toys and other random. Items. After looking around for awhile she saw a book that had the words "Shatter me" written on the front. She examined it and realised it was a song she could play with the piano!

And of course that's the item she got. For some reason she didn't want to open the book just yet... Some tiny part of her was hoping she never would.

Arriving home she ran into the woods with her new song. Sprinting towards the piano in excitement.

Once there she laid the old, medium sized book in front of her and proceeded to open the book. To her surprise it was blank. She sifted through page after page until she got to the last one.

Which had a set of notes enscribed on the paper. Carefully looking it over and over she had memorised the keys she had to use. Setting the book down she played those short notes as instructed until suddenly...

Red lights shot up around her. Enveloping the piano along with her till she couldn't even see her surroundings... Everything began to spin till-

There was nothing but darkness and she drifted to slumber


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Points: 4
Reviews: 3

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Thu Jun 04, 2020 4:49 pm
Jess.S wrote a review...



Hi! I am really interested in where you are going with this piece. I think the topic is really interesting and can definitely be explored more deeply. In regards to grammar and spelling, I think you should go back and look over your word to make sure everything is correct. I also think that the intro could maybe be a bit more intriguing. It almost felt like I was reading a list, where you were just stating the basic facts of this person's life. I think if you added more detail, or maybe just rephrased the entirety of intro it would make the whole piece flow a lot more nicely. For example, you say that the girl is 8 years old. You could add so much more about being so young and living in an orphanage. Describing the girl and the family more will make readers relate a lot better. Nevertheless, I still really enjoyed reading it. I love the idea of the book not being what she thinks it is. However, it was a bit obvious. If you choose to go back and edit, consider adding more details about the mysteriousness of the book rather than outright saying the book is strange. I can't wait to see where this goes! keep writing!




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Wed Jun 03, 2020 6:22 am
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello! Thank you for requesting a review, and I hope this helps. I think you've gotten two nicely written out reviews so far, but I want to try to go over a couple of important ideas.

I would first suggest to ultimately start this story by including the main character's name. I could see not mentioning someone's name if the point of view was in the first person, but since this appears to be a third-person point-of-view, the reader can find a hard time picturing a character/relating to someone if they aren't given some resemblance of a name. Just something to think about to begin the novel.

In addition, I would advise to minimize the initial background information, specifically

She was eight years old, Her father barely decided to gave her to an orphanage over murder.

When she was born her mother died while giving birth... Which left to her father with resentment and hate for his daughter. So after a few years of being forced to care for the child he finally reached his limit and sent her off to an orphanage. And that's where she is right now.


I think what throws me off the most about this is I'm not sure if our main character (MC) for short would have known this horrible fact about her own life? I would find it more believable if someone working at the orphanage was saying the info aloud, or perhaps reading off a piece of paper. I just am not sure if I believe that she would be able to understand what led to her living here, especially if it's been a few years since she last had been living with her father.

Besides that, I would recommend against bolding words, even though I assume you're formatting certain words to stand out to the reader. Words such as "shattered" or "lonely" stand alone just fine without the possibly distracting "boldness" in random spots. There is also a lot of repetition here, in terms of sentence starters like
She just loved [...] ; She gave aid [...] ; She quickly ate [...]
which take away from the flow of the story. Switching up the regular format of {noun + verb} could definitely add more to the content.

A more personal nit-pick of mine would be to minimize the use of "..." ellipses, as I think stronger verbs/words could lend better to creating tension/suspense rather than ending sentences with "..." if that makes sense. Also, I would suggest to run this text through a grammar check website because there are a few easy mistakes to make and fix in this story.

I think this works fine with the current story itself - finding a piano in the middle of the woods is very curious indeed! Especially that MC's only eight, but can play an instrument to a probably decently high skill level, so wow. And, the ending does leave the reader wondering what could have happened to her!

I think with some rearrangement and adjustment of personal writing styles, this could work quite nicely as a prologue/introduction to this story.




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Mon Jun 01, 2020 2:57 pm
Katteex wrote a review...



So hello there!

Thanks for approaching me through Katteelog :) I'm going to start with the positives. You're consistent with the point of view and the tenses. The plot also has a lot of potential but it needs some work.

First, similar to LittleLee, you have a lot of short sentences and your exposition is lackluster (please don't take offense in this). Your first few sentences are vital to your readers. It serves as the hook to keep them going. If you don't ace this, then they might drop it. You have to be more descriptive because it was too fast and I couldn't sympathize with the 8 year old child. Even if you're trying to convey that her parents don't seem as important to her as they normally should, you have to show how traumatizing it is for parents (who live) to send her to an orphanage. For example (It's based on your intro. You may or may not use it, it's up to you),

"At a young age of 8, a girl was sent to an orphanage. It wasn't because she lost her parents nor was it because they couldn't provide for her daily needs -- no. They were eager to disown her because she was a heavy baggage to their whimsical life. She was the bane of their freedom and to avoid illicit issues related to murder, they decided to desert her in a tattered orphanage with kids overcrowding the hallways. Rooms were heavily occupied and the caretakers even confessed that the food available wasn't enough because the government had stopped funding the institution a few months ago. But, like normal parents, they didn't care. They were so desperate that they sacrificed their dignity by kneeling and begging the caretakers to accept the child."

I tried . In all honesty, this is still weak. It would be much better if you start with dialogues or conversations of her parents as they spit vulgar negatives about or to her. That would cause more impact. You have to explore the emotions implied and think of situations where you could amplify that.

You should also use differing lengths of sentences. I see a lot of sentences that are divided into periods when they could be divided through a comma. Here are a few of them:

She continued practising. Only stopping to use the bathroom and eat meals.

Replace the first period into a comma because "only stopping to use the bathroom and eat meals" isn't a sentence. The same with,

Red lights shot up around her. Enveloping the piano along with her till she couldn't even see her surroundings...

Replace the first period into a comma.

Speaking of this line, you've used a lot of ellipsis. However, they aren't necessary. Ellipses are used when you're either trying to omit thoughts or convey contemplation ( when a character ponders).

Next, the use of a dash (--)

... Everything began to spin till-


The use of the dash here is redundant. It's purpose is to announce an interruption of thought. It's usually used when someone interrupts another while they're talking or when something suddenly happens. In this case, yes, something did happen abruptly, but you've already used the word "till" that hints the same thing. Also, I don't mean to be nitpicky but that's a hyphen; a dash is much longer.

Let's now go back to the use of commas (that doesn't involve combining two sentences you've written). There are a lot of sentences that are in need of a comma. I'll give a few and you can discern the others yourself:

Upon arriving she saw various items such as books, toys and other random.

Insert a comma in between the word "arriving" and "she" because "Upon arriving" is an introductory phrase.

Also this,

After looking around for awhile she saw a book that had the words "Shatter me" written on the front.

In between the word "awhile" and "she."

I'll also quote a few sentences, phrases, and fragments that have a wrong grammar,

Her parents barely decided to gave her to an orphanage over murder.

It's supposed to be "to give" not "to gave." Any verb that comes after the word "to" must be in present tense.

Their faces sad and lonely.

Add the word "are" in between faces and sad.

There are also some words that have wrong spelling but I hope you could check on those yourself.

Moving on,

Upon arriving she saw various items such as books, toys and other random.

You used the word "random" as a noun when it's supposed to be an adjective. I did check the dictionary and the word "random" can be a noun only when you're pertaining to a person.

Lastly,
For some reason she didn't want to open the book just yet... Some tiny part of her was hoping she never would.

If only she knew what that book would bring


This kind of foreshadowing weakens the plot. You should leave only subtle hints like an unusual cover or carvings. You could also say that when she wasn't looking, the book was glowing. Anything besides explicitly admitting that there is something strange about the book.

And isn't it a book? So it's supposed to have a collection of songs, not just one? And wasn't she excited? Why wouldn't she want to open it?

That's all I can say, for now. Update me when you've edited this! I like the plot. Keep writing!

P.S. Please point out if I was rude and I apologize in advance.

SENDING LOVE, Kattee



Come by Katteelog if you want more sweet reviews <3.




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Mon Jun 01, 2020 2:07 pm
Catamp says...



She was eight years old, Her father  barely decided to  gave her to an orphanage over murder. 

When she was born her mother died while giving birth... Which left to her father with resentment and hate for his daughter. So after a few years of being forced to care for the child he finally reached his limit and sent her off to an orphanage. And that's where she is right now. 



Waking up she was cold, The winter was unpleasant for her as ever... But her smile was wide and happy. No one really knew why or how her smile was like a crescent moon high in the sky, as her eyes twinkled like she was in a dream. 

 Other children in her shoes would be shattered and traumatised 

She leapt out of bed. Sparing no time getting dressed before  running downstairs to help prepare some food. 

There were many other kids all without homes just like her. Their faces sad and lonely. Some people thought she had God by her side, others thought she was just dumb. But she was dumb nore religious. She just loved the world with all its flaws. 

She gave aid to the woman cooking by chopping vegetables, stewing and serving them and soon breakfast was ready for all the children. She quickly ate the vegetable stew and ran outside shouting a "thank you" to the lady who prepped breakfast with her. 

She made her way outside and ran into the woods. Out there in the woods was her favourite thing in the whole wide world.



A beautiful expensive piano. She didn't know why or how it was there but she didn't care. The piano was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The rush she got from playing the keys and how it made her whole body feel alive like she was on a roller-coaster was a breathtaking experience. 



She sat on the piano and began to practise. She practised like this for hours and hours on end. She had found many books teaching her new complex pieces and songs she could sing herself as she played.

She continued practising. Only stopping to use the bathroom and eat meals. She let herself get consumed by music. 

She continued practising till she heard her name be called

She hurried back and it was one of the staff. They asked her of she wanted to go to a charity place that helped the orphanage. She said yes excitedly and went with the person down the street. Upon arriving she saw various items such as books, toys and other random. Items. After looking around for awhile she saw a book that had the words "Shatter me" written on the front. She examined it and realised it was a song she could play with the piano!

And of course that's the item she got. For some reason she didn't want to open the book just yet... Some tiny part of her was hoping she never would. 



Arriving home she ran into the woods with her new song. Sprinting towards the piano in excitement.

Once there she laid the old, medium sized  book in front of her and proceeded to open the book. To her surprise it was blank. She sifted through page after page until she got to the last one. 

Which had a set of notes enscribed on the paper. Carefully  looking it over and over she had memorised the keys she had to use. Setting the book down she played those short notes as instructed until suddenly...

Red lights shot up around her. Enveloping the piano along with her till she couldn't even see her surroundings... Everything began to spin till-

There was nothing but darkness and she drifted to slumber



(Is this any better, Its just the start of da book(




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Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:06 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello, Catamp! LittleLee's here for a review.

To begin with, I really like the idea of the story. I didn't understand the ending, though. It was very vague and random. But good effort.
Before I start, I don't wish to offend you, so I'm sorry if I do.

She was eight years old now. Her parents barely decided to gave her to an orphanage over murder.

Waking up she was cold. The winter was unpleasant for her as ever... But still her smile was wide and happy. No one really knew why or how she smiled so calmly as her eyes twinkled like she was in a dream.

Other children in her shoes would be shattered and Traumatised


The beginning was abrupt. It might be what you wanted, but some kind of background would have been nice. Why did her parents want to murder her? And how did they get away with it? Explain.
There should be a comma after "Waking up".
"But her smile was still" is the correct way to write that sentence.
Traumatised does not need to be capitalized.

She lept out of bed. Sparing no time getting dressed before running downstairs to eat some food.

"Leapt", not "lept".
There shouldn't be a full stop out of "bed." Make it a comma.

Also, in the next part you mention she helps cook first, so maybe you can add something about that here, not that she went to eat.

Although she believed in no such thing. She believed in something though... She believed in herself.


You've used the word "believed too many times... Try replacing it with something else, or remove one. The meaning is conveyed.

That's all the individual stuff I found.
Overall, the story has too many short sentences, which makes them very poorly constructed. Use commas instead of fullstops, make longer sentences, and let the reader see some more action. It feels too quick in this case.
I also mentioned the ending felt very random.

I hope I wasn't offensive! I just want to help. See you around!
-Lee



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Catamp says...


By the way this is just the start of the book.



LittleLee says...


I understand that!



LittleLee says...


I understand that!




I'm worried about the tigers just kinda roaming around like that, Jack.
— David Letterman