Published March 5, 2009
You never meant it
When you said you're sorry
For the hurricane
And the waves that devoured
My every intuition and the thought
That made me see through you
Like all you were was a window
Windows lie.
They make the grass greener over there,
they make me happy for the sun.
The hard wood floors would talk to me
And the walls are falling around
The ground is shifting
And the glass is shattering
The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.
I'm bleeding droplets
And the rain's still coming down
The rivers surging
And I'm still here
Standing in front of the window
Standing in front of the illusion
That everything is how it should be
And nothing's out of place
I'm a hypocrite aren't I?
I'll stand in the downpour, I'm still strong
But I've lost it, my rock
And I'm sure I'll drown.
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
grimy,
Another thing, capitalise your words properly. We try to encourage good english in YWS 
It's a 2:1 ratio, and we also have another rule where you avoid chatspeak, so do spell your words out properly
heya, you look like ur new...
, i promise ill do it in the morning 
...)
Welcome to YWS!!!... sorry i just had to say that, couldn't help myself
very good poem, nice choice of words and interesting imagery
im so sorry but im too tired at the moment to give a proper review
as cassie said you need to review before you submit your own work, so try keep a good ratio (i thought it was a 3:1 ratio?? maybe i read the wrong thing
cya, keep writing!
-grimy
Alright...well, just so you know, you need to do 2 reviews before you post something of your own. Keep a 2:1 ratio, okay? So get out there and start reviewing!
Onto the review:
You never meant it
When you said you're sorry
For the hurricane
And the waves that devoured
My every intuition and the thought
That made me see through you
Like all you were was a window This line is phrased really awkwardly...try something like "you were only a window" or "like you were only a window". Also, this whole stanza is rather confusing...too much a run on sentence. Break it up, put periods in, commas, whatever. Because by the end, going as it is literally written, the "you" is still not meaning his apology for being a window...which doesn't make much sense to me.
Windows lie.
They make the grass greener over there,
they make me happy for the sun. Happy to see the sun, maybe? What do you mean exactly by "happy for the sun"?
The hard wood floors would talk to me
And the walls are falling around
The ground is shifting
And the glass is shattering
The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.
I'm bleeding droplets
And the rain's still coming down
The rivers surging if you mean "the river is surging", make sure to put an apostrophe between the r and s in the word river.
And I'm still here
Standing in front of the window
Standing in front of the illusion
That everything is how it should be
And nothing's out of place
I'm a hypocrite aren't I?
I'll stand in the downpour, I'm still strong
But I've lost it, my rock
And I'm sure I'll drown. Why the sudden rhyme? Throws things off for me, because the entire poem besides this part is free verse.
Alright! Well...wow, I'm really confused about this poem. So many things were happening that just didn't seem central that made me so lost. You seem to be wanting to display several themes here...poems can be vague, but not SO vague the reader ends the poem feeling like it just gave them a headache because they're trying to figure it out
For example, how does everything you've mentioned in the poem make you a hypocrite? I don't think you are! At least, not from what I've read...
In the third stanza, the house or whatever is being destroyed...I'm taking a guess here and assuming the window broke and that's why there is glass all over the place? But then you go on to say that you're still there in front of the window. Is that what makes you a hypocrite? Because you've painted us a picture and then ripped it up? But wait--the next stanza, the hurricane is back. So I'm not really sure what the outcome was at all.
Perhaps I'm being really dumb, but maybe you could simplify it a tad bit.
What I liked: This stanza-
"
The hard wood floors would talk to me
And the walls are falling around
The ground is shifting
And the glass is shattering
The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.
I'm bleeding droplets
And the rain's still coming down"
Great imagery here!!!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Don't forget to do your reviews--they are required but they also make YWS members more likely to review your work.
-Cassie