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12+

The Line Between.

by Catalyst


I grind my tongue along my jaw,

Feeling the jagged canines, the crushing molars,

This is keratin.

The same thing woven into the bristling quills of the porcupine,

The feathers that scrape the air,

The snapping maw, the piercing fang,

And I can feel the shadow of carnal savagery.

I tap my nails upon the desk,

Feel the grain of the wood, the spike of texture darting up my spine,

This is what tears out the throats of Lords,

This is the coursing adrenaline of the hunt.

And somewhere, a musician plucks his string.

Sometime, from a gaping mouth, filled with these teeth,

A preacher sung of Gods.

Somewhere, these fingertips, highlighted with wicked claws,

Wove dresses, plucked flowers,

Shattered windows,

So where, then, is the line between?

I lie sleeplessly in the night,

Letting thoughts paint the dark canvas of sleep,

And how trivial it all seems,

And what’s left to do?

But unravel the world.

Am I missing something, then?

If we are divine, what’s keratin?

I run my tongue along my teeth,

For I know what I can do with them.


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1080 Reviews


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:08 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

I grind my tongue along my jaw,

Feeling the jagged canines, the crushing molars,

This is keratin.


Here in the start of the poem you already give us an idea of what keratin is, and I think that you ruin it by doing this. You try to bluntly point out what keratin is, which seems to be your little precious baby in this poem, and we get it. I liked the idea of the opening imagery, but I don't know if you can grind your tongue against your jaw. Another thing is that there's a gap between the second and third line in that they don't connect. Looking at the first two lines the second line it seems like it's going to lead into a line that finishes it off like, "the crushing molars press tight against each other" or something of that sort, but we don't get that. It was an odd choice for the third line to be what it was and I suggest taking it out, because we don't want to hear it spelled out for us. Oooh, you picked a word that some people don't know, throw the dictionary definition into the poem please. That's not what we /want/ as readers.

The same thing woven into the bristling quills of the porcupine,

The feathers that scrape the air,

The snapping maw, the piercing fang,

And I can feel the shadow of carnal savagery.


This does a better job of trying to describe the keratin here. One thing that I notice that you do is " *insert some form of image*, *insert a synonym for this image* " and we see this in line three here and it does get to be a weak way of describing your subjects. Another thing that I noticed is that these lines do a lot of jumping around with the images and I don't understand how they all connect? Are the needles and the feathers and fangs all on one creature?

Why have they been brought up in this sort of list format, if not? With the sort of listing that you do here, the lines drag on. In the last line you have "the shadow of carnal savagery", yet I don't know what this really means other than it sounding strong, and I get annoyed by those types of things where it's made to seem like it has some sort of meaning to the poem but beneath there isn't any. Unless I'm not getting something then feel free to tell me that.

So I see that this is a poem primarily based on imagery, and the message of what you're trying to get across gets lost. You talk about keratin for most of the poem and it gets a little confusing as to what it all actually means other than it working as good imagery. But good imagery doesn't actually work unless it has a reason to be there.

The use of "Lords" and "Gods" makes me wonder if there are literal lords and gods in this poem or if it was you choosing to use them. My main problem is, is that there isn't a theme to tie it together. The most I got out of this is that keratin can be dangerous and makes up a lot of different things. A small last note is that the questions didn't really do anything for me and I wanted to see more character in the voice/speaker or at least more information of what was going on /with/ the idea of keratin.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




Catalyst says...


When I first read this, I was a tad annoyed-- Then I remembered that this is the crappy old version of the piece. I was meaning to replace it with the more streamlined, better flowing rhyming piece before review day. I can't say this form of the piece is much more than disjointed ramblings, but the advice was super helpful regardless!
Thanks!



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Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:47 pm
Paradaux wrote a review...



This review is rated 18s+

Oh Catalyst, Oh Catalyst what a thing you have created today. You've managed to score a review from the highmaster archduke of reviewing, yours truly.

I'd like to begin with your overuse of the article "The" towards the beginning of the poem, I think a different way to start the sentences would look nicer and a little more 'natural' if you will .
I really like the poem as a whole describing the qualities and purpose of keratin (a protein found in your teeth, hair etc as Catalyst showed in this poem) and It really shows that he figured out what keratin was and decided to write a beautiful poem about its amazingness.

As I know from your previous work you tend to have a darker twist to your writing which sure as hell was evident during the main body of the poem with you citing some sort of divinity within.

I understand this was threw together in 5 minutes but an extra 10 - 15 wouldn't have hurt this otherwise great piece of writing as always ~




Catalyst says...


That it was. That it is. That I shall.
Thanks for the review!




Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead