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Entry one/?: Little Miss Horror Show

by CassieList


August 2037

I got the normal order to meet some Jerk and get with him. Most guys ask me to wear something fancy or my cheer outfit, but not this guy. "Weird" i thought. Oh yeah srry Journal my names Cassie list ill explain more another time. *ping* that noise could mean one thing... the guy sent ME a location its usually the opposite.... "Luca! Dove tu ne abbiamo un altro!" I call down to my boyfriend. No response. Must have left already. I went down the long road nearing closer and closer to the forest, pulling out my knife, ready to kill the unlucky man meeting me, i dont care about their pleading or crys for help just thier horrible, disgusting thoughts. My stomach lurched when i saw a little girl by herself. She reminded me of myself when i was little, so frail and easy to manipulate. I got out of my SUV to check on her but something hit me, figuratively and literally, "Damn ive been played by this kid?" I said out loud and that didnt make her happy. Id like to mention monsters live in this realm and im one of them! A simulacra to be exact. A manipulation of sorts... " Bye bye little girl!" I screamed as i went into my normal form. She was shocked bye my twisted  appearance. I laughed at her face, then tag came! She ran and ran but seemed to lose energy and somehow escaped.


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16 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2020 2:49 am
JenTep wrote a review...



I'm intrigued to find out more! How did they get played by the girl? Why was she there?

Technical thought:

1. I W was confused by the structure but that is an easy fix, I certainly journal in a certain format. It doesn't have to be structured "normal" because it is a journal entry but it can be stylized to show what's important to the character!

2. It comes off as a journal entry but it includes dialogue and sound, which can be involved but it won't follow standard practices.

You really have a neat idea here, don't let any issues prevent you from continuing it. A famous author said "Your first draft is for you," so write for you before you criticize yourself too harshly.

-J.T.




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:01 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Hey, Cassie!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight. Here to review your work as you requested! Let's get started now, shall we?

Alright, so when I first read the title, I admit I was a little confused, but then when I clicked on it, and saw the date, and figured it was a diary entry, which I like a lot! And I also like the fact that this is all written by a demon, which gave me chills.

Speaking of date, when I saw the date, "2037", I was honestly expecting a lot of the surroundings more technologically advanced, but alas, as we as the readers barely have the information about what the setting actually looks like, I couldn't really imagine much.

Also, going back to the diary topic, I noticed that you had everything written in present tense, in a diary entry. It does seem a bit awkward, because if I were to write in my journal, I'd usually have everything written in past-perfect. So for example, instead of writing "I screamed", I would've wrote "I had screamed". I hope you understand. :)

Well, this is an interesting piece, indeed, I can't wait to see where you take this!

I'm done with my review. Hope this helped. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me questions if you have any!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




CassieList says...


Thank you!



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 11:41 pm
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello Cassie! You've got a couple of reviews already on this work, but I wanted to provide a little bit of feedback, since you requested a review from me. ^^

What first appeals to me is the date, 2037. Since this story is set in the future, I would love to see some signs of what could be different, and how that setting would relate to our current one in 2020. That could definitely come from a lot of different methods, including having the main character describe her surroundings while she is writing a journal entry, like she appears to currently. A demon running through the streets of a town sounds quite scary, but I wonder how it would be framed in 2037.

From there, this is a very short chapter, even with it being a "journal-entry style" of writing. I would recommend to simply break up this bundled paragraph, and then allow yourself to expand on all of these scenes. Perhaps talk about her drive over to her supposed job? I'm guessing she's similar to an escort-for-hire, or she at least makes herself to be that until she gets into her demony actions.

I think something that is always good to think about is to picture everything you want the reader to see/know/feel during this chapter, then try to format it in a way to give a clear picture, or murky one if you prefer. Just something that will engage the reader enough to feel like they can follow the story without being too difficult of an action.

Besides that, I think this is an interesting premise, I just hope you add more to make this chapter longer and to give more structure to the start. Hope this helped!




CassieList says...


Thank you! This helps alot



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 4:52 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hiyo! Here as requested.

To start off, I think this premise is sooo interesting. Usually, when I read or see diary/journal like novels, it’s commonly a teen fiction book that relates common struggles, like school. However, the idea of a demon writing a journal is definitely unique. Right off the bat I’m intrigued, especially because I wasn’t expecting her to just go and pull out a knife haha.

Though this is a journal entry and what’s being written down may be simplified in some respects, I do feel as if much of this was rushed! Cassie seems like she’s jotting everything down SUPER quickly, which makes for an ok journal but not something that’s as fun to read. It was fastpaced, but almost too much! I wish we got more of Cassie’s thoughts and everything was a bit more drawn out. For example, I had no idea Cassie was already near this long road until she brings it up. I had no sense of the atmosphere, her setting. If a bit more imagery is thrown in, this can make it easier for the reader to visualize what’s going on. One piece of advice I’ve gotten before (and is probably my favorite piece of advice) is to remember that the reader has NO idea what’s going on. You’re the only one who can - and is - imagining everything, so writing out what you visualize can help bring in the reader. Additionally, if the writing is slowed down a bit, this can make it easier for readers to process information! I was like OMGOMG each time something new happened - which is totally a good thing, but it just felt way too fast!

Lastly, I really like the idea of using a little girl instead of the “unlucky man” we were expecting. I was thinking someone had hired her to kill off some creepy guy, but it turns out Cassie finds this little girl, who even reminds her of herself! That was an interesting moment and I’m a big sucker when writers use innocent-looking people to trap the person or surprise the reader - I think that can be really interesting, and it’s always fun to see the character get tripped up.

I really hope this review helps! If you have any questions please let me know. :)
Peace!
~EternalRain




CassieList says...


Thank you for your help towards my story!



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 1:12 am
ServalX wrote a review...



Hi, this is Serval here to review your work!
Issues
The thing that strikes me about this work is the fact that it doesn't flow well. That could be because-
1. You missed capitals in certain places.
2. You didn't structure your dialogue correctly
3. Your sentences were ''jumpy''
4. Also I noticed the fact that there was no description.

Correcting Those Issues
1. For the capitals and other grammar issues I reccomend getting grammarly.
2. Dialogue is structured in the way-
____________________________________________________________
"Luca! Dove tu ne abbiamo un altro!" I call down to my boyfriend. No response. Must have left already. I went down the long road nearing closer and closer to the forest, pulling out my knife, ready to kill the unlucky man meeting me, i dont care about their pleading or crys for help just thier horrible, disgusting thoughts. My stomach lurched when i saw a little girl by herself. She reminded me of myself when i was little, so frail and easy to manipulate. I got out of my SUV to check on her but something hit me, figuratively and literally,
"Damn ive been played by this kid?" I said out loud and that didnt make her happy. Id like to mention monsters live in this realm and im one of them! A simulacra to be exact. A manipulation of sorts...
" Bye bye little girl!" I screamed as i went into my normal form. She was shocked bye my twisted demon appearance. I laughed at her face, then tag came! She ran and ran but seemed to lose energy and somehow escaped.
____________________________________________________________________
3. Correcting the other problems will fix this one.
4. Here I'll give you some pointers on how to describe.
-The purpouse of description is to give your reader how something feels, how something looks, how somethings etc.

-Don't describe like this-
''The girl was pretty.''
Describe like this-
''The girls auborn, silky hair, and slender form enraptured him''
You get the idea

-When describing think about these questions-
What color is it?
What does it feel like?
What does it taste like?

-Never use words like pretty, strong, etc. Always use synonyms.
I hope that helps!




CassieList says...


Thank you! I understand the structure issue, it said it saved well yet it didn't... Again thank you for all your tips



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Tue Jan 21, 2020 9:20 pm
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CassieList says...



"Luca! Dove tu ne abbiamo un altro!" Is Italian for "Luca where you at we got another!" Just to clarifiy




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 8:08 pm
LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hello! Lady Mystery here with a review
This is cool, I assume that its a book written through the character journal entries, cool.
Ther are quite a few spelling mistakes here, so I would suggest that you read it out loud, as its easier to catch the spelling mistakes. Interesting that she can be a demon or human( I assume its human) I like the descriptive words.

-The Lady Of mystery




CassieList says...


Thank you so much! Id like to explain what she really is. Like what you said a demon, but she is also a manifistation of sorts. She can take human form but she is a simulacra in her normal form.



LadyMysterio says...


Cool, like a shapeshifter.



CassieList says...


Yeah



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Tue Jan 21, 2020 7:45 pm
CassieList says...






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Tue Jan 21, 2020 7:45 pm
CassieList says...







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