Young Writers Society

Judging by the kapok tree, the macaw and the bugs, I'd like to say, perhaps this is a rainforest theme here? I enjoyed the creepy theme at the end. I imagined them as black creatures with glowing eyes, perhaps shadowy. Are they really people, though, as you describe them? It sounds too otherworldly and unnatural to describe them as fully human. There were no typos that I noticed, which makes the reader feel like time and effort was spent on that piece and then the reader takes your work as a serious academic endeavor, which is always good.I wasn't a huge fan of "DRIPDRIPDRIP!" as it was slightly annoying.


Other than that, this was a really fast-paced story and with some editing here, I believe you can really produce a fine suspense. Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and I hope my critique helped.

Hey, so this is kind of a review but feel free to just regard (or disregard) this as just my personal opinions.
The fast GOT-TO-GET-OUT-OF-HERE vibe/pace probably would have been better executed with shorter paragraphs.
"their engulfed " -- "They're"?
Interesting story over all. When it first began I didn't really think there was going to ve anything really special about it. Then I got to the end and it got really creepy. I love creepy.
Description and details would have spiced things up.
Not that bad, keep writing.
- MNSTR

Hey, so this is kind of a review but feel free to just regard (or disregard) this as just my personal opinions.
The fast GOT-TO-GET-OUT-OF-HERE vibe/pace probably would have been better executed with shorter paragraphs.
"their engulfed " -- "They're"?
Interesting story over all. When it first began I didn't really think there was going to ve anything really special about it. Then I got to the end and it got really creepy. I love creepy.
Description and details would have spiced things up.
Not that bad, keep writing.
- MNSTR

Hey there Cassieperry,

MJ here to welcome you to YWS and serve you a critique sandwich! Hopefully my sandwich is delicious to not only taste but also to munch on and digest, and ultimately it should improve your writing. So without further ado, my sandwich:

This piece definitely flows well, and has a clear and progressing plot. There's very little I can offer there, so great job. There were no typos that I noticed, which makes the reader feel like time and effort was spent on that piece and then the reader takes your work as a serious academic endeavor, which is always good. I also liked your style, although it could have a few rough points. That frantic and suspenseful style really can cause the reader to feel that buildup of drama and the building climax until they get hit by the highest point of the climax, and it ended on a cliff-hanger. So overall, great job especially with the plot and your descriptions of the action.

Now for some helpful critique:
I'll take this paragraph by paragraph and then make some overall notes since this piece is relatively short. As for your introductory paragraph, you pick up in the middle of the plot. While that can be good, it also means that the reader has little to no information about the circumstances, the characters, or the plot/theme of the book. What I would recommend for this, if you wanted this to be a more fuller short story, is to add in some scenes of narration. For example, when the MC pauses for a moment, you could briefly recount some of the buildup to this moment. But if you want it to just be a short scene, maybe a clipping from a longer novel, I have no complaints on the plot. As for grammar, however, some short and choppy sentences can be good for emphasis. But when that's overdone, the entire story starts to feel disjunct and unconnected. Just a quick note

As for the second paragraph, I have just two or three nitpicks here. Besides what I mentioned in the first paragraph, the plot flows well and has a nice movement. My first nitpick: why does the MC switch between the density of the forest and the vulnerability. Since it is important to the story, I would put these two in a comparison statement. And secondly, I find it hard to believe that the pursues would suddenly just switch targets, and wouldn't the MC hear the pursues chasing her? Instead of that statement, I would just suggest that somehow the pursues may have fallen behind, gotten lost, given up, etc.

And in the third paragraph, there are two more nitpicks. Firstly, I dislike the DRIPDRIPDRIP because it's a disjunct interruption and completely interrupts the general feeling of the previous paragraphs. And then secondly, how is the MC able to look up with a liquid in her(?) eyes? The entire description of how the liquid affects her vision could be shaped up a little.

Overall, my biggest problems with this short story was the lack of descriptions and explanations. But as a short scene, there were only a few spots in the plot where I had some questions and concerns. I do think you should add some corrections to this pieces but I wouldn't really think this would be expanded on too much. It still had a good plot that kept the reader engaged and wasn't noticeably holey. So keep writing, and good job! Don't mind my harshness, it's all supposed to improve your writing.

Best wishes,
MJ

Hi and welcome to YWS, Cassie! I'm glad you published this story. It's suspenseful even if I don't really know the main character well and I do like it! I feel like it's some trailer to a bigger story here. Do you have one or this is just a flash fic?

Fragments: No, I am not giving you a grammar lesson right now. I'm talking about the effectiveness of the fragments you're using. One-word sentences like "Run. Faster." are really effective in action scenes...but I feel like you're overusing them. Perhaps you could add some variety. More smells, tastes, the gut feeling. It's not all about running. All the other senses are blurred but some little details can slip by. My suggestion: replace some of those fragments with other details--but remember that's just a suggestion; it's up to you what you want to do with it !

Which leads to Description. Even though this is a very short work, I'm imagining a jungle-like place here. I would have loved to hear more description other than just sounds and sight. Hearing and taste are great too!

I have two extra notes here: I wasn't a huge fan of "DRIPDRIPDRIP!" It was honestly a little annoying and like I said above, some variety would be nice--but there's no need to strain yourself. I think you can do without that. And the last line: "they're on me" could be a little more specific. There's no need to be gory but something like "they all leap onto me, sinewy arms outstretched" might strengthen the end.

Other than that, this was a really fast-paced story and with some editing here, I believe you can really produce a fine suspense. Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and I hope my critique helped.

Okay so let me start off with, hello welcome to the site!
Okay now to the review, don't want to discourage you because trust me. . .YOU are a good writer.
We just need to fix some of your grammar! So to start off is the beginning works, I'm not one of those people you hate the one word sentences, I get it those are like their thoughts, but to make them seen that way italicize them, if you don't know what that is it's the I at the top of your page when you are writing the story. I see a few run on sentences, but lets be honest those happen to every one if you are in the moment of writing.
I see some punctuation errors, but that takes time to get used to. Especially while typing. Try putting it through Grammarly.com One of my best friends!Okay and then we have a few capital letters that shouldn't be there.
Also, try and be a little more descriptive, what bugs were buzzing? who is chasing you? stuff like that.
Also when you have the drips you don't necessary have to capitalize them, also spaces help the reader understand better, I don't think you want them to see that and run for the hills because they are so condensed. Your sentence variety is good and I like your creative mindset though.
The only other thing I must say now is the . . . you aren't putting spaces between them and you are capitalizing the letters after them. and remember they are only used for when she looses her train of thought, or it's in a dramatic situation.
But of course this site is used to make you a better writer, don't get discouraged!
I love how creative you are!