Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Room 214
Blackthorne Academy wasn’t the fresh start my mother promised—it was a punishment wrapped in brick walls and navy uniforms. The second I stepped onto campus, I knew I didn’t belong there, standing with my long icy blonde hair falling in soft waves past my chest, delicate braids pinned back into a half-up crown while the rest curled around my face and framed my brown eyes. I wore a black lace spaghetti strap crop top beneath an oversized black-and-white plaid flannel, paired with high-waisted black distressed denim shorts and black high-top sneakers that scuffed against the polished campus sidewalks. Everyone else looked polished, expensive, and painfully comfortable.
Somehow, within my first week, I managed to find the only two decent people in the entire school. Lila Jetson was impossible to miss with her jet-black hair spilling in glossy waves down her back, piercing blue eyes, and a flawless model-pretty face that made even Blackthorne’s stiff uniform look designer. Mason Reed was the complete opposite—tall, lean, and effortlessly casual, with messy dark brown hair falling into cool gray eyes and a permanent half-amused expression like nothing at Blackthorne could surprise him anymore.
Unfortunately, I also made an enemy. Noah Owens had this infuriating habit of appearing wherever I was, whether it was chemistry class, the library, or the cafeteria, always beating me on test scores and flashing that cocky grin. With his lean athletic build, toned arms, messy blonde hair, and sharp green eyes, he looked less like a student and more like trouble wrapped in arrogance. That day, he wore a dark gray hoodie with the sleeves shoved to his elbows, loose black joggers, and worn black sneakers, like he had thrown everything on carelessly and still somehow looked put together.
“Do you ever shut up?” I snapped after he made a comment during chemistry.
Noah leaned against the lab table and smirked. “Only when Collins admits I’m smarter.”
I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. By the end of two weeks, I was convinced there was no one at Blackthorne I hated more. So when I dragged my suitcase into my assigned dorm and looked up to see Noah sprawled across the bed by the window, I nearly dropped dead.
He’d changed into a fitted black T-shirt and gray sweatpants, one arm tucked behind his head while his phone rested against his chest like he owned the room already.
He raised an eyebrow. “Room 214,” he said. “Looks like you’re stuck with me.”
For the next two weeks, we barely spoke. Correction—we communicated through slammed drawers, annoyed glares, and passive-aggressive notes over who kept stealing the bathroom first. Lila and Mason thought it was hilarious; I thought it was torture.
Then came the Friday night party.
It was hidden behind the old gym, all flashing lights, pounding music, and too many people packed around the pool. I only went because Lila begged, and Noah only went because apparently he existed to ruin my life everywhere.
I’d swapped my flannel for a cropped black leather jacket over the same lace top and shorts, my curls falling loose from their braids after Lila insisted on “fixing” my hair before we left. Across the pool, Noah stood near the drinks table in a black long-sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up and dark jeans sitting low on his hips, looking unfairly good under the flashing lights.
“Try not to start a fire, Collins,” he called when he spotted me near the drinks.
“Try not to drown in your own ego, Owens,” I shot back.
One careless shove from the crowd later, freezing water swallowed me whole. I surfaced coughing, panic clawing at my throat as people screamed and laughed around me, until someone jumped in. Strong hands grabbed my arm.
“River, hold still!”
Noah. Of course it was Noah. He dragged me to the edge, soaked and breathing hard. Wet curls clung to his forehead and water darkened the black fabric stretched across his shoulders while my flannel hung heavy against my skin. Later, wrapped in a blanket, I followed him up to the rooftop because for once neither of us felt like yelling.
“So,” he said, staring at the stars, “you always this reckless?”
I laughed bitterly. “You always this annoying?”
His smile faded. “Why’d they send you here, River?”
I kept my eyes on the football field below us, watching the stadium lights blur through the damp strands of hair stuck to my face. “Because I stole my mom’s car,” I muttered.
Noah turned toward me. “That can’t be the whole story.”
I gave a humorless laugh. “Two in the morning. Huge screaming match. She told me I ruin everything I touch. So I grabbed her keys, took off down the highway, and wrapped the car around a mailbox three streets later.”
He stared. “You crashed it?”
“Completely totaled it,” I said with a shrug. “A week later, she signed the papers for Blackthorne.”
For once, Noah Owens didn’t have a smug comment ready. He just looked at me, quieter than I’d ever seen him.
“That’s not ruining everything,” he said.
I frowned. “Then what is it?”
Noah leaned back against the rooftop ledge, his jaw tightening. The gray hoodie he’d pulled on after the party hung slightly damp around him, the sleeves pushed up while cold air cut through the rooftop. “Trust me,” he murmured, “I’ve done worse.”
I sat up straighter, the blanket slipping from one shoulder. “You don’t get to say that and leave me hanging, Owens.”
Noah let out a slow breath, rubbing his hands over his face like he already regretted opening his mouth. “River, just forget it.”
“Not a chance.” I turned toward him fully. “I just told you I stole a car and crashed it into a mailbox at two in the morning. You owe me.”
He stared at me for a long second before reaching into the pocket of his hoodie and pulling out a folded newspaper clipping, the edges soft and worn like he’d read it too many times. Without a word, he handed it to me.
I unfolded it under the moonlight, my eyes catching the bold headline first.
LOCAL BUSINESSMAN’S SON IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER SCHOOL RIOT — TEEN FACES PRISON TIME.
Beneath it was a picture of police dragging students across Brookthorne High’s front lawn while smoke curled from shattered windows. My eyes moved lower, landing on the grainy photo of a boy in handcuffs, blood on his split lip, green eyes full of fury.
Landon Hayes wore his Brookthorne football jersey in the article photo, dark hair messy and expression twisted with rage as police dragged him through the crowd.
Noah.
“The court wanted real prison time,” he said quietly. “Assault, destruction of property, inciting violence. Principal Johnson begged them to send me here instead.”
I swallowed hard and looked back at the article. “You put him in the hospital?”
Noah’s jaw tightened. “He shoved first. I shoved harder. He hit his head on the concrete.”
The words barely registered because my pulse had started hammering in my ears. I remembered the news reports, the interviews, the way my phone had lit up nonstop the night it happened. Slowly, I lifted my eyes to Noah, and for the first time since arriving at Blackthorne, he looked like someone I should have been afraid of.
I crushed the newspaper in my fist.
“The boy you nearly killed,” I said coldly, “was my ex-boyfriend.”
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
your title drew me in, it reminded me of the swedish book Room 213 (rum 213).
to me, this reads as a classic rivals-to-lovers in a school setting, and you can never truly get enough of rivals-to-lovers.
the narrator has a consistent voice and i liked the plot, it was easy to follow. though i think the pacing was way faster that this story deserves.
i like the roof-scene. it was very tender and felt very natural, but the stakes felt too low because you haven't built up to it. we understand river's and noah's characters because of the classic archetypes, but we know very little about your own unique characters, because you show very little of their relationship. they have to share a room, and river tells noah to shut up. what can we deduce from that?
river finds noah annoying (or at least pretends to). noah yaps a lot. noah flirts by teasing.
this is all good stuff that you do a good job of implying, but you show very little of it. how does noah behave toward others? what is river's personality other than impulsive and a bit sarcastic? what do they like outside of each other?
of course you don't need to answer these specific questions, but if you want the reader to be invested in their stories i recommend giving them more time. for example, after river finds out she has to share a room with noah, you almost immediately jump ahead two weeks and give us a brief overview of them quarreling, but why not give a full scene? you could show river being annoyed and noah sneering, mocking or teasing. would he be flirty or straight up annoying??
in contrast, the final reveal was great. it felt like the whole roof-scene led up to it, so it made me audibly gasp.
you also give a lot of time to their clothes. in nearly every scene we know exactly what every character is wearing, which also confused me a bit because it doesn't seem to align with the uniform of the school. if you're worried about the piece being too long for YWS, maybe trim some of the clothes-description or divide it into 2 parts so we can actually get into these characters and their dynamics. i'd also like to see river's friends, mason and lila, who are barely mentioned.
all this to say, i find these characters very interesting, and i wish you'd give us more of them. overall, great piece and great work. thanks for sharing!
this was pretty good im actually kinda inspired with the way you used your language, its really good and ill go read art two
I LOVE the first line, the way you described the school. I enjoy your wordplay, it's almost like I can't wait to see what you do next. I love that you named the character River, so CUTE! AND WHAT A TWIST AT THE END. I'm drooling I want more!!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghoulish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - River was sent to Blackthorne Academy after ruining her Mom’s car. She makes friends but she also has this enemy named Chase, who bullies her and who has nearly murdered her ex-boyfriend. There is much to be unraveled…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think I’d like to see more of River and Chase fighting each other and more interactions between River and her friends, Lila and Mason, to get a feel of who they are, but that’s about it.
Chocolate Bar - I love the scene where River and Chase are talking to each other on the rooftop and sharing their moments of vulnerability. The suspense and sadness of it is written well, especially after Chase shows her the newspaper photo. River may not have liked him before but now she really doesn’t like him.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastical first part of the story! If you ever plan to continue this, I will be sure to read more. I cannot wait to see what happens with Chase and River later on. I have enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Thank you so much! I love your method and how you explained it!
you're welcome. I'm glad I could help.
Hey! Aspawn here for review time-
First Impression:
The paragraphs were a LOT (see Grammar Warning below) but the actual story is pretty good- well written, a compelling hook for a novel (if that's your plan for Room 214), and a nice cast of characters. You also managed to introduce the setting and story in a manner that isn't confusing, so the reader understands the situation and what exactly Blackthorne is- something I don't see in a lot of stories (the not-confusing part, I mean). Overall, nice first impression.
Grammar Warning:
Wooh! So...Actually, I got a biggie grammar warning for you. And that's about starting new paragraphs. In this story, you have only three paragraphs- leading to large chunks of text that my ADHD brain has trouble getting through without skipping any of it. And you don't want that to happen, because then readers will start to miss all that plot and beautiful writing you worked so hard on (cough cough me re-reading each paragraph three times cough cough)
So, when are you supposed to break up text? I never actually learned the textbook rules about it, so if you want those, feel free to look it up. But here's some places that I find to be a good spot to insert a new paragraph:
1. When a character starts talking. For example, using your text:
'With his lean athletic build, toned arms, spiky blonde hair, and sharp green eyes, he looked less like a student and more like trouble wrapped in arrogance.
"Do you ever shut up?" I snapped after he made a comment in chemistry.'
This broke up the text, letting us notice River's comment more easily. If she would've continued talking, you wouldn't have to start a new paragraph.
However, in conversations, it's generally better to start a new paragraph whenever a new character (meaning, the one not currently speaking) starts talking, so you don't start mixing up who says what. For example:
'"So," he said, staring at the stars, "you always this reckless?"
I laughed bitterly. "You always this annoying?" His smile faded.
"Why'd they send you here, River?"
I kept my eyes on the football field below us, watching the stadium lights blur through the damp strands of hair stuck to my face. "Because I stole my mom's car," I muttered.'
If you noticed, I tried to keep each character's voice in a separate paragraph to keep them distinct, but there ARE times when you can stick multiple voices in the same paragraph, but you'll just have to feel those out 'cause I don't know exactly when to do those.
2. When you change the subject of the paragraph. For example, one paragraph about the friends River found, and then when you get to Chase Owens, onto a new paragraph! This is because they are two separate subjects, and while lumping them together won't break the known universe or anything like that, it will lead to needlessly long paragraphs that my mind (and others) will start to skip over.
Now, what will that example look like in practice? Like this:
'Somehow, within my first week, I managed to find the only two decent people in the entire school. Lila Monroe was impossible to miss with her jet-black hair spilling in glossy waves down her back, piercing blue eyes, and a flawless model-pretty face that made even Blackthorne’s stiff uniform look designer. Mason Reed was the complete opposite—tall, lean, and effortlessly casual, with messy dark brown hair falling into cool gray eyes and a permanent half-amused expression like nothing at Blackthorne could surprise him anymore.
Unfortunately, I also made an enemy. Chase Owens had this infuriating habit of appearing wherever I was, whether it was chemistry class, the library, or the cafeteria, always beating me on test scores and flashing that cocky grin...etc.'
This broke your big paragraph into two smaller, more manageable ones.
3. For emphasis. Sometimes I find that the best way to emphasize the importance of a sentence is to make it on a line of its own, which draws extra attention to it. For example:
'Chase’s jaw tightened. “He shoved first. I shoved harder. He hit his head on the concrete.”
The words barely registered because my pulse had started hammering in my ears. I remembered the news reports, the interviews, the way my phone had lit up nonstop the night it happened. Slowly, I lifted my eyes to Chase, and for the first time since arriving at Blackthorne, he looked like someone I should have been afraid of. I crushed the newspaper in my fist.
“The boy you nearly killed,” I said coldly, “was my ex-boyfriend.”'
Now, I realize this example is not the best, as it also follows my suggestion of "new conversation-new paragraph", but as the last sentence is an important one, I'd stick it on that new line anyways. But here's another example, to emphasize (haha) my point:
'For the next two weeks, we barely spoke. Actually, correction—we communicated through slammed drawers, annoyed glares, and passive-aggressive notes over who kept stealing the bathroom first. Lila and Mason thought it was hilarious; I thought it was torture.
Then came the Friday night party.
It was hidden behind the old gym, all flashing lights, pounding music, and too many people packed around the pool. I only went because Lila begged, and Chase only went because apparently he existed to ruin my life everywhere.'
If you noticed, I switched up the sentence a bit, making the "Then came the Friday night party" shorter than the original sentence. This is because I find that short, single-lined sentences make for a better emphasis and a bigger punch.
Now, please don't think of any of these rules as rock-solid, as I never actually got formal training in how to start paragraphs, but I hope you find them helpful anyways.
This review is already kinda long (sorry!), so I'll try to hurry up the rest for you.
Plot Warning:
Not much to see here. I actually love your plot, and it's really well written. My only problem with it is the large chunks of text, which I've already adressed.
Final Verdict:
A wonderful story, all those good adjectives I've saved above. I think that if you learn to make paragraphs a manageable size, you can really become an awesome, compelling author or writer.
-Aspawn out
Oh my gosh, I did not realize how long this review really was! Sorry if I made you read all this!
Don't be hard on yourself, not enough people do detailed reviews! I thought you did a great job of explaining where to insert paragraph breaks and I hope to see more lengthy reviews from you!
Thank you so much for the advice it helped me a lot!
Hey just want to say that your new and improved paragraph breaks are looking good